This is an essay to win a house in CO. Tell me what you think?

Question

Me? I'm a dreamer. Have been since childhood. I remember my first dream. My brother and I were going to be a dentist and nurse team with backpacks that allowed us to fly around the world and provide dental care to the poor. Of course it never came to fruition but it was a beautiful dream. I was ten. When I became a teenager, my dream was to move to New York City and live in a high rise apartment. I was going to be an interior designer for the rich. That dream changed when I woke up and found myself unmarried and pregnant with my first child. I was 21 years old. Then my dream became many dreams for my son to grow up strong, happy and healthy. Two years later I was married and pregnant with my second child and those dreams for my son became the same dreams I would have for my daughter. When she was three I dreamed of a divorce and being able to raise my children alone without interference of a drug addicted ex husband. Within a year I found myself alone with two children to raise, no job and no hope of receiving child support until I met Jamie. I was 27. As we were dating, I would dream of one day being married to him and living a wonderful life. I would dream of what our child would look like and what our life would be like. He was a country boy and somewhere inside I was still a city girl wanting to live in the “Big Apple”. After seven years of dating we married. Then I had my third child. Another daughter. Another child to add to my list of dreams for the children. Over the years my husbands country boy approach to life has rubbed off on me and I find myself dreaming of living in the west, tucked away on some mountaintop. My dreams are his dreams and his mine. We dream of log cabins and peaceful living. No next door neighbors or city lights. Just the sounds of crickets chirping and rivers running. Cool breezes and warm, cozy fires. Trying to figure out how we were going to attain this dream has been the most difficult part. The dreaming is easy. Financing has been the nightmare. So that dream, too, went on the back burner. Until now. Now, is when I find myself writing this essay and sending off $100.00 in hopes that dreams really do come true.

Answer 1

I think that is really nice, and I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

I should be writing my own essay but I'm distracted and waiting for an answer of my own on writing DVDs.  So, I decided to try and edit your piece.  I don't know if you like it but I broke it into paragraphs (so, indent when you send them in) and tried to do some stylistic edits.  Also, I think your tense changes in the last paragraph so you might want to change that around to make the whole piece uniform.  Below:

Me? I'm a dreamer. Have been since childhood. I remember my first dream. My brother and I were going to be a dentist and nurse team with backpacks that would allow us to fly around the world and provide dental care to the poor. Of course,it never came to fruition. But it was a beautiful dream. I was ten.

When I became a teenager, my dream was to move to New York City and live in a high rise apartment. I was going to be an interior designer for the rich. That dream changed when I woke up, finding myself unmarried and pregnant with my first child. I was twenty one.

Then, my dreams changed. Transforming into the desire to watch my son grow up strong, happy and healthy. Two years later, I was married and pregnant with my second child and those dreams for my son became the same dreams I would have for my daughter. When she was three, I contemplated divorce, particularly the idea of being able to raise my children alone without interference of a drug addicted ex-husband. Within a year, I found myself alone, with two children to raise, no job and no hope of receiving child support. Until I met Jamie. I was twenty seven.

As we were dating, I dreamt of one day marrying him and living a wonderful life. I dreamt of what our child would look like. He was a country boy and somewhere inside, I was still a city girl wanting to live in the “Big Apple”. After seven years of dating, we married. Then, I had my third child. Another daughter. Another child whom I hoped would fulfill their dreams.  

Over the years, my husband's country boy approach to life has rubbed off on me and I find myself dreaming of living in the West, tucked away on some mountaintop. My dreams are his dreams and his, mine. We dream of log cabins and peaceful living. No next door neighbors or city lights. Just the sounds of crickets chirping and rivers running. Cool breezes and warm, cozy fires. Trying to figure out how we were going to attain this dream has been the most difficult part. That was easy. Financing has been the nightmare. So, our hopes have been been placed on the back burner. Until now. Now, is when I find myself writing this essay and sending off $100.00 in hopes that dreams really do come true.