This ? is for any guy that has to pay child support or any girl who makes him pay... need your advice.?

Question

I have a 4 year old son, me and his dad have been broke up for a little over 2 years. My son goes back and forth alot. He has him mon and tuesday, i have him wednesday and thursday. he would have him fri, sat. and sunday. and that rotates every other week. So he has hims half the time. I think its bad for my son to go back and forth so much, it makes him act out in a bad way sometimes. My ex wants him half the time so he doesn't have to pay child support. Would it be wrong to only let him have my son every other weekend and 1 day through the week and file for child support. Do you think it would be better for my son to stay with me more and not be passed back a forth so much even though he wont get to see his father so much. and is it wrong for me to file for child support even though he wants him half the time?? Sorry this is so long...

Answer 1

Your issue is not the time with your child, the issue is that the two of you bailed out of a marriage that was shaky, after plopping a kid on this planet hoping it could heal your relationship.  

The rest of the issue is that the two of you belong in counseling to see if this marriage can be repaired.... swapping a child back and forth is confusing to kids.  And they are the innocent victims of people who think kids are bonding, only to have the two of you realize that you weren't truly prepared to parent together.  And when the kid arrived, bang, your marriage was not prepared for the jolt.... so you bailed or he did.  And it usually happens before the kid makes it to 18 months.  Almost a formula..."Short marriage + kid = divorce/separation within 18 months of birth...."

You guys need to seek some counseling to see if this marriage can be saved.  And that not being possible, the two of you need to be in counseling to work out a way that your son doesn't feel like a ping pong ball.  Kids who grow up in these situations don't do nearly as well in school or in life  as those living with both parents in a loving marriage.... you, hon, have joined the 30% of white moms raising a child alone..... and 62% of black kids live just with mom.... these are horrid figures.

Get some counseling hon, and have your child in it too for one of those sessions.   You have no idea the damage you are doing to your child.... none.

Answer 2

Going back & forth has to be hard. I pay child support & see my son any time he wants to come over.Get your child support-the law doesn't care how much your husband sees him. If you have custody, you are entitled & don't worry about saving your husband a few bucks- let the courts decide.Your child needs you right now, so ease up on this back & forth stuff. It can't be good for him .Child support shouldn't be the main issue, & if it is, then your husband is in for a rude awakening.

Answer 3

Some people I know do one week on, one week off.  That might be easier on him.  When he starts school it might be harder unless you both live close enough to be able to make sure he gets there.

Are you sure the only reason your ex insists on half time is to avoid child support?  Maybe he actually loves and wants to spend time with his son and is doing the best he can.

Try your hardest to work out a schedule solution first before actually modifying the custody and going for support.  Otherwise I guarantee no matter what you do, you will be perceived as the evil ex who is cutting back on his time with his son, and demanding money to boot.  That isn't fair to your son or your ex.

Answer 4

Children NEED stability. It isn't good for your son to be torn back and forth so much and so frequently. It would probably be better for him if he did a week with you and a week with him if your ex insists on 50%. I would go to court and let the court decide. They may be able to come up with a better plan that won't be so hard on your son.

When kids are taken out of a stable routine they will start to act out. I would do something else for the benefit of your child.

Answer 5

Ok- this answer is coming from experience. I

I say - leave the relationship alone. This back and fourth thing, is probably better than zero contact with his father. A son needs to have a relationship with his father, move closer to ur ex. Sounds crazy but trust me.

Your child did not choose his parents you and his father chose each other! Make it work- this man will be in ur life forever- not just until ur son is 18- there will be graduations, weddings, granchildren- the whole shibbang!!! Be the better person, it sucks and us Mother's always get the crappy end of the stick- but in the end, at the end of the day, at the end of our time here on earth ALL will be judged and the bible says you will be judged by how you taught your children.... What do you want to teach your child???  

Answer 6

Well I am twice divorced father of 2; daughter lives with me full-time, and son half time.  I can tell you from experience that children act out because of neglect.  Wanting to have 50/50 custody to avoid child support is not always the best thing for a child. However, in my case my son is 50/50 but my ex knows that I am an awesome dad, and good person.  Therefore, I have the 'privilige' of having my son half the time, and because my ex wife makes a good living, I have the 'privilige' of not paying for support, however, I carry my children on my health plan and dental.

My kids don't know how well they have it.  But as a single parent you do.  If things are good at the ex's house, then reward him, however, if things are not a good scene, then don't settle for 2nd best for kids.  Do what is best for them and you can't go wrong...hope this helps.

Answer 7

Well this is a very rough situation.  I am a child care professional, and I can tell you that yes, it IS very bad for a child to be pushed back and forth so much and not have a normal, firm schedule.  He should have one place to call home.  Of course, the other parent's house can certainly be their home too, but your son needs to know where he's going to be each day, it's very important for stability and mental health.

I do think you should be a little more generous with the schedule though.  Why can't your ex have your son EVERY weekend, but 1 weekend a month he gets to stay home and have fun with Mommy?  It would be unfair to force your ex from seeing your son 50% of the time to only being able to see him every other weekend.. that's a big jump.  Why not every weekend (but you get one weekend a month to keep him) and maybe he can pick him up from daycare once a week for just dinner, not an overnight?  Make sure it's the same day every week though so your son has the stability of knowing Daddy comes every Wednesday or what not.

As far as child support goes, I'm not really a big believer of child support to be honest with you.  My 8 year old step son lives with me full time and visits his mother for a few hours every weekend (no overnights.)  She does not pay us ONE CENT of child support, and helps out with no expenses whatsoever.  It would be nice if she did, definitely, but she doesn't and we don't want to take her to court to sue for child support -- we get by fine and it's unnecessary.  Do you NEED it?  If you do, why not force your ex to court, just ask him to help out.  Tell him how much you think you need to get by -- you know what he makes, please be generous to him as well though.  Or, just ask him if he can NOT pay you support, but just pay for a few things.  Like no support, but he is responsible for paying all childcare expenses, and also all clothing uninsured medical bills.  You will feed your child, and pay for extra curricular activities.  Just work something out aimicably with him -- trust me it can be done without the court!!  Do tell him though that if he doesn't help you out enough or refuses to adhere to the agreement you WILL have to take him to court to sue for support.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Your son is way too young to be passed back and forth so much.  I don't know what kind of judge agreed to this type of custody arrangement.  That is crazy.