This is my poem about War. Please tell me what you think, feel free to criticize!!!?

Question

His friend is Crying in the heat

There's children dying in the street

He is feared by all whom he meets

He knows he's now a murderer.

Glamorous guns and temptation of glory

don't look as luminous in the light

now I lay down a soldier's story

of foregoing the fear left in the fight.

The patriotic image of perfection

shows a man in Army uniform

But bombing cities lost his direction

It's just another pointless killing

creating another pointless storm

In school we learn the differences in the wars

but aren't they all the same?

Destroying, destructing forevermore

Instilling endless pain

Answer 1

First, there are a number of grammar issues to deal with,

L2 There are or there're instead of there's

L3 who not whom

In school we learn the differences Between the wars.

Destructing? Try destruction, destroying for evermore

The line 'foregoing the fear left in the fight ' doesn't work for me. What are you trying to suggest here?

Also 'Bombing cities lost his direction' doesn't quite make sense grammatically or contextually, the language is wrong, disjointed.

Finally, and this is because of your obvious age and lack of personal subject knowledge, the whole feel of the poem comes across as a school based poem on the idea of what war might be like. I am afraid to say it is much, much worse.

I don't disagree with your sentiment and commend you on a good effort. Try reading some of the famous exponents of war poetry such as Robert Frost, Seigfried Sassoon, Wilfred Owen, Rupert Brooke etc.

Keep writing though, keep writing, for words will win bigger battles than guns ever will.

Answer 2

that reminds me of when I made an anti-war poem in eighth grade

I debated with someone against the Iraqi invasion

Answer 3

You are talented in this.Great piece of artwork.Try to give a better name to your poem.Nice one.

Answer 4

wow thats good

im not much of a poet

but it clicks=]]