This is not madness is it?just to see if i m out of my mind ?

Question

i m not sad that much ,actually I feel nothing ,rarely I do feel things rushing to my heart like when I see a small child suffering or starvations

But I have dark sides ,I like to cause me some pain ,I like to think about suicide I would never do that because I m religious ,I play with my wounds ,not because I m sad I just enjoys it and feel numb,

Most of my life I lived watching others take what I cant take and I have to shut my mouth and pretend I m ok with this, but I didn’t find any thing silly like that ,

I don’t envy people I know that life isn’t fair,but when even my own family think its ok for everyone because they have stable families and good houses and I should do what everyone wants and Be happy with it as if I have no choice at all and when I say why ,,they say you have changed a lot ,you were more lovely

And I know big part of this WAS my fault I shouldn’t just want them all to be happy but its too late now, I m over 30 and nearly married to someone I don’t love *because the man is so good so I must love him no matter what I loved in the past its not good enough for them*

i want to say something here

not all self harmers are worthless people ,emo people aren’t that ugly ,when you hear over and over what a low family you came from and you should shut up to whatever you face and just love it because you are nothing to complain and even feel hurt ,is something you should understand and accept

then its not so far away from you to be that kind of person ,as long you aren’t taking your deep anger on people ,not hurting them .then you may have the right to be dark ,listen to dark metal songs ,cut yourself some cuts without no one seeing because people usually make faces when they see this ,they think you must be a very out of mind person ,usually people specially who lived in Disney houses with loving parents don’t get why some people can do nothing about their miserable life ,its hard to build a good life after these thunders so it’s an escape ,its not a shame to take out your pain on your own way ,

Answer 1

wooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Answer 2

Im sorry that you feel nothing and that you are a cutter who needs to sit idly by and watch other people.

If you dont love the man that you are about to marry, tell him so he can find someone who does love him.  You may feel that you are not hurting other people, but you should talk more with your family and the fiance to see how you are affecting them.

Its not hard to build a good life, it just takes a bit of effort.

Answer 3

How often can you post this question?

good luck

Answer 4

Hi, I do believe you have been seriously abused by more than one person, maybe in your family.  I don' know you but I am deeply moved by your testimony of life.  I think you are unhappy and you should seriously (in my opinion) consider whether the person you share your life with is really who you want or need to be with.  You say you don't love this person.  You don't even love yourself.  I do think you need counselling to get to the bottom of why you feel like this.  Well, actually I don't think you need to get to the bottom of it because I suspect you do know why it is, but you need a counsellor to help you to untangle this wretched mess and get yourself back on track.  You need to get self-respect where you won't allow people to dictate to you "what kind of person your are" or "what kind of person is best for you".  This is your choice not anyone else's.  I am going to ask you to be very courageous and seek a counselling service in your area or even in the next town.  Speak to your GP and ask to be referred.  Or, you could google local counselling services for your area.  I really do wish you well and hope that you can learn, with the help of others, to overcome these negative impositions on your character that you do not deserve.  I believe that all people are special, and that everyone is entitled to choose who they are with and it is certainly not because they could not do any better.  My best wishes to you dear sufferer of human  "unkindness".  I do hope you find help quickly as I feel you are desperate.  Don't waste time, get on with finding your self-esteem and learn to love yourself.  Have you seen those teenagers who put on lipstick, wear strange clothes and have lots of confidence?  Well, I am not saying you have to dress like them or wear lots of make-up, but take off your old clothes and put on some different ones, (this means take off your old self and reclothe yourself, climb inside yourself and find out who you really are and what you can really achieve.  Be well and prosper.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, be very brave and do what you have to now.

Best wishes.

Answer 5

long ,,i read it many time and i would say this

try to find counselling ,you need it  

Answer 6

It's all too easy to get into the vicious circle of self-loathing and hide your feelings from the world, and it's pretty obvious that that's the path you've taken.  

You need to talk to someone about this, have you spoken to your future husband?

You really must open up to someone as hard as it may seem