This is "Love poem IV". What do you think about it?

Question

Love poem IV

(I believe I have met my soulmate)

The light of Venus, grace of the skies

Is an undying flame in her smokeless eyes

A heavenly joy dwells deep in her heart

An innocent love with no disguise

And o’er that flowing golden hair

So pure, it brings her a beauty rare

A queenly crown should sparkle bright

For she’s a goddess, a maiden fair

And surely Venus will stare amazed

With eyes agape and eyebrows raised

At that summit of all earthly grace

That all the stars of sky have praised

She is a walking star on earth

Her smile, the bloom of joy and mirth

Thank you

Answer 1

I think I may have missed your other Venus poem.  However, to my ear your unusual strength is continuity of image, and I admire very much the ease with which Venus is by turns the morning star, yet glimmer in the poet's love's eye, a goddess whose own eyes will STARe amazed at his love's crown, which like the stars in the sky `sparkle bright.'  The illogic with which the octave ends, of this merely `queenly crown' (`for she's a goddess'), is beautifully magnified in the sestet's stronger paradox: `summit of all earthly grace' which somehow makes even Venus raise her eyebrows.  `She is a walking star on earth' perfectly resolves this paradox in the manner of the New Testament.

But I think the supremely charming resolution, and the beautiful problem, are not necessarily obvious; I feel a few unnecessary lines lose the important thread of this poem.  It is possible that the lady in question does have `flowing golden hair;' however, this has nothing to do with the rest of the poem, and ought to be replaced with something more helpful.  

(Please do not be offended; the first poem I posted here was an incomprehensible sonnet about music and a lady's hair, that insisted on using the phrase `her billowing harp of gold,' to compound its many difficulties.)

Likewise, if I were writing this, I would consider making the `queenly crown' literally the rising stars at twilight, because it too is not well motivated otherwise.  I get the same sense of disconnectedness from `smokeless,' while some lines or phrases seem quite empty or lacking reference, such as `innocent love with no disguise,' `it brings her a beauty rare--' even `eyes agape' may be too many eyes for one line, while `summit of earthly grace' is an odd locution that may dubiously be interpreted as a head or crown.  Obviously you need some filler, or readers will get lost, but I feel there is a bit too much, and the poem lacks unity.

Finally, I am afraid the last line really belongs in some other poem-- this poem has no other smile, no flowers to bloom, and is more interested in joy and beauty than mere mirth.  

I like your sonnety rhyme-scheme, by the way.  Please do work on this if you agree it is not quite finished: I think this writing already betrays the underlying thought process of an exceptional poem.

Answer 2

For a title...I'd say "a walking star on earth"

Great poem...I loved it...I loved the smoothness of the lines, the beauty in the rhyming. I loved the opening stanza, I felt it. A gorgeous written work, look forward to reading more.

Answer 3

I'm sorry but I don't like it.

Answer 4

I like it. For me I would go with "A Walking Star".

Answer 5

First, a coincidence - I was listening to Bjork's "Venus as a boy" when I clicked on your poem.

I loved the rhyme scheme - skies, eyes, heart, disguise, etc. I thought the poem was really nice - thanks for sharing it.

Answer 6

The sonnetesque form is okay, and some of the lines are actually better than your other Venus poem, but it's difficult to compare it to the other without thinking the other was better overall.  As far as a title, well, sometimes you need to keep it simple...how about "My Venus" or "My Goddess"?

...keep writing