Well I am a man that has a broken heart. I was very hurt by my ex wife. She cheated on me over and over for about 8 years, 4 years not married and 4 married. She left me and my two sons 8 years ago, they are now 11 and13. Their was a step-son that was dropped off to his father that was never there for him. I accepted him like my own, even tho she threw it in my face all the time that he was not mine.No contact with them at all. She call me once in a blue moon to ask how they are doing, but not talk to them.
I just separated with my g'f of 3 years a month ago. I was scared to marry and used all kind of excuses not to marry her. I bottle up all the time and didn't express my feelings. This was our main problem and I realize it. I worked all the time to support us. She wanted to go to school and I told her don't worry about the bills, cause I got it. I loved her and her kids like they was my own.We had children from prior marriages, she had three and I had 2. All boys. She started back to church again 11 months ago after being off from it 2 something years. She said she felt convicted, cause we was not married. I realize that now. But she also is very angry and throw thing I did not do. I realize that what I did and it is a two way street two, she did her share that made me feel certain ways.
Well I started church a month ago and she left 2 days after that. I went to both services. The messages I got out of them, I felt they did it cause I was there. It hit me like nothing else before. I am in my mid 30's (she is 30 years old) and have not had a church up bringing (I been only a couple times). For the first time I felt the message. I went back the next day to ask to be saved. Well the funny thing is that in this time, things that are happen to me I can not explain. I have never felt like this before in my life. I started to relize thing about my relationship. Things I did in my past before her that I sinned for was flashing before my eye. I had no burnding on my shoulders. Some reason I forgave my ex wife for what she did and other that did to me. I stopped cussing with out a thought (my kids realized that). I was not scared to marry anymore (weird). I felt deep down in my heart that I wanted to marry her. When I had bad days I talked to her and she was having a hard time that day, it was like I felt her pain (weird). I asked her to marry me and got no answer back other then the next day she is not ready to come back yet. That day I turned the radio on in my truck for the first time to listen to a christian channel and it was about how a man and woman suppose to smit to each other (weird) Things like this is happening to me.
The other day I was walking and felt hurt and to santin to get out of our lives and leave us alone. I started to sing and this hymm in my head was playing. This is the funny thing that freaked me out was that one of my favorite scrips that I goto is when Peter walked on water. The hymm that was in my head was Love lifted me. Last not I looked that song up and for the first time I realize that that scrip and that song was tied together. It freaked me out. We talk alittle about the bible and got on the subject of free will and she said we had none and I knew we did have a choice of right or wrong. Also we talked about letting go the past and she said it is hard to. I told her read Mat 6:14 and 15 about forgiveness. I don't understand she wanted me to commit to her and God and I did. The Commiting to God blow me away cause I can not explain what is happening to me. I thought I try it and man it is amazon. She moved away from here so she can not witness this.
Today I am having a bad day. The day started great and around 10 o'clock I felt like crawling in a corner and dying. I feel so much doubt in my furture. I feel like life is not worth it anymore. Awful feeling. I don't know if it is her pain that she is feeling, but it is that most awfullest feeling. My heart hurt so bad. I feel like I am chasing a dead end with her like my ex. She wants us to give our selves to God and see what he has planned for us. She say things like I am not ready to come back and who knows what the future brings. Things are not going for her llike she thought. No money, almost homeless with her kids. I feel that I can not live with out her. I have lost all hope today. I know God got plans for me, but this woman is what my heart desires. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that I am torn between have faith in us or letting her go so I focus on Jesus more. I am doing both but days like bring me way down. I start counciling on Sept 2nd to help me and my boys. I got them involved in church as well. I go as much as I can. I read the bible everyday and for the first time I love to read. I hated to read anything all my life. Sorry this is so long, but I am in pain and have nobody to really turn to right this min. Thanks for reading.
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