This is the second part to my story, is is good?

Question

I looked down at Stella, she was as white as computer paper. Her hair was damp with sweat, and her eyes were closed shut. Tears fell from my eyes, why? Why my sister? Why?

“Dad, is she going to be okay.” I looked over at my dad, he had pulled over a chair next to Stella’s bed, and was holding her delicate hand. I pulled a chair over to Stella, and sat down by her like my dad.

He didn’t take his eyes of her, “I don’t know.” He whispered, tears flowing from his eyes.

I grabbed Stella’s hand, then reached over to my dad’s hand. I placed my hand over his, he quickly jerked his hand away from mine.

I gasped in shock.

“Dad!” I screamed.

He didn’t even twitch at the sound of it, I pushed back my chair. It made a horrible shrieking noise, and made my way for the door. I stopped abruptly, and turned to look over at Stella. I walked quickly over to her, and gave her a peck on her cheek. It was like giving a kiss to my 80 year old grandma, but I was giving a kiss to a 14 year old. Barely a teenager.

I turned back around, and ran out the room, to the waiting room. I took a deep breath, and more tears fell down my cheek.

“Miss, can I help you?” A lady spoke, it startled me and I jumped. I turned around slowly, while wiping the tears from my cheeks.

I soaked the lady in, she had badly colored red hair with black colored hair in her roots. She had impressive eyes, they were the color of my sisters; Stella. She had blood red lipstick on, and had smudged eyeliner. She had a nurses outfit on her stout figure. This lady reminded me of my grandmother, Annie Moore.

“Ah, my child. You must not have done it right.” Grandma Annie Moore said.

I started twisting the phone cord in my hand, well she was a pro. And I did need her help, unfortunately she is my mom’s mom, and even talking to her risk bringing that subject up.

“Yes, I don’t think I have. It didn’t even spark when I kissed him. It was like nothing. I must not have done it right.” I spoke into the telephone, and I knew once we started this topic, that we would end up talking about my mother.

“No, dear. You did the kissing part right. But, if you didn’t feel a spark, you must not have picked the right guy.” As she spoke, I could hear the smile in her voice, and I could hear her telling grandpa Stefan ‘ooh, my little granddaughter had her first kiss today!’

I sighed, “How am I supposed to know.” I said solemnly. This was getting out of hand……..

I bounced back to the presence, “Um, no. I’m okay?”

I started to turn, but she caught my shoulder.

“Then, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Since, you’re not a patient here, and your not here for anyone.”

I thought about the way my dad snatched his hand away from mine, and the way he ignored me. But then I remembered Stella, if she woke, she would be devastated if I wasn’t there. But, what if she didn’t wake, I wouldn’t even be here to have seen her the last minutes of her life. I forced back that thought.

I placed my hands on my hips in annoyance. “Um, you’re not making me go. My sisters in there dying, and I’m not leaving.” I said.

I shook off her shoulder and walked over to one of the chairs in the waiting room. I slumped down in the chair, and caught sight of the nurse’s glare.

I sent her a mocking glare, and laughed. She pushed out her chin, and walked away.

I almost burst out laughing right there, but I knew that people would stare. I didn’t even know what to think about, it seems like everyone I think about will make me cry. This time, I actually chose to think about Stella. I remembered when we used to climb up on the counters when we were younger, and tear open the cookie jar. And we would sit on the counter and eat all of the cookies, and in the end, we would have chocolate smeared all over our faces. And our mom would spank us, then take us up to the bathroom and give us a bath. We would always splash each other, and whisper secrets into each other’s ears. Until finally our mom would take us into our bedroom, and tuck us under our beds. I had a purple bed, and Stella had a pink bed. We had princesses all over the sheets and pillowcases, I remember Stella had Cinderella as her princess. We would never sleep apart, she would always come over and sleep with me, and she always brought her Cinderella pillow.

Someone touched my shoulder, I jolted upright. So much for people not to stare, every pair of eyes turned to me.

I smiled then turned to the person who touched me. I gasped, it was Leo.

I was unaware of the expression on my face, and I didn’t care.

“What do you think you’re doing here?”I muttered.

What’s he’s problem? He makes fun of my sister, and then he comes by to see her?

I looked at Leo, against his leather jacket, were bright yellow dandelions. His shady brown hair was greasy and messed up, he had dark bags underneath his eyes. I forced back the smile I was about to give him, dandelions were my sisters favorite flowers.

No, I made myself think about the comment about my siste

Answer 1

It's rather choppy if you ask me.  You tend to overuse to words in the beginning (the word hand is repeated three times in two sentences, way too much).  Why did she scream, "Dad!", when he pulled away?  You would have thought she had gotten stabbed or something.  I would think it to be more appropriate if she had just said it rather than screamed it.  You say the nurse reminded her of her sister, and then she ALSO reminds you of your grandma; it's probably best to pick one or the other.  It  just sounded funny.  And semicolons are used to separate two complete sentences, like I used two sentences ago.  And it does get a little confusing because you jump from the present to the past with no warning at all.  I had no idea what the heck was going on.  If her sister was in the hospital, it made no sense that the nurse was telling her to leave.  I pretty much stopped reading there; it was too much for me to read any further.  Basically, it needs alot of work, and I think you should only consider only doing this as a hobby.  You're not nearly good enough a writer to pursue it professionally.  If you try, you will be sorely disappointed.  I'm trying to give constructive criticism, so don't take it personally.  Good luck!

Answer 2

Its good but there are some small mistakes...tuck us under our beds.... soaked the lady in, she had badly colored red hair with black colored hair in her roots.Maybe try ..into our beds or under our covers...and shorten the other to she had badly colored red hair with black roots.Long black roots or awful black roots or something like that.

Answer 3

I will have to come back and read it when I have more time, then give you a more in depth answer.

But right off the bat, I would have to say: Paragraphs!  You have almost no white space and it looks like one gigantic paragraph.  That is hard on the reader's eyes.

I'll be back.