This is what I have so far out of my 3rd book I'm working on, tell me what you think?(its incomplete)?

Question

I don't want to be murdered here, and please don't tell me it flat out sucks! I would like nice, constructive criticism.

I'm 13, and this is the first chapter out of my book, its all I have so far though. So be honest but don't batter me please.

The wind whistled by my shivering body as I made my way through the bushes that now irritated my skin as I walked by. Brushing teasingly against my bare ankles in agonising torment. Accompanying the bushes, were thorns. Which now I realise must have already done a number on my skin.

Around me, was a huge mass of trees, shadowed together with the night making an illusion of a cage. I looked around in distress; it was not like me to go out wandering the night. I do not even know how I got here. As I continued walking aimlessly in unknown directions, I noticed that the trees were getting tighter together. Almost as if wherever I was, I was not intended to escape.

It was sunset I could tell, a pure orangey colour peaking through the trees above me. It was nice that there was something to provide comfort. The full blow of night would be approaching soon. Before I looked up and seen the sunset I would have thought it was night already.

However, something besides the band of trees unsettled me. Something that quickened the pace of both my walking speed, and my pulse. I could feel it in my bones. Something that made my heart race a thousand beats a minute.

Soon I had one certain conclusion. Someone was fast approaching. It was racing through the forest at an unnatural speed. Cutting through the vines and whatever blocked their way. There was more than one of them too, and they were not too keen on a friendly greeting.

Answer 1

It's not written well.

It's a dark and scary night then bright colorful pre-night then wtf.

Why is he out in the forest if he normally isn't?

Why think fast things are bad? Coward.  

Most importantly why should we care?  

Answer 2

I liked it, but a couple sentences bothered me:

1."Brushing teasingly against my bare ankles in agonising torment" 'brushing teasingly' and 'agonizing torment' sort of contradict each other.  Pick one of the other one.

2."It was sunset I could tell, a pure orangey colour" Change it to 'I could tell it was sunset, a pure orange color" orangey sounds childish, and the first part didn't make sense.

3. "I could feel it in my bones" is sort of lame.

Those are the only things that sounded weird to me. Good idea, go with it!

Answer 3

your 13? Whoa. I liked it alot. Though I would sugguest you right more about whats on in his mind/what hes thinking. Really good work, keep going with it! (=. 3rd book? Have you've written 2 other books?

Answer 4

wow, that was..just wow.

are you sure your thirteen? that was like stephenie myers would write.

But i would add some thought in there.

Like for example:

Gregary, what were you thinking! I thought over and over again in my head.

Yeah, like add what he's thinking not just what he's seeing.

But overall it was really good, kepp writing