This poem is, i just, uh, Help, please?

Question

i'm 14... and, well, read this:

Standing there

Out in the rain

Sweatshirt on

Not in vain

Looking above

My face gets wet

My hair’s full of

Water and sweat

You might not believe

What you see there

It’s hard to conceive

How I have not a care

Sparkling rain

Crystals in the sky

No more pain

No need to cry

Pouring down

Down onto me

A special thing

Makes me happy

----------------------

so, this is bad, really bad (poorly written i mean) i know. but, idk, im trying to paint a picture of how much i love rain, and showing people the beauty of rain. but i did a cruddy job. idk, help me fix it? give me ideas? critiques? point out whats bad? please!

Answer 1

Honestly I would write the sentences longer.

As I stood there in the rain, with an old sweashirt on, and not in vain.

I looked above as my face gets wet, my hair filled with water and sweat.

It's sometimes hard to believe, that what you see, as it's hard to concieve and how I have not a care.

The rain sparkling and the crystal's in the sky. There was no more pain and no need to cry.

Pouring down, down onto me, something--a very special thing makes me happy.

I hope this helps. :-)

Answer 2

Just try it again. remember... poetry doesn't HAVE to rhyme. get a pencil, close your eyes, and feel what you want to say. the idea and feeling of this is good, it just seems like you might be trying too hard.

Answer 3

All I can say is just keep working at it

Standing there

Out in the rain

Sweatshirt on

Not in vain

I think "not in vain" should be removed period, it just feels forced

Looking above

My face gets wet

My hair’s full of

Water and sweat

Water and sweat, almost the same thing, plus the last two lines throw off the flow. I would tweak them

You might not believe

What you see there

It’s hard to conceive

How I have not a care

Again needs work

Sparkling rain

Crystals in the sky

No more pain

No need to cry

These 4 lines are not bad, but I would change sparkling, sounds cliche--illuminating maybe?

Pouring down

Down onto me

A special thing

Makes me happy

These these reworking--It kind of just ends and it needs more emotion behind

Answer 4

i wrote a song once and the chorus was

dancing in the raindrops

and now it all comes down

i hope it never stops

the beauty of the sound

i finally am free

thats just how i conveyed my love of rain! and ur poem isnt written too bad. and also u being 14 has nothing 2 do w/ ur talent! sont think u cant write good stuff cuz ur young!

Answer 5

Standing there

Out in the rain

Sweatshirt on

Not in vain

Looking above

My face gets wet

My hair’s full of

Water and sweat

thats good. change the rest.