This question is for mature people?

Question

first of all can we agree that different cultures raise their kids different ways? If the answer is yes, then lets move on. I am the mother to a 17 month old boy, and love him with all my heart. His dad loves him a lot too, and we just couldn't get enough of him. Well lately my husband has been saying, that now that he's almost two that I shouldn't hold him so much, and don't baby him too much. He says that if he were a girl it would be different but since he's a boy he needs to start being tough. He's going out of his way to make sure he's spending a lot more time with him. It's like he has this fear that my son would be soft or something. My dad was the same way with my brother. What are your thoughts? Do the men in your lives share this opinion when it comes to raising a boy? Please specify your race/culture.

Answer 1

The best thing for anyone is to be secure and confident. Two year olds don't need to be tough. They need to be toddlers.

Answer 2

That's the great thing about dual parenting.  Kids need different perspectives, and you can both provide this.  Do not worry about confusing your child.  As long as he feels secure with the love you both give him, lighten up and enjoy loving your child.  He's still a baby.

Answer 3

We are white/american - catholic as well and I think my husband is the softie... I am always trying to get my son step out of the box and my husband is always the one who has always picked him up when he fell down, picked him cuddle..etc.    I think it has a lot to with ( in our family) is guilt.. we were not married when I got pregnant and when I first found out of course the first thing out of his mouth was talk of abortion and I was not going to have any part of that and told him if that is his beliefs I don't need him in my life and the first time he saw our baby's face he melted so i think for us it is guilt of the fact he  didn't want him before our son was born and he is making up for it..  

Answer 4

no my partner always gives our 2 sons aged 23 months and 8 months hugs and kisses all the time and he always tells them that he loves them. this is great for your baby because it shows him that he is loved. but saying that if my 23 month old fell over we just say opps! and dont just rush in for a hug or kiss and make a big deal of it. this is after teaching him to toughen up a little. so as long as you dont do it for every minor bump or fall then what your doing is perfectly normal. your just being a great mommy! I'm irish and my partner is english both living in ireland

Answer 5

I agree that men think their boys need to be tough, but I also believe that a boy needs the "soft" love that a mother gives - it's just the natural difference in the way a child (boy or girl) learns from his parents.  Dad's tend to be more hands-on with rough play and moms tend to be more nurturing.  I don't think the soft love a mother gives will undo the "toughening up" a dad does.

Answer 6

I think all males don't want to think their son is going to be soft. My husband tells me to stop treating my 17month old like a baby. Says he needs to toughen up. Like if he falls to just let him figure it out. So I dunno if its right or wrong it's just instinct for males to want their sons to be tough. I am Caucasian and my husband is African American  

Answer 7

Precisely the reason why Men and Women should raise kids together. Mothers are the main focus for the first 2 years of a child's life after that they start to want to identify with the same s*x parent. I think your husband is right to want to spend more time with your son. However, he should not pressure his son to spend time with him. By three Mommy will def. take a back burner to Daddy. It's a natural progression.

Answer 8

I have a 2 year old son. He plays with jewelry, he play cooks, and he has a baby doll. But he also plays with trucks, works on cars with his dad, and gets dirty playing in the mud. I believe that as long as he's happy, he can be whatever person he sees fit. If he's not tough, then that's his personality. My husband agrees. As long as my son is happy he can be whatever person he wants. No amount of holding or pampering your son is going to make him soft. As long as he has an equal balance and time with his dad to do man stuff, then he'll turn out just fine.  

Answer 9

Yea the father of my son is the same way. But I still baby my son. There's only little for a little while.

Answer 10

I don't see why it makes a difference for a boy or girl.  At that age, you should perhaps start guiding your son to be more independent though. I don't believe that boys should be raised differently than girls...this is 2008..not 1940.  Your hubby is living in the dark ages!

Answer 11

I am a white male from the south. I think your husband is trying to start several years early with the "from a baby to a boy" process. I have Successfully raised 5 boys and my wife and I went through the same thing. I started trying to make my first son tough in his 3rd year and he turned out kinda wimpy and somewhat en secure. You live and learn, with my 5th I continued to shower him with hugs until he made me stop (11 years old) he is now the smartest and the most confident of all my children even though he is the youngest. I guess what I am saying is he will let you know when enough is enough. your husband is wrong. Coddle him as long as you can, he will be a mean stinky boy before you know it!    

Answer 12

well i think that letting a child play with whatever toys they want, and getting love and attention, though not overbearing attention, will only help them to become balanced human beings. we need to remember that soft and caring does not mean g*y! remind your husband of that. if your boy becomes a  macho man, then he will only be half a person.

Answer 13

I'm probably not what some people think is mature, as i'm young, but if your willing to take in my opinion i'm willing to give you it :)

I'm Australian and Christian.

I know where you are coming from. I have two older brothers. When they were younger, my dad felt the same about them, he didn't want my mother "baby-ing" them too much because he thought they may grow up soft, spoilt or too dependent on their mum. But my Mum didn't care what he said, she cuddled, gave me+ my brothers her undivided attention and didn't go back to work untill I was 10 (i'm youngest)

My eldest brother is now 19 and the other one is 16.

They are the nicest, funniest and greatest blokes around. They are both in the physicall labor buisness, play loads of footy and cricket and are no-where near "soft" or "weak".

I think that cuddling and loving them as much as you can is the best thing you as parents can do. They will grow into lovely young men, not angry men afraid to cry every so often or showing any emotion.

Don't get me wrong, my dad is the best ever, he just didn't want soft boys, he wanted big blokes, just like him, and they are, but they aren't afraid to have emotions.

Love your boy like there is no tomorrow

:)

Good luck.

Answer 14

There is no book on parenting, and most parents raise their kids as they were raised.  A child at two in my opinion, is still a child, and yes should be held. However,  when your son starts pulling away at 12 like they do naturally, hopefully its not a catch 22 on creating an insecure child before then.

There is nothing wrong with showing love to you child its supposed to be unconditional.  

Answer 15

My husband and I have 2 boys, ages 1 and 2. We are both white Americans, raised in the south. Quite a few of our family members have very outdated views about men and women. Frankly, i hug my sons all the time, and they are the "toughest" little boys I know. I encourage them to be independent and praise them with hugs, and so does my husband. The only question I have about what you wrote is when you said "that now that he's almost two that I shouldn't hold him so much, and don't baby him too much," does that mean you carry him around all day? Because at 2 they should be learning to be independent and certainly walking, etc. But if you meant that you praise him with hugs, and maybe snuggle up on the couch during a movie, I don't think that is going to negatively affect your son. As for me, if they fall or get hurt, I pause a moment, and if they don't cry, I don't rush over and make a scene. Don't get me wrong, I make sure they aren't really hurt, but if I react before they do, they will cry, and cry, and cry. My husband is the same way. And my next door neighbor has two little girls, and when we go over my boys do play with dolls, and kitchen sets, but they still play with trucks and cars and "boy-toys" at home. It doesn't concern me.

Before we decided to have children, my husband and I sat down to discuss some stuff, mainly because of the views that both our grandparents hold. I knew that I didn't want to raise any children that we have that boys should behave or think one way and girls another, and when we discussed it I realized that my husband didn't either. So now we agree, they can decide what they want to do and we'll support it... whether it's dance or football, cooking class or shop, art or band. And any choice they make isn't going to make them less of a man later, or to use your husband's term, "soft." It sounds like you need to have a discussion with your husband and tell him how you feel, even though he probably isn't the type of guy to discuss feelings.  

Answer 16

I think everyone raises their child different. My son's dad, babies him.

He "plays" with him alot, hey it's his son. But, I don't think by holding him alot, that you are babying him, I think it's you showing him some good ole' comforting love. There is nothing wrong with that. I would let your husband know, that it is your son too, and if you want to hold him, kiss on him, and hug him ALOT , then you can, because you are his mom. Hmmmphhh..Girl got me started..LOL..That does not mean he is going to be a sissy. Because my son is a Mama's boy, but honey let him get mad, and see the difference. He got that from his daddy. lol..

Answer 17

we are white..american...catholic...and yes all the ppl in my family are the same way. they just want to be sure that the boys in the family are brought up to be men and not something else...but the girls are the same way, like in my lil family my husband and i have a girl who is 5 months and a boy who is fixing to turn 2 and we try our best to provide them with all the love aned attention they need, but also by not spoiling them.

Answer 18

I am firmly of the opinion that little boys are tactile and in need of cuddling. When they grow out of this need they will show it by distancing themselves slightly from you. At 17 months they love and need cuddling and they are not going to be any the less tough as the result of being given overt affection. Your son will feel very protective towards you and will need to show his love and regard in tactile terms. We have both been unstinting in our show of affection for our boys and they have grown up to be fine young men. White Caucasian.

Answer 19

I see absolutely no harm in holding or being affectionate with a male child they need that as much as female children do. I don't see that holding him will make him "soft". I am white/American.