This story reflects its pace in the wording. Is that a good thing?

Question

*****

When bent limbs spring back,

Jay and Neon almost disappear.

Dondi and TD lift up their packs,

and hurry to catch up.

The thick underbrush soon

gives way to a clearing.

The sun bathes them for the

first time in days.

From there, they can see the mountains

where they had begun three days ago.

It seemed impossible that they had

only traveled a couple of miles.

*****

Answer 1

How many more miles to go before they sleep or find the girls? Did they forget their GPS?

Answer 2

I don't honestly think the words are reflecting the pace of the story.   If you were trying to convey the pace through the words, and if you succeeded, then, yes, I think that would be a "good thing."

Answer 3

time and space are sure relative when you're having fun.

Glad you got a bath, too!  But...where are the girls...

Answer 4

A couple of miles? Come on TD.....come on Dondi....we have miles to go before we could sleep!

Answer 5

I don't think the story "reflects" the pace in the wording, either. I think the pace especially in the beginning is jarring, kind of like an old jalopy trying to decide whether to go or stop. The first line is Keatsian, where the rest of it is contemporary, the names do not flow easily with the action.

I think you'd be best to lose the first line right out and perhaps move the remaining three lines (sans the "almost") to the end. It may mess up the chronological order of the "story" but it makes the experience much more human.

Answer 6

I praised this technique in another of your poems. The technique works here just as well. I think the first line is superb, I can feel my joints popping in it, and it sets the table for the arthritic feast that follows. Anyone who doesn't understand or like this poem has got to be under fifty.

Answer 7

Absolutely!

Answer 8

"Hi!",

"yeah I have too say when you post you fly because it takes me a bit to catch up when you get going".

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 9

I think that if you showed them with scratches and cuts and foliage in their hair it would add to the vision.; unless you are attempting to get your readers to see the imagery without coming right out and telling them.

If I were to change anything I would find a replacement for "soon." It would be a word that had more struggle involved. maybe "finally."

I don't have a clue about Nathan. He must have been reading another piece, maybe his own.