This will be my last question?

Question

First why are people so mean. I need answers to my last 2 questions and people just make mean comments.

I'm not ready to go and talk to anyone about adoption so this is where I came. My bad.

Answer 1

Are these people looking to adopt your unborn child?

Or are they wanting to be gracious and support a poor single mother who wants to parent.

Either way if it’s their money they are more then able to spend it on what they want and if that is finical providing for you , its their money.

Try not to let some people get too you. I realize you are in a tough pickle and have a lot of tough decisions to deal with.

Answer 2

Someone is offering to buy your baby??? Report them and run away fast.

Keep your child or have an abortion.

Answer 3

What is your question?  Not everyone has read your other questions.

Answer 4

My guess is that what your "sugar-mama" is offering is illegal.  That is not a mean comment.  It is the law.

Just ignore the mean comments.  I have been reading your questions and am disgusted by some of the comments.

If you truly need help and are certain that you want to relinquish your child to adoption, please go to Planned Parenthood.  They are not judgemental and can help you find an agency that will protect you and your child's rights.

Don't stop asking questions.  Questions are good.

Answer 5

people are stupid and that is why so many children end up having bad lives because if the dad isn't there for them, then it's just an over-stressed mother trying as hard as she can, but it's not enough and the children suffer....

I'm a single mom of two and I'm 19...I got pregnant and had my first at 15, second at 17, and it's been rough, and yes, my children have suffered, and could have had a much better life and I regret the decision I made to keep them, even though I did graduate and am a student in college, because you know what, I am always overstressed and yelling at them and I can't give them everything they need and barely anything they want.

>>>In answer to your last question, in Ohio, we also have agencies that do that, the adoptive parents pay for all of your medical care and housing and whatever you need while pregnant and in recovery and it can be a very positive experience.  There are also "open" adoptions, and you can visit your child, or be send photos and letters from the adoptive parents and/or your child as they grow up, to make it easier so that you aren't left wondering or regretful that you don't know.

Answer 6

I just looked at your other questions.  I wish you luck in your decisions.  As a potential adoptive parent (here in Canada, different ball of wax down there I here) I can say that not all, in fact most adoptive parents I know are loving people.

The choice, to either keep, abort or adopt your baby out is your decision and your decision alone.  I am sorry that you are in this situation, and that you are unsure.  My only advice is that these question and answer thingy's are good, but for something as serious as this it is good to go to a pregancy counselling centre where they can help you with all the information you need, and give some much needed support.

The best to you!

Answer 7

Don't mind them, they like to give stupid answers. I get mean answers sometimes, but i focus on the good ones.

Answer 8

i'm not exactly sure...which means i shouldn't be answering this question

but good luck cause gettin a free ride for a couple months

can't go wrong w/ that

Answer 9

Hi Pookie,

Oh honey, what a hard set of decisions you are facing. I really feel for you. Please don't rush into any decisions, they are yours to make and they take a good bit of time and thought. From what I read of your questions, you are very early in your pregnancy, so you have time to figure out what you think and how you feel. To my mind, both of these things are important-- this isn't a decision to be made only with your rational mind or with your heart -- it will take both. And that is oh so hard. Because we aren't taught how to do that. As girls/women we are taught that our emotions are suspect, that we should only trust our intellects. So sometimes we react the other way and go strictly from the emotions. Integrating both is best, but it is hard.

This isn't necessarily the best place to ask about adoption, because no one here knows your situation, but it isn't the worst by any means. Please read and pay attention to what Tish, Andraya and Liz27 have to say. They know what they are talking about.

The worst place to go at this point is probably a private adoption attorney, a potential adoptive parent who contacts you directly (like the one you mention) or some/most adoption agencies. Good places would be other other parents whose children have been adopted (like Andraya) or who have decided to parent under pressure to relinquish (like Tish). Also check out http://www.exiledmothers.com/  This is how many women feel when they do not parent their children. It is not how all women feel, but many do, so you want to be extra sure that you will mostly not feel this way -- or you will regret it the rest of your life. Good luck with this decision. It is not something you have to decide in early pregnancy, though it may feel like it now. Best is if you figure out what your support system for parenting will be, give birth and try for several months, and then decide if you want to relinguish for adoption. You will face a lot less pressure that way, as newborns are what the agencies are trying to "sell." Some are not in the business of coercion, but many are, and it is hard to tell the difference. If you tell us where you live, some of us may be able to find an ethical agency in your state.

In answer to this question, it is hard to tell, not knowing where you live. In some U.S. states it is legal for potential adoptive parents to pay very basic living expenses for a potential "birth" mother while she is pregant. Things like helping to pay for medical exams are generally accepted. Things like rent and school are a lot more of a problem, and in some states and countries this is not legal. I don't know of ANY situations where this is legal as a private transaction -- as between you and someone who contacts you via email. Generally an agency needs to be involved for this to be legal -- and no money changes hands directly between the person/people who might want to adopt a baby and the mother. That would be like buying a baby, and no one ethical or moral wants their baby or their parenting to start out like that. And even if it is legal, it isn't fair to you, because if they pay for a bunch of stuff it might start to seem as if you "owe" them the baby -- and the baby is yours and cannot be "traded" for any amount of money.

For your previous question, the man who got you pregnant (under the circumstances I'm a little reluctant to term him the "father", though to the child you must understand that he will be) does not even have to sign away parental rights in most U.S. states if you do not name him. And if he signs off, in most states he can do so secretly -- AT THE PRESENT TIME. However the laws are changing, and by the time your baby is an adult, they will hopefully have been changed enough for adoptees to have full access to their birth certificates -- same as anyone else. And no matter what, I find it unlikely that this will stay a secret. If this man fooled around with you enough to get you pregnant, it is very unlikely you are or will be the first/only one.

So don't think about him. Think about yourself and the baby/child. I understand your thoughts about not wanting to subject you child to stigma because of being biracial, or the product of adultery. Don't worry too much about the adultery thing. It really isn't that big a deal anymore, and almost no one calls someone a "b*****d" using the historical meaning. Race, however,  is an issue. A big one. And I really admire you for wanting to spare your baby the pain of racism. That shows a lot of maturity and a strong mothering instinct. Sadly, though, you really can't spare your child from facing racism.; The likelihood is that your baby will end up being adopted by a white couple, who will likely be even less likely than you to be able to raise him/her to feel good about him/herself.    

So what I think you need try to forget about that part and think of the baby inside you. To me it sounds as if you are already having loving, motherly thoughts about what is best for your baby. If so, you are the best parent. If you think there is no way you could parent this child without being angry at it because of the father, or if you truly feel that you will always resent this child, then it is possible you might not be the best parent -- but think long and hard about this, and preferably for a good while AFTER the baby is born before you decide. Often the baby is enough to make the mother change her mind and know that she will love her child no matter what. Either way, it is YOUR decision to make, with no pressure from the father, your parents, an adoption agency, or certainly anyone who emails you.

Best of luck to you with this. Know that there are many of us here who will help in any way we can to connect you with what you need to parent your child. I can understand how you can feel that some here are "mean," but it is only because they know what if feels like to lose a child or lose a mom.

Best wishes

Answer 10

Don't get pissed off they are stupid people that don't have a life, so ignore them, they probably have problems, so don't be angry!!!! :D

Answer 11

they like to be mean.  just ignore those people or report them if they get real nasty and theyll be sorry maybe

Answer 12

First off, adoptions are private. And yes, it can all be done discreetly if you so choose. Secondly, i think it's legal in most states for an adoption agency or adoption facilitator to set things up for the birth mom to be taken care of financially during her pregnancy. This often includes relocation. It's not 'buying your baby'. It's making sure your needs are met while you are pregnant. It's perfectly legal.

Answer 13

depends on the state.  It is illegal in some.  I wouldn't listen to that unless you verify it is legal in their state.

Answer 14

This sort of thing used to be legal, but many states have now outlawed such disreputable behavior because it is, in fact, corrupt and manipulative. You'll have to find out whether or not you'd be breaking the law in your particular state.

One thing I think people forget is that nowadays, thanks to the internet, it's almost impossible to keep secrets. 20 years from now, your child may very well find your questions to this forum archived somewhere. Do you want to explain to your child that what he/she read was because you were in such a desperate circumstance that you considered the offer for just a moment, but chose instead to protect him/her from such unscrupulous behavior? Or, would you rather have to justify to your recently reunited child why you abandoned him/her with the kind of people who would make such an unethical offer? Think about it: is that really the kind of person you want as a parent to your child?

Answer 15

hey there pookie, I just read all of your questions and It seems like you have a lot on your mind.I guess that I would to. So the wife of this man has no idea right? Well It will come out and day that he has a child with you. What if the baby grows up and wants to find the both of you?Are you prepard to take care of this baby yourself? You should not have to suffer because he is married. And this is happing to you it very well could happen to the next girl. I think that his wife should be told the truth. And Go from there. Sorry everyone is being mean to you. But the truth is the best way out>GOOD LUCK

Answer 16

DON'T DO IT!! that is illegal in some countries. Imagine, this person pays for everything for you, and then for your checkups, they're not paying for YOU, they're paying for YOUR BABY!! But what....what if you give birth to your baby, and decide you want to give it a try, to parent, you can't let go of your baby, you find a way to make it work, then what happens to everything that person paid for? they'll feel like its THEIR baby. They'll feel like you owe it to them. And you may feel OBLIGATED to give him/her to them even if you've had an adoption "change of heart"

please, don't make pre-birth relationships with paps, DON'T DO IT!!

just give parenting a try, and see how it goes. You can still achieve your dreams AND parent, it will be a little different than planed, but still worth it, very worth it!

Answer 17

Pookie you really need to be able to talk to someone you trust about this.

People who look for a baby in places like this can be dangerous. Some of them are not allowed to adopt the "right" way, I've heard of convicted child abusers who try this route. Please, please try to find a decent agency to do your adoption through. You can't even imagine the pain you will feel if 20 years from now you find out your baby was given to people who treated him or her badly.

I know how freaked out you must be, I've been there too but this is not a good place to find parents for your babe. It might seem like the faster you do all this the faster you can "forget" about it but that isn't going to happen. You have a tiny baby inside you who is learning to love you through your body. That tiny baby is depending on YOU to make the best choices for it, just because you think you will choose adoption doesn't mean you aren't a mother RIGHT NOW. Until you actually sign the papers you are this child's mom and you have to make choices like a mom would. Maturely, responsibly, carefully. You have to do everything you can to give your baby the best start in life and that includes choosing reputable and legit parents if you choose adoption.

I sent you an email, please think about what I wrote. I know how you feel and I really would like to offer you some support. You don't need people judging you or telling you what to do. You need people to help YOU make the choice that is best for you and your baby. Don't do something you might regret, don't do something that might hurt your baby.

Answer 18

pookie... PLEASE DON'T STOP POSTING QUESTIONS!!!

there is much on this site that is very helpful to your decision.

also, i STRONGLY advise you to seek counseling from a family planning professional.  most health departments have counselors that are truly non-biased (a health department is a state agency, hence must give you all of your options, including adoption, abortion and parenting).

I EDITED THIS POST TO ADDRESS SOMETHING THAT OFTEN BOTHERS ME IN THIS FORUM.  thanks sypermomma for bringing this up :-)

ETA: i just read spydermomma's post and i want to address the issue of racism.  for most, racism is either the 800 lbs gorilla in the room, a source of guilt, or a source of anger and hatred.  for me, it's a reality.

as a black women, with 2.5 black children, i am somewhat concerned when people think that having a "black child" or a "bi-racial" child is a horrible thing. sure, racism exists. and it's our greatest and ugliest sin.  yet , your child did not create racism, nor can be cast aside due to your fear of racism.  my children encouter racism every day.  my son is often taunted for "speaking white" or because he has parents with more than a 6th grade education.  my daughter is the only black child in her private pre-school class; and for halloween, someone thought it would be cute to make her the "black cat" for the class dress-up. including painting her face black.  this staff was fired and the director and other staff were mortified and apologized profusely.

now, as a black woman and black mother do i hurt for my children?  yes. but do i run away from racism or pretend it doesn't exist. no. do i generally cut a$s when someone pulls some racist bullsh!t (like the black cat thing) on my kids??? h**l yes!!!  

that's the point i make.  you can not hide this child away in a bunker out of fear that someone will call him a N-- or half-breed.  what you CAN do is teach your child that s/he is beautiful, intelligent and wonderful... and let them know that people who think that s/he's not, are stupid and eat "ca ca..."