Those adoptees who have 'issues', who do you blame the most for your adoption?

Question

I just wondered, reading some posts, why all the blame seems to be on the adoptive parents. Sure, a lot of birthmoms have been coerced into relinquishing, but it happens less than some would have us believe. Just wondering why they escape the blame. Would that ruin the fairytale, perhaps?

Answer 1

something stinks here....and its not me....

Answer 2

Well everyone has 'issues', right?

I think the insitution of adoption is most at fault for MY 'issues'.

My natural mother had no choice in the early sixties but to surrender me.  It was one 'choice' that could never be revoked.

My APs should not have been canidates for adoption.  My mom had 13 miscarraiges before I came to them--I believe she thought it would be the same as raising her own child--it isn't.  My father wanted to please her, so he jumped through the agency's hoops, and we were a 'family'.  Hardly ideal.  But they were fed a load of bull, too.  And just did what they were told.  Which meant ignoring my emotional needs as a child.  

The system is and was (because they are different, actually worse) terribly flawed.  It's truly an unhealthy way to live.

The difference now is that ignorance is NO excuse.  APs need to put kids mental health ahead of their needs and desires.

Oh, and if you don't get the natural mother perspective read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.

Answer 3

I blame gummy bears.

I really do.

They're just so cute...and yummy.

They're delicious, really.

What were we talking about again?

Answer 4

The only fairy tales I know concerning adoption are about how wonderful it is, and how it's always in the best interest of the child, and how we're all orphans or our mothers loved us so much they gave us away, or all birth mothers are teen crack whores, and it doesn't matter because the ones who raise you are the real and only parents.  

Oh, and recently I've heard this great one:  Once upon a time, if an adoptee wondered where s/he came from or suggested that adoption isn't always the right solution, s/he magically turned into a hateful, bitter, crazy sarcastic n**i with four or five screennames and a ruined life who thinks non adopted people live happily ever after!

Is that the fairy tale you meant?  I won't cop to any of the rest of it, but I've decided to see how much I can do to deserve--nay, wear with pride--that "sarcastic" tag.  I can no longer pretend I believe you're sincerely interested in actual answers to your questions.

Answer 5

When you say issues...does it mean that those of us that think of our birth mothers are wrong in thinking about her? I do think about my birth mother, not to fanatize about what it would of been like to live with her. I think about her because i want to know why she choose to give me up, why she thought i had something special in me to provide me with parents who care for me. I mean my birth mother kept my younger two siblings..this is how they turned out, one is a meth addict in jail, the other gave up two babies and it wasn't because she wanted them to have a better life, she gave them up because it didn't fit into her lifestyle. I honestly believe if they didn't live with my birth mother they would of had different lives. i mean with her they were surround with drugs and questionable men. I wonder why my birth mother choose the life that she did. I think about my birth family everyday. In fact i have just contacted my grandma. She was very happy to hear my voice and know that i grew up to be a wonderful person. So, yes do i have issues. Maybe so, i have a fear of rejection. I take things too personally, like this question. Some of it i do think does stem from my birth mother...because before i was adopted she really didn't care for me. I want to think she wanted to care for me, but her drugs and lifestyle were too important. I think with any of my posts have not  blamed my adoptive parents, because that would be kinda of dumb of me to blame them. They are the ones that gave me a home, and raised me.  I do think that you and others shouldn't lump all us adoptees together who say well i have an issue with this. Because some of us may have issues, but it doesn't mean we are anti-adoption, or we hate our adoptive parents. I know i don't hate my adoptive parents. Do i think there are people here posting hateful things? Yes, but i'm not one of them.

Answer 6

I don't blame anyone really

But I do think that the agencies and social workers who forced my mother to give me up and into an abusive home were wrong in their judgement.

I also think it is sad that my adoptive father took me on when he couldn't handle a baby and physically abused me.

I don't blame anyone for being put into a foster home, that was unavoidable in the circumstances.

My new adoptive parents then picked me.

My parents tried their best but  my adoptive parents even though they did their own research, they continued to hide things from me and treat me as a gift, rather than recognising my grief and helping me through it.  However, I know they love me, and would do almost anything for me. There is no question about that. They were just ignorent of the facts of adoption.

I don't blame my birth mother because she did not want to give me up, but I don't know about other adoptees.

It's not about blame, it's about trauma, it doesnt really matter who is to blame in the end, it's more about how you survive the rest of your life, and the people who are or are not there to support you and understand you.

Answer 7

Dearest Weeme,

I know you care so much about the feelings of mindless morons as you so graciously put it.

I don't blame adoptive parents, I don't have a fairy-tale, I have a life experience which is very difficult to reconcile.

I love my adoptive parents, I think they are good, decent people.

I actually think adoptive parents are flat-out lied to by adoption agencies (talking infant adoption here) about what adoption is like and this impacts the infant in question greatly.

I do think adoptive parents who clasp their hands to their ears and scream la la la la, are acting irresponsibly, not all adoptive parents are like that though.

If you want to know what I think you can read my question where I ask why people who believe there is a dark side to adoption post here.  I laid it out, and last time I checked there were 14 articulate and well-thought out answers, reading this may help clarify who we are for you.

I believe you saw it, because weren't you the one who attempted to invert it?

Sorry, if I have you confused with someone else.

If your intent is to fluster me, and others like me, you are going to have to try a bit harder, my intent is NOT to harm anyone, but to make sure the entire reality of adoption becomes part of the dominant paradigm, so that people do not needlessly suffer, and adoption can become the social service meeting the needs of children that it should be.

Certainly, calling me names like moron, n**i, stalker, are like water off a duck's back, I am not those things.

OT, but as a former employee of the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, I find the comments about adoptees being n***s highly insensitive to Jewish community, JMO.

Answer 8

I am tired of the constant baiting.  

It would be nice if the Adoption section on Y!A could get back to sincere questions and sincere answers, and eliminate those "questions" and "answers" - like this one - which are designed solely to inflame some kind of "war."

I think we could do without the name-calling, ridiculous assumptions, and insinuations.  Let's ignore all these and get back to sincere, helping information and true education.

Adoption is supposed to be for the benefit of children in need of permanent, emotionally healthy homes.  Could we please focus on that?

I have spent the past 10+ years researching and learning about the underlying causes and results of infant/maternal separation, abusive/bad parenting, infant & child trauma, etc.  I have a lot of knowledge to share.  But, if these inflammatory Q & As continue, Y!A will not longer be a benefactor of this knowledge.  

Petty personal issues and unresolved anger on the part of certain people are preventing desperately needed evolution in responsible child rearing & care.

Answer 9

I don't blame my adoptive parents - in fact I'm very fond of them, they are wonderful people

You want birthmom's to carry the blame?  My mom was not married and therefore society decided that the way I came into the world was not acceptable and she was not fit to be a parent solely on the basis that her name was not prefixed with 'MRS'  No.  I don't blame my Mom

So if anything, in my situation (and everyone's situation is different) I blame societies attitude to single motherhood.

Oh, and my father.  How come father's get off scott free?  hmmm  He was not there for her or for me

But these days in the current adoption market the blame for the needless separation of families lies squarely on the shoulders of private adoption agencies who are in the busines of ensuring relinquishments of infants for their waiting, paying customers.   It is a supply and demand market and who drives the demand?  Adopters.

Answer 10

Why are you focusing on blame?  

Are you feeling guilty?

I'm also unclear on your fairtytale reference.  Adoption fairytales I'm most familiar with deal with wicked stepmothers.  Or the Ugly Duckling.

Answer 11

Nasty.

But I'll bite.

Firstly - please know that relinquishment and adoption are two parts of 'adoption' - which are often lumped together.

They are in fact separate entities that need to be looked at in different ways.

Relinquishment is the act of separating mother from child.

Adoption is the act of placing a child into another family - often a family not related to the child.

Many many of the adoptees here that post have said over and over again that they love their adoptive families very much - and I have rarely read that they 'blame' their adoptive parents for their actual 'adoptions'.

Separation from one's mother is traumatic. It is the first loss an adoptee has.

It is how that separation is treated after the fact that can make or break an adoptee - perhaps making it a 'good' or a 'bad' adoption experience.

My adoption - my story - my maternal grandmother had a great deal to do with my mother being pressured into relinquishing me - as was society at the time. My father offered marriage - but my mother felt such terrible pressure from her mother - that she saw no way out.

6 months after my birth - they married - and had 3 more children.

For me - my adoption did not need to happen. It caused pain for me - and it caused pain for my mother.

The faults which my adoptive parents played in my feelings about my adoption (not just relinquishment) were in the fact that they did not allow me to talk about my adoption, about my first mother, about the losses I felt, about the confused feelings I felt.

They encouraged me NOT to search and seek out my family.

They wanted my history - my story - to remain a secret - without giving me any choices.

They made me feel indebted to them, and made me go against all the natural instincts that I held.

If you feel you don't have as many 'issues' as others that post here - perhaps your adoptive parents validated your losses and dealt with your curiosity etc in a much more caring way than my adoptive parents did???

Well done to them.

Many of the adoptees here - and I know many of them very well ( and their stories) - certainly have gripes towards their first families at times. Why do you think that many ask those that are considering adoption to fully research the effects on themselves and on their unborn child??

Most adoptees that speak out against the happy-happy adoption line - are trying to open the eyes of those women that are considering relinquishing  - AND - those that are considering adoption.

If a women is considering relinquishing - they need to have ALL the facts - and know fully - the ramifications of the relinquishment both on them and on their child.

It's a life long decision - that often causes pain for some - if not all of that time.

It hurts the child.

If it doesn't truly HAVE to happen - then it shouldn't.

If people are considering adoption - they need to be aware of the dodgy adoption agencies out there - just wanting to make another buck of someone else's misery/elation - and that they need to be aware of the issues that many adoptees face through various stages of their lives - and that adoptees fair much better when they are allowed full knowledge of their first family - including contact if possible - and the acknowledgment of their losses is paramount to an adoptees psyche.

If adoption MUST take place - wouldn't you rather see the adoptive parents being fully aware of all sides of adoption - knowing that an adopted child needs a lot of extra love and care - rather than just pretending that all will be fine - as long as they keep their heads in the sand?!?!?!

Most adoptees that I know - just want to look out for other adoptees that are feeling pain.

Pain which is often exacerbated by people saying that they should be grateful that they weren't aborted - that they should be forever grateful to their adoptive parents (no matter how they were treated) - and not allowing adult adoptees to feel pissed off about their own adoption - about their own experience - if that is what they want to feel.

To me - in my honest opinion - your question - and the tone which you used - exacerbates the problem for many adoptees.

I'm on the side of adoptees.

Who are you trying to look out for?

Answer 12

I blame both my parents for abandoning me.

I blame my adopters for changing my name, which was the only thing I had left that was mine.

I blame society for allowing adoption to happen.

I blame the state of NY for holding my records hostage.

In general, I also blame society for making women feel like they have to have children, and thus many infertiles seem to go off the deep end trying get pregnant, and when they can't they are prime customers for the greedy and corrupt adoption industry.

Answer 13

I blame the system. I have never met an adoptive parent who says "mwuahahaha I'm going to go steal a baby from a helpless young woman today, wipe out its past and force it to live a lie!" I think aparents are victims of the adoption monster quite often. The only aparents I place blame on are those that know the system is corrupt and participate in it anyways, and/or know that the mother wants to, or is considering parenting the child and talk her out of it. Otherwise, I blame the agency/system. Yes, I think more aparents should educate themselves, but I don't think a lot know that there is anything to be educated about. I blame the industry and agencies for the lack of education. I blame the agencies/industries for the coercion, unless the aparents knowingly participate in it. I can look back now and see several things I did wrong with the adoptions of my 2 children, but I didn't realize it then and don't feel I am to blame (though I should've better educated myself).

My mother left me when I was 4 and never came back. I have no fairytales or fantasies about the perfect mother who had their baby ripped from their wombs and given to another despite her objections in my case. My mother barely has anything to do with me even now, and my aparents were amazing. I, in fact, am an adoptive parent. That doesn't change the fact that I feel pain and loss, that I think there needs to be a ton of reform and education available, that I think the number of adoptions that happen needs to be dramatically reduced, and that I believe both sides should be told and heard.

Answer 14

My natural mother doesn't escape any blame. The thing that hurts most for me is that she didn't fight for me. She didn't find some way to parent me. But unfortunately she also had a lot stacked against her. She had parents who were not supportive and sent her away. The priest of her church made all the arrangements without ever asking her what she wanted. And she lived in a time that made being a single mother virtually impossible.

More than anything though, I blame the agencies for selling the dream. I blame them for the lies they told - and believe me, there were lies told to both my natural mother about who was adopting me and to my adoptive parents about my natural mother. Gee, I wonder why agencies don't want records opened.

And I blame, and will continue to blame, those who adopt blindly who seem to care more about getting a baby then they do about ethics.

Oh, eta, I don't have a fairytale - I know ALL my parents so there is nothing to continue to dream about. And the funny thing is, my natural mother turned out to be better than my fairytale of her.

Answer 15

Do you honestly think that most natural moms walk into an agency with their minds made up? How naïve of you. Most walk in very unsure of what to do, they are then "shown" how adoption is the "only" way to "make it all better".

My adoptive parents were awesome, until my mom died and then everything fell apart. I blame a lack of resources for adoptive parents and a lack of counseling that deals directly with adoption issues for ALL parties. I blame societies need to sweep anything not 100% positive under the rug and I blame the agencies for not providing enough follow up support once the adoption is finalized.

Answer 16

I am 47 next week, was adopted by wonderful American parents from Germany.  My birth mom was 16 and probably had to give me up.  I do not blame ANYONE for ANYTHING.  They all loved me and did what was best for ME.  Thank God.

Answer 17

I take issue with the states and the adoption industry.  Actually coercion happens a great deal more than you think.  See you are blaming the natural parents here.  They deal with that kind of negativity as well.  Its great as long as they are giving you the child.  Boy when the deal is done, the knives come out.

Answer 18

I'll assume that you mean issues with adoption.  Someone, anyone, who tells me they don't have any issues at all, with anything?  They don't understand the word "issues."  

So adoptees who have 'issues' with adoption?  I can't speak for them.  I'm not an adoptee with 'issues.'  I'm an adoptee with issues about adoption.  The 'quotes' suggests you think my experiences aren't real.  If you didn't mean to suggest that, perhaps you might try to rephrase your question?  If you did mean that, I take some exception to your suggestion.

In any event, I don't blame aparents.  There may be particular aparents that are bad, but there are plenty of plain parents that are bad, so that's not surprising.

Indeed, I'm not sure I blame anyone.  Maybe, as my story bears some similarity to Possum's in this regard, I blame my nmom's mom, who dictated my relinquishment.  Maybe I blame my nfather for having s*x with a woman that he seemed to have never loved.  Maybe I, too, blame the system and society for not recognizing the problems my nmom faced and helping her more.  And for not recognizing the problems I faced and leaving me at sea with them.

But I'm not really interested in blaming anyone.  I'm interested in coming to grips with my experience, with the loss I felt, and the fears of abandonment that I have dealt with since.  I'm also interested in sharing that experience with others.  One reason for that is that I have found it invaluable to find out that I'm not alone.  Another reason is that I hope it might spark a better understanding of the issues that some adoptees face so that adoptees, aparents, nparents, social workers, and society at large can better help the adoptee deal with those issues.  

I know I haven't answered the question you asked, since I haven't addressed whose to blame for 'issues.'  But I hope that I've answered the question you meant to ask (meaning, I hope you meant to ask about issues, rather than 'issues').

Answer 19

Honestly I don't blame my birth mom at all as it was the times that if your where not marred you don't have a child! I do blame the adoptive parents for there actions in what they and  only they could control no one alts can.

I also feel that in my cases the state has a lot to answer for to as if they had done more checking they would have found things sooner and maybe i would not have the disability's i have now from it.

all things considered the birth mom was only trying to do the right thing and giving us up for a better life is what the hope is with adoption the fact that it is something that really happens where it is a better life can not be predicated as i am shore that there are a few out there with a good adoptive family but the most part it is a high abuse thing and that is just not right