Thoughts about a single mother afraid to date because she might lose some of the closeness with her daughter?

Question

I am a single mother of an almost 5 yr old daughter. Her father has recently gotten married. She talks all of the time about how she wants her step-mom to go away because she wants to just be with her daddy (normal)...the thing is, she isn't as close to him as she is to me. So if I were to find someone and marry, it would only affect her even more. I HATE the idea of that...I do not want "getting on with my life" to affect her in a negative way. She and I are so close that people comment on it constantly, how did I do it, asking me for advice...things like that. We just mesh, she and I. She knows I'm the mommy (aka boss) so it's not one of those "friends instead of the parent" things...I've somehow managed and ended up being her best friend while maintaining my parental status in her life. It's great!! I love her and adore her and cherish our relationship so much. So here's the other twist to my question...beyond me dating again hurting her...it SCARES me!! Let's face it, someone else being around inevitably takes time away from her and our one on one personal intimacy. It would rock our whole world and turn it upside down. And so in addition to not wanting to do that to her...it scares the heck out of ME! I do not want anything to interrupt our relationship, how she can completely rely on me focusing on her...how our time together and the sheer amount of laughing we do will diminish when 'he' enters the picture. I light up her room and she does mine...and it is because of our closeness, our focus on one another. As she says, I'm her "favorite and" her "best"...and I don't want to do anything to lessen that. I'm a bit torn up over the thought. She and I talked about it the other day and she started to cry...because she wants a brother and/or a sister and when I told her then I'll have to get married for that to happen she just sobbed saying she didn't want that. And I had to hide the fact that I was tearing up too... Have you been in a similar situation as a single parent? Someone help me with your thoughts, please? This, I should specify, isn't just about her...it's got a whole lot to do with MY fear of someone coming into our situation lessening our closeness! How close she and I are is my most proud accomplishment! I don't want to choose spending time with someone else (or someone else included) over spending our special time together.

Answer 1

I'm sorry I don't have an answer.  I too fear this as my daughter gets older.  She is about to turn 1 year old and I get nervous thinking about the coming years when I get into the same position!  I think that you should either just stay single til shes a little older (but that can be hard!) or just date someone and take it VERY slow.  I just think its great you 2 have such a great relationship.  I hope my daughter and I are the same way!

Answer 2

Well, how wonderful the relationship sounds!

I think you are right - which is underlying everything you explained. Best that you stay single, be a MOM - there is lots of time in the future for a lovelife for you.

Answer 3

Im 28 and I am a single mom I have two children a daughter (8) a son (2) and I think that the fact that you and your daughter are close should make you dating and or getting married easier! Communication is very important that being said you should start talking to your daughter about things early in a way that she would understand. More than likely your going to meet someone one day and probably have a relationship. Talk to your daughter and once your start dating someone she will probably be fine especially if its someone thats making you happy trust me kids can sense all of that!

Answer 4

Well you would need to let him know from the get go that she is the most importnant person in your life and he as to accept that..

Also make sure to do plenty of stuff with her with him to get her used to him

Then you have to listen to her as she will let you know if some thing is wrong and she don't like him

If you find someone that she also likes then it will be easier and you will not loose that closeness it will be stronger as she will have the sense that you care what she thinks

Answer 5

TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT GROWN UP DECISIONS IS A BAAAAD IDEAL FOR ONE YOU ARE FORCING HER TO GROW UP TO FAST SHE'S ONLY FIVE SHE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT HOOLA HOOPS AND DOLLS .AND OF COURSE YOU LOVE HER TILL IT HURTS AND LIKE WISE SHE THE SAME . TRY SHOWING HER THAT YOU ARE LONELY AND THAT YOU MISS A COMPANION AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT  SHE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS AND ASK HER WHY CAN'T YOU  HAVE A FRIEND AND GIVE HER THE SAD FACE LIKE ITS A GAME EVEN THOUGH ITS SERIOUS. REASSURE HER THAT SOME THINGS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT BUT THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR HER,AFTER ALL MAMA GOTTA HAVE A LIFE TOO! AS FOR YOUR NEW FRIEND YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO HIM THAT IF HE CAN'T ACCEPT YOUR CHILD THAT YOU CAN'T ACCEPT HIM AND THAT IT IS YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY .AND DURING YOUR MEETING WITH HIM THAT THE DAYTIME IS ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND YOUR CHILD ONLY MOVIES THE PARK MCDONALDS SHOPPING ETC. AND THAT THE HOURS AFTER HER BED TIME BE SET ASIDE FOR YOU! IF HE IS WILLING TO ACCEPT THOSE TERMS AND TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER WITH THE HIGHEST OF REGARD AND BE  UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECTFUL OF HER FEELINGS THEN HE IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN AND IS WORTHY OF YOUR AFFECTION AND YOU NEVER KNOW SHE MIGHT LIKE HIM TOO AND IF SO THAT THE MAN FOR YOU CAUSE IF YOUR CHILD DOESN'T LIKE HIM YOU WON'T BE HAPPY AND NEITHER WILL SHE JUST LIKE WITH HER DAD

Answer 6

I am the same way, and I vowed to myself to never let a man get in the way of mine and my child's relationship. This child is my main focus, when she is older (an adult) I will start dating again, but until then, we are all each other has :-)

Answer 7

Oh, absolutely! My son does NOT react well when I start dating someone, regardless of how nice they are. Not to mention, if it doesn't work out for some reason, not only do YOU break up with this person, but so does your child!

If you can withstand remaining single throughout the duration of your child's life at home, then I would absolutely stay single. You can have a fulfilling life without having to be dating someone.

My son is turning 13 and I have been single for 10 years now. Life has been a series of ups and downs, but mostly downs when I'm with someone. I've decided that staying on my own is the best decision. And if I have "needs", there are always "toy" stores that can take care of that particular problem! LOL

Answer 8

It is hard isn't it? The relationship you two have is so strong because you've had such an intense time, just the two of you most of the time. As a single Mum myself (my baby is still only 9 months old) I can already see how intimate our relationship is compared with couples who share responsibilityy. She is very outgoing and friendly but the relationship with me is like no other.

I think the answer lies in resolving your own fears. I think you may be passing these on unintentionally to your daughter. She is picking up on these and it is causing her fear too.

There are many mothers who have remarried and their children love their step dad. I have friends who really enjoy the relationship they have with a step mother and step father (although it is a different relationship than the one they have with their natural parents). But this starts with the parents being at ease with it first.

You deserve to have a full life, especially because your daughter won't be at home forever. It may become a lot of pressure on her later on if you are still single and your only happiness comes from her. She likes it like that now. But it may not always be the case.

You can start by just being more social. Perhaps sometimes you will go out for an evening with friends and she will have a sitter. She needs to see you living your life and come to terms with the fact that life isn't all about her. And, of course, so do you. Perhaps get a stylist to give you a wardrobe overhaul - start feeling s**y and feminine again (assuming that has taken a backseat for a while).

You are a role model for your daughter, and that includes role modeling healthy relationships and a healthy self-image.

Finally, no man is good enough for you if he doesn't respect the relationship you have with your daughter. He has to think she is fantastic too and give you time to be with just her. Otherwise he isn't the right guy.

Hope this helps.