Thoughts on my poem, please?

Question

http://www.teenink.com/raw/Poetry/article/49980/My-Mind/

Please rate! =]

Answer 1

VERY KOOL!

keep writing...you've got talent

Answer 2

good

Answer 3

It's nice.

Answer 4

Very good word choices.

But when you ask them to leave one moment,

you want them back the other.

Answer 5

8

its intellegent, and true

i agree :)

it makes sense, puts thoughts into words

congrats

Answer 6

It's a little rough around the edges, in my opinion. Some of the ideas aren't expressed in the best way (how ironic for that poem). Otherwise, it's a wonderful idea and one of the better teen poems I've seen in a while. Good job :)

Answer 7

Oh boy. I can relate to that.

Answer 8

It shows a lot of potential for you as a poet.

Answer 9

To tell you the truth, I disagree entirely with your premise.  The human mind is a matrix of discerning binary systems, hardly incoherent-- it is our nature to systematize.

That said, I commend you on a solid, persuasive effort.  Your poem provoked thought in me, a critic of your premise, which indicates a degree of persuasion and reverberation.  Well done on that front, which succeeds due in major part to your observance of the objective correlative.  Form fits function.

However, I think that your treatment of the subject is a little unjustified.  There has to be some poetic propulsion that drives a reader to read on.  Why should I read your poem?  Now, you don't need to explicitly justify or defend your topic selection in the poem.  What you do need to do is give me more than a jumble of angsty words.  Tell me a story, give me a metric engine, create connected images that fascinate.  I like the attention you give to your language; I just want more than abstractions.  I want tangible, captivating substitutions.