Thoughts on what to do about a speech-delayed 5-year-old who hits, pushes, pokes in child care?

Question

He sometimes pushes, pokes or hits and has been given a formal warning. If it happens again he'll be suspended. He's been given warnings to keep his hands to himself and why he can never hit, kick, push or poke, but seems not to fully understand the seriousness.

I should add that some of the reports come only from other kids (not observed by a grownup) and sometimes kids do complain unfairly about innocent mistakes. (Not always.)

He can talk a little but not in complete, understandable sentences yet. He understands everything and follows directions in the classroom. It's during free outdoor play time that he gets into trouble.

I've tried reminding him on the way to school - I think that helps a little. We don't usually spank but if that's what it takes, we'll have to do it. I'm not sure he'll really remember the lesson the next day though when he's actually playing with other kids. I've thought about taking away a favorite toy for a week. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

I really do not think that punishment is the way to go on this one.  The fact that he follows the rules in the classroom shows that he is able to and does understand them.  It seems to me that the problem is during unstructured time, he does not know how to appropriately play with the other children.  With delayed and difficult to understand speech, it is going to be difficult for him to interact with the other children.  This reminds me of a student that I had as a kindergarten teacher...he was lonely and wanted to play and the quickest way he knew to get some attention was to push, hit, etc.  I started choosing a special recess buddy for him each day.  I first began by choosing one of my "motherly" girls that I knew would play well with him.  I talked to her about being his recess buddy for awhile and playing with just him at recess for a few days and she agreed to it.  I then presented the idea to my speech delayed boy and his face lit up.  For several weeks I rotated recess buddies for him, until he had formed a relationship with most of the students.  Once the students had been his buddy they were always good about including him and he no longer was so desperate for a little attention that the inappropriate behhaviors stopped.  Just an idea.  Good luck!

Answer 2

My son went through this, and let me tell you that I had him evaluated by the school and he know gets speech therapy and also resource room for comprehension, due to the fact that the speech was also impairing what he did understand.. You should try to get him evaluated, he is just probably acting out because they make fun of him, or because he cant get his thoughts across correctly and gets frustrated!

Try to get him the evaluation, it might help him tremendously!

Answer 3

Spanking is one of those great parental discipline solutions that will really turn around and bite you in the bottom later. You can spank him today for what he did at school 3 hours ago, and the reality is that he won't be able to connect the cause and effect in order to apply it to the next day. The logic is also a bit fuzzy from his point--adults can hit him, why isn't it okay for him to hit when other people do things to him that he doesn't appreciate?

Children with speech delays often have a difficult time expressing their needs and wants. As adults, we often expect more of 5-year-olds than they are developmentally ready to give us. If Johnny takes his toy, and he can't ask, or wait to get it back, his clear option 3 is to smack Johnny and get his toy back.  Unfortunately for him, he probably gets (negative) attention from the teacher and the other children, but hey, at least it's attention.

I imagine he's in child-care because you need to go to work and so on. However, I think your best solution is to take one day each week for a couple of weeks and shadow him in school. Go with the mind-set that you're there to see what a good job he can do. Observe the things that he can do well independently now (find his cubby, his place on the floor or in the circle, share the crayons...) that he couldn't do before. Kids in a behavior rut are often there because there's an imbalance of positive/negative attention that has become a predictable cycle for them. If you see him hit, poke, or push another student, remove him immediately from the situation (calmly) and give no attention. If he screams, cries, or even if he needs to be restrained in your arms, maintain calm and tell him that you'll talk about what happened after he's had five quiet minutes to think it over (set an egg timer). Then have him tell you what happened and why (I'll assume that as his parent, you understand him well enough despite the speech delay).  If you ask, "Why did you push Mike off the tricycle?" and he tells you that he wanted a turn, you need to model for him the appropriate path that he needs to take to get a turn. Talk over your plan so that he knows exactly what he will do. Also, make a plan B...what do you do if Mike tells you that there's no way he's giving up the tricycle? So, take him by the hand, walk over to Mike, get down to his level and have your son ask to please ride the tricycle--even if it's only two words "tricycle, please?". If he says no, maybe he could say, how about "in five minutes?" Then give him the timer and let him wait his turn. The timer gives him some control and it becomes a predictable thing. (If I wait, I get a turn). Or perhaps Mike is done and says sure, you can have my tricycle and your son can say "thanks!"

When you're out and about at stores, talk to him about how you don't push the people ahead of you in the grocery store when you're in a hurry. It's okay to be funny when you're learning and teaching something new. Social graces are hard to learn.

You can get an egg timer at the grocery store that is wind up, digital, or hourglass variety. Use it at home when you need him to wait. If you say, "We'll do it in 5 minutes," Have him watch his special timer. Or if he misbehaves, tell him to take 5 in a chair, or sitting on the stairs (somewhere boring).

Little ones have so little control over their their day. It's helpful to really stay positive and good-humored with them. If you can't go to school with him, act out a situation or two with some stuffed animals. He needs new strategies for getting through difficult social situations, not a smack on the behind!

Good luck--this too shall pass...

Answer 4

It is really frustrating not to be understood, and it is difficult to know what to do when you get angry and upset even when you can speak.  Does he like school?  If he does, speak seriously to him and tell him  the school will not let him come any more if he keeps up the behavior.  Is it possible for him to remain in the classroom for play time for a week or so?  Or to have a spot where he can have a place he can hang out alone outside if he's getting to frustrated?  I've found consequences should be as closely related to the bad behavior as possible for maximum effectiveness.  So hurting kids means he can't play with kids, or can't invite friends over.

Reading books about the same bad behavior in others and how it is fixed can be very effective too --  seeing stuff visually in a picture can help the memory, rather than just the words.  "Please Play Safe" by  Margery Cuyler is good.  There is also one called "Behaviors the Hurt"  with removable pieces that suggests it is good for kids with speech delay and covers pushing, kicking, etc. I've attached the link below. Good luck!

Answer 5

Is he under treatment by his pediatrican?Sounds like there is more going on then just a simple speech delay.If this is the case the school would have to give him resonable accomadations.for his behavior.Get letters from the school and take them to the pediatrican and get him tested for other stuff.Including Autisim

Answer 6

Is he being treated for his speech disorder by a Speech-Language Pathologist? If not, that might be a place to start.

I'm thinking that he may be acting out out of frustration at not being fully understood by his peers.

Perhaps if he gets speech therapy and learns to use words more effectively he will have less of a need to use his fists.

Good luck!