Thougths on this poem?

Question

It's about this girl I like. We seem to have a connection, but remain just friends. I want to tell her how I feel, but am afraid she'll reject me, as neither me or her have been in many relationships. Ok, so here it goes:

I only speak to you occasionally,

Yet I feel like I know you well.

As I learn more of you,

You learn more of me aswell.

Conversation with you flows easily,

I don't have to hold back.

No matter what we talk about,

I enjoy it, because it's with you.

I used to think you liked me,

That you felt my feelings too,

My hopes were ever rising,

Could we date, me and you?

Just as I prepared to tell you,

How I really felt,

Someone else noticed us,

They saw we got on well.

They said our passion was obvious,

We should clearly go out,

So I lied and said ` just friends `

To cast a shadow of doubt.

I wish you could have understood,

That what I said was not the truth,

But the words had already escaped my lips,

And so you thougth no longer of me.

Since I could not be your date,

I would have to settle to be your mate.

But as our friendship steady grew,

I gleaned a secret, straight from you.

Your heart was set on someone else,

You desired him far more than me.

You told me this with total disregard,

For the state of my heart.

Yet when you told him of your feelings true,

He rebuffed you firmly, not caring for you.

Whilst I cried for your rejection,

I rejoiced for my chances yet to come!

And so the time slowly passed,

Until the holidays came at last.

Just before we departed,

You gave me a number, so that we might be united.

And now I know not what to do,

I love you, but should I call and tell this to you?

Or would you look on my emotions with scorn,

And break my heart forever more?

Answer 1

Drawn here by a comment link, which had ssaid anothers sentiment was there but "the flow was not". I thought then to see and critique the poetry here more than the substance.

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But First: Call her up, and ask her out for a coffee, walk, talk, movie, et cetera, et subsequentia.

The emotions, and self-deceits, by way of youthful defensiveness sooner or later give way to a more Devil may care approach. And since that Devil was you, in her case, and she gave you the number of the beast, the Devil may care approach. Dude.

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*I only speak to you     -   6 syl; profound line break

*Occasionally, feel I     -   6 syl; potential rhyme pattern begins.

*Know you well, and know too    - 6 syl; aba? rhyme...

*Life with you might grow real.    - 6 syl; abab rhyme. Same sentiment as the original, but this formulation ensures a better flow. Question is, how the rhyme will grow? Will a remain the same, or will b? Let us see..

*Talking with you I don't   -  6 syl; dramatic reflection of line 1.

*Hold back, no matter who  - rhyme chosen to link to stanza 1.

*Or what conversation   - semi-rhyme with the "n" of "don't".

*Progresses to, it's you.

*I knew then your liking,

*Things that we both cared for,

*But would it be me in

*A year or more you'd pour

*Your ideas for?...

[The rest I leave up to you.]

{Not only second drafts, but second tries can refine and win out where an initial flurry fails.}

=====The Original===========

I only speak to you occasionally,

Yet I feel like I know you well.

As I learn more of you,

You learn more of me aswell.

Conversation with you flows easily,

I don't have to hold back.

No matter what we talk about,

I enjoy it, because it's with you.

I used to think you liked me,

That you felt my feelings too,

My hopes were ever rising,

Answer 2

its good can you rate mine

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 3

this is a nice poem! I really think you should give this to her :) btw, thanks rating my poem.

Answer 4

It was a nice poem

but I hate the way ur rhyme scheme was..

it realllly bugs me when peoples poems have a rhyme scheme thats all out of whack

sometimes ull have ur second and fourth line rhyme..then no lines rhyme..then ur first and second rhyme..and the 3rd and fourht rhyme..

its really retarded and it bugs me lol im sorry

its a great poem..but maybe work on that??

idk...im no writer

Answer 5

aww so sad, romantic & sweet Love it:)

Answer 6

It's cute and quirky. I like how you change the rhyming patterns. It's a nice story.

Answer 7

I really liked it... I think you should give it to her :) Or at least talk to her-  then you won't be left wondering if she likes you or not

Answer 8

I just cried.... you should send this to her!!!

OMGOMGOMG!!!! send this to her

Answer 9

I do appreciate the Rhythm and Rhyme that is often overlooked by these aspiring poets on answers, but It didn't hook me, I think said girl would love to hear it so tell her not us.