Three minute old poem?

Question

Apple turn-over pancake batter brain.

Seeds sprouting up, wheat fields, grain,

Feet perched steady on solid ground,

Mind prison vibrating, jumping upside down.

Body shaking uncontrollably,

Unstoppable electricity.

Circuits to your heart,

Your eyes now start,

To bobble in your sockets,

Like two white opals, in the light socket.

Roots in your pockets,

Flowers in your hand,

Where you can press them against your cheek

Your body is the water, and your mind can be the land.

Answer 1

You have some good phrases, but as a whole, the poem doesn't do much with them.  I'd recommend avoiding the rhymed couplets...they almost always sound "rhymy" and take away from the poem.  If you want to write rhymed poetry, then at least stagger the rhyme so it's abcb, that way the rhyme is delayed by an extra line...but don't shorten the lines...keep them long to delay the rhymed word and you'll have a better poem.  Like I said, you have some good images, but they don't combine into a line of thought.  You could write several separate poems based on some of your phrases though..."pancake batter brain", "Mind prison vibrating", "Your body is the water, your mind can be the land".

...keep writing

Answer 2

The picture or the impression gotten is clear as day, a lone individual is having a seizure out on a farm or did you have something else in  mind? From experience titles are given to poems that are easily distinguished as belonging to the entire 'fabric or structure of thought' . With three minute old poem the person standing on the farm may 'in 3 minutes ' go through the various things mentioned before death, but as a title i do not see the connection.

Answer 3

I love the flow/syntax/ and tone.  I feel that their is no resolution nor theme in the end.  Not unless the resolute is death then it is resolute indeed.  Very original. Great!