Tips on adoption?

Question

My husband and I can't have children due to his cancer illness a year ago. We were newlyweds, so children are very important to us. He is perfectly healthy now and we did bank some sperm, but we only have about 3 chances to get pregnant through In Utero Fertilization. If that doesn't work, we want to adopt. However, I have no idea what steps to take to even look into that. Should I get an attorney? Go through an agency?

Answer 1

Hey, Jenn!

I suggest that you start by doing a lot of research.  There are different avenues to adoption, each with benefits and drawbacks.  I think it's important to research them all (foster, domestic infant and international) before determining what's best for your family.  

I generally recommend agency adoption over attorney adoption.  Private adoptions are risky, both to the expectant mother and to the perspective adoptive parents.  It's also extremely important to do your homework to ensure that you are working with a licensed, reputable agency, if you choose to adopt this route.

There are some great books out there, both about the adoption process, challenges facing adoptees, books from the perspective of adoptees.  It's very important to get as much information from as many different perspectives as possible.

It's fine that you're thinking of adoption now, but please make sure that your grief toward the infertility is resolved before moving forward toward adoption.  It's awful hard for an adoptee to be expected to fulfill some fantasy image of the perfect child.  

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

#1, Adoption is about finding families for children who need them, not about finding babies for adults who want them.  Adoption is really hard on adoptees - they've been taken from the mom they grew inside of, they don't know what's going on, all they know is rejection and sadness.  This feeling never goes away in some adoptees (and whether or not it goes away has nothing to do with the adoptive parents...there is NOTHING we can do but support them).  Adoption is not worthwhile unless it is in the best interests of the child, which means that there was abuse or neglect involved, and their family us UNABLE to parent.

#2, do lots and lots of research about how it feels to be an adoptee.  I'd recommend the books Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew, Helping children cope with separation and loss, The primal wound, and there are plenty of others.  Read adoptee blogs, bone up on legislation, learn about the corruption and coercion that goes on in adoption (as much to protect yourself, as your future children...the last thing you want is to start off your motherhood by unintentionally hurting your child by doing something you could have avoided if you'd known it was wrong).

#3, talk to lots of people.  I've found this to be a great place to learn, and through Y!A, I've found some other fabulous places.  I've learned A LOT.  Adoption is nothing like what the general public sees.  It's a very complex, painful, intense arrangement that takes a child from his/her natural family and/or surroundings, and places them in a strange environment to be raised by strange people.  It takes a lot of time, effort, and energy to become a true advocate for your adopted child.  And you'll need a thick skin.

#4, Be prepared for some pretty serious emotional issues.  Take care of yourself, because you'll need to be "whole" and "healed" in order to be able to care for your child(ren).  I'd recommend the book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control.  This is an excellent system that focuses on taking care of yourself emotionally, so that you have the emotional resources to care for your hurting child.

#5, it's not all bad.  But you REALLY have to prepare for the tough stuff, or else you can't do this.  Trust me, it's way harder on your child than you.  Anyone who chooses not to learn about these things prior to adoption does a great disservice to their adopted children.

#6, if you're still interested, I'd recommend looking into adopting through foster care.  It's free, and you'll be giving a family to a child who really needs one (refer back to #1).  Best of luck to you and your husband!

Answer 3

there are many ways to go about it.....if you choose to do so. We went through foster care...waited one year, and brought home a healthy, beautiful 1 year old. Depending on your requirements, location, state and international laws, your relationship, and stability factors, it usually takes @ 1-3 years to adopt from start to finish. If you do decide to go through foster care, you can simply contact your local DSS/CPS office and request an application...then follow the guidelines. You will need a background check and a current homestudy, but your agent/social services worker will help you through the process. good luck on in utero....and in your future family!

Answer 4

There is a wonderful place that I have experience with... I pasted a link to their site below.. they have a phone number where you can call to speak with someone as well... They are great and helpful people there... I wish you and your husband the best... I was adopted myself.. and my second son was adopted...  Adoption is a beautiful thing ♥

Answer 5

Contact an agency... Talk to a few. See what options you are willing/interested in.

Answer 6

I adopted my daughter from Ukraine a few years back and can offer some guidance.

You can adopt in the United States but you will need to rely heavily on luck. If you want a newborn child then you will need to compete with other potential adoptive parents to be chosen by the birth mother. Alternately you can luck into being at the right place at the right time and/or know someone who is giving a child up for adoption. Another way is to sign up as a foster parent and eventually adopt through this avenue. In the US there is a higher risk that an adoption will fall through or potentially be reversed or that you will need to have an open adoption. Also there is fierce competiton for the younger and healthier children but if you would open your home to older or disabled children, there are many wonderful kids available through your state's family services department. These are all things you need to consider your personal tolerance for.

Interational adoption is constantly changing. Programs open and close and some discriminate against single parents, g*y parents or even those with medical conditions such as cancer so you will need to investigate what international countries will accept you as adoptive parents. When we adopted the timeframe from paperwork to bringing our child home was around 6 months. Now the time can be measured in years.

For a US adoption, seek out an agency or alternately an attorney.

For an international adoption, you will need to first select your country and then depending on which country you choose to adopt from you will then need to use an agency or complete an independent adoption using a facilitator within that country. You need to decide what age child you are seeking, the preferred s*x of the child, what handicaps or health issues you will accept, the money you have available to spend on the adoption and whether you will consider an interracial situation.

Good luck in the process. Being a parent is an amazing thing.

Answer 7

Try looking into foster care. There are plenty of children there that could use a home they might not all be perfect but I bet that they have plenty of love to give and to receive.