Tired of being praised for adopting?

Question

I am sick and tired of people telling my husband and I how lucky our kids are that we adopted them. For the first year, all I heard was "You guys are so special, so great for doing this."

You would think we cured cancer or something.

At first I would just nod and say ty. Then I started to say, "no, we are the lucky ones" and now I am just annoyed...

Does this make any sense? Has anyone else experienced this after adopting? I would so much rather hear "you are doing a good job as a parent" then being given kudos for simply SHARING my life with the best two kids in the world.

Answer 1

Thank you!!!   And here I thought we were the only ones who felt this way.  It's annoying as H3LL.

Answer 2

I'm not an adoptive mother, I'm a birth mother, so I hope I'm not overstepping in putting this up.  I can understand the frustration of people butting in and giving their opinion as I get a similar thing.  "You are so wonderful for placing your child" and the like.  However, when I get that, I have to think that most of them are saying, on some level, "I could never have done that."  My thought is that maybe, on some level, they are saying to you, "I could never open my home to some stranger's child."  Hearing the sub-levels, for me, makes it easier sometimes.

Answer 3

More embarrassed than tired.

People are trying to be nice and I don't want to be rude.  So, I sheepishly smile and say thank you when people make a big deal about it.  Hopefully, over time, people will see them as what they are... 'my sons'... and not 'adopted'.

Answer 4

Ive never been thru that before but I am sure it does get annoying after ayear of hearing it. Just take it in stride and remember they are not trying to be annoying in any way. Thats just peoples way of saying congratulations in there own ways I suppose. They mean that you are special for opening your heart and home for a child and the child is also lucky to have special parents such as yourself. :)

Answer 5

You are doing a great job! and that is exactly what I tell the person who adopted my son 2 years ago. let people know... don't hold your feelings back cause then your just going to get aggravated.

Answer 6

My kids are so beautiful (inside and out) that not one person I know has ever said how lucky they are to have me as a parent (hmm, maybe that is more a reflection of what they think of me as a parent - lol), rather I have heard so many times how lucky I am.

I don't think they believe I could have produced finer children than the ones I have now.  What can I say, I think I have the two best kids in the world too.

Seriously, I would just look at those people who tell you that with pity.  They just don't get it and probably never will.

Answer 7

hehe, yes....it is very frustrating. What is equally frustrating is when they constantly talk about how good my child is....and not in a nice way. I think they all thought he was going to be a deformed misfit...numerous people have said..."he is too cute to be an adopted child" Really? Only ugly children find their way to foster care? Or "wow, he is really well behaved". But the worst is, "why did his real mom not want him" or "what is his background".....over and over people ask these questions.

All I can say is that I would keep saying no, we are the lucky ones....or say something in response like, "yes, and you sure are special and great for raising your children too." I find that when I say something so obvious like that, it makes them (most) think about what they have just said. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 8

OOORRR you could be like me and say " wow, you know a lot about adoption don't you" and just walk away.

I think people feel compelled to say something inspiring at moments like that. They don't mean to be irritating, they just can't help themselves.

None of my kids look like me. When people meet me and my kids for the first time they always get a funny puzzled look on their face and I always turn my head sideways and make the comment " they look just like me don't you think"? That usually leaves them speechless.

Answer 9

I am not an adoptive parent, but let me tell a little story and maybe it will help.

I was raped and conceved a child from the rape, I did not believe in abortion because I thought it was wrong. I knew the man that raped me and his whole family that consisted of 12 brothers and sisters total so I did not report it.

I loved my son from the time that I felt him move inside my woumb and i decided to keep him. That little boy was my joy the reason I woke up every morning. Then I was made to give information on the father to collect child support and the father threatened to kill my son. The police would do nothing because it was a threat. even though he was outside of my home. I never wanted to report the father because I did not want anything from but I was going through a tough time and had to get state assistance.

My son was almost 3 years old when I gave him up for adoption. I am sad everyday with out him, but I know that someone out there had a big heart to take care of my little boy!! You may not cure cancer, but it is people like you who have a big heart to save at least one child that who knows where they would be without you!!

Also alot of people might not know what to say. You both are lucky!!! Just let it go in one ear and out the other!!!

Cherish your childern!!!

Much love from a birth mom wishing she could hold her child again!!

Answer 10

Thanks, Sofiakat, for saying so!  And thanks to all AP's who've chimed in on this!!  

As an adoptee, I've heard I should just be grateful that 'someone' wanted me. I've heard how grateful I should be for being adopted "rather than aborted" - AS IF!  Much as I hate to admit it, I'm old enough that abortion wasn't a viable option for most women.  While abortion has always been around, it was expensive, dangerous, possibly life threatening & nearly impossible to find.  

Besides, my 1st mom wanted a girl & was happy to have me. DSS decided that a (separated) poor, working mom wasn't suitable to raise a child & took me from her. (No other reason per court records)  

There's a myth about adoption that we (adoptees) were "unwanted" children.  It's painful to hear and often untrue. I really wish people would stop perpetuating this idea!

Kudos to you all for setting them straight!

Answer 11

You could say "I'm no more special than any other parent."  Or something like "Parenting is a tough job under any circumstance."  I think in time it will die down as people get used to it.

Answer 12

Yeah, I felt the same way too. I now introduce my sons as our boys without the word adoption attached. If they give me a funny look. I just say "what?"

Seriously, I am most comfortable when our friends/family complement the boys. It's rewarding when I see them sharing or helping without being asked.

Answer 13

I used to answer that I was the lucky one, and I was cranky one day, and I simply replied, "No, he isn't so lucky, or he wouldn't have been placed for adoption.  The poor kid has to put up with someone cranky like me now."  My son had been taken out of earshot by my mother before I said it, but since then, word has spread, (small town), and no one's asked me since.  Before that, I heard it from everyone it seemed, and I feel just as you do, that it is I who am not so much lucky, but totally blessed!

Answer 14

It makes perfect sense - thank you for realising that losing your natural family is far from 'lucky' and that in fact the adoptive parents who really wanted a child are lucky because they got their wish.

It must make you feel as though you have to live up to being some kind of perfect parent or something and that your kids owe  you a debt of gratitude greater than would be expected of any natural kid urgghhhh.  

Hugs

Answer 15

Some people just don't know what to say, or they don't get it. Some may even mean "They're lucky because you are such a good parent". I don't think most mean any harm.

You can take it as an opportunity to educate them, if they're friends or family...even acquaintances and co-workers.

If it's strangers, I wouldn't bother too much "We're very blessed", "We're the lucky ones", "they're the most wonderful kids in the world, we are so honored to be their parents", etc.

Answer 16

Great question...I hear it all the darn time. I am past the point of being polite about it. My standard response is to ask why just my adopted son is the lucky one. If my husband and I are such great parents why aren't my two bio children also lucky?

The worst though is when my son is told how grateful he should be. Thankfully, my warped sense of sarcasm has rubbed off on him because he is quick to point out that they should be so lucky to have a kid like him in their family.

So, I completely agree with you. We adopted a child (or children) did not cure cancer, walk on water or end a darn war. We adopted a child. Nothing more, nothing less!!