Titled, and revised..."The Rose" ?

Question

The Angels came, so I'm told

One hundred fourty four fold

Through the eqinox door, loud as thunder

From the first breath their soul

Wonders what to behold

Of this world, full of color and wonder

Just in time, so it seems

Mankinds wasting his dreams

On vanity and precious metal

The religion, all told

A selfish quest for gold

A rose fraught with all thorn, naught with petal

Still we deal our own hand

Always knowing the plan

Never works without love of our brother

But our brother it seems

Lost the path to his dreams

Now stands cold to the touch of another

If they reach us in time

Will he find peace of mind

Will he share with us lifes secret pleasure

Heavens there if you see

Love from you.... love from me

Is the secret to lifes hidden treasure

Answer 1

I love this poem so much. You should post it in the religion and spirituality section. I think they would love it too.

Answer 2

nice poem ..

"But our brother it seems

Lost the path to his dreams

Now stands cold to the touch of another

If they reach us in time

Will he find peace of mind

Will he share with us life's secret pleasure"

liked these lines.

Answer 3

Very nice, with an interesting and poignant message.

Answer 4

I use this particular rhyme scheme quite often and like it very much. It still needs some paring down, but you have some shining moments in there.

Answer 5

two thumbs up! :)

Answer 6

I missed the first posting, so I get to delight in the finished product!! I've never tried this rhyme scheme, it's now on my to do list. The 2nd and 8th stanza's were my favourites. Perfect ending...

From the first breath of my soul

There was pleasure to behold

Of this world, full of colour and wonder...

Now that's what I felt, as I read along.

Thank you so much.

Temari

Answer 7

I really like this poem. I like the ryhme scheme and the message in the poem, great job.

Answer 8

The revisions are very good. It is a nice poem. Reads well, flows well. Captures the attention and holds it. Good job. Thank you.