To ADHD/ODD single parents in a relationship and partner after 1.5 years states, "cant handle your child"?

Question

I just want to know if anyone out there with a child with ADHD and ODD has had this problem and what happened? I will share my story. My bf and I have been together for 1.5 years. We were very happy together for the first six months. Im 41 and he's 50. We also just had a baby girl. She is 3 weeks old and just beautiful!! Of course its been stressful b/c of the lack of sleep but since my daughter has been born, the stress between my bf and my son has elevated. I can sense it too. My son is 7 years old and has ADHD and ODD really bad. He is on meds and has done well in school but he is very defiant and argumentative. The adhd isnt bad its the ODD that is horrible. He can be mouthy and do things to irritate us purposely it seems. His meds do work during the day and soon will be on the longacting meds. My bf however used to handle my son alot better but now that his daughter is here, he has become so overprotective of her and hardly wants my son near her b/c he's so hyper and sometimes does things that are annoying. Furthermore, my bf and i started arguing alot more over money and other things like marriage. He wanted to get married before and we both backed out. Now that the baby is born, i want to get married next year and he is now saying things like, "i dont think i can handle your son. My mental stress is at stake". I was very hurt and very upset. I love my son and told my bf that i come with a package deal and if he cannot handle or accept my son like his own, then i will have to look at our relatinship differently. He mentions alot how my son isnt his son and that he will only support our daughter. He doesnt even give me any money since ive been prego and had the baby. I have a good job luckily but im on sick leave and i only have 60% of my pay for six weeks. He has been very supportive with the baby and watches her and buys her everything she needs and buys me anything i need for her. Im going to hold off until after xmas and continue making a special night for my son and I. Im hoping my exhusband will take my son every weekend so that i can work and my bf doesnt have to deal with my son. There is no way i will marry this man now b/c im worried he wont accept my son. He is willing to take classes with me to learn about adhd/odd. My son is a handful but he is excellent with me and the baby when we are alone. Im very hurt and upset about this entire situation. Please do not email me with remarks stating i should of thought about using protection before getting pregnant. Yes, we screwed up in that way but now its water under the bridge. I would like to know if there are other single parents out there that have a difficult child that indirectly led to breaking up of a relationship b/c the other couldnt handle your child. Im hoping that i can work things out with this man bc he is the father of my daughter and has alot of good qualities. I admit he has alot to learn about being a real man when it comes to me and not being so cheap. I have told him this and he got really upset with me. He will give me anything i need for the baby but when i ask for a little money, we end up in a huge argument. Now we are arguing about my son b/c he is so hyper around the baby and does things to irritate us due to the ODD.

Answer 1

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Answer 2

What exactly is your question?

I understand both sides, but in the end you have to do what's best for your children. You never state WHAT your son does around your daughter that annoys you, if he could potentially harm her, maybe you need to overthink it all and set new rules for him. If he's just messing around to get your attention, well, seems he succeeded. Have a talk with your boyfriend what he thinks about it all, how he sees your future. You said you wouldn't want to marry him, but what do you want? Sounds like he'll always take care of your daughter. so Kudos to him for that.

Answer 3

You need to address this with your son before it causes permanent damage to him.  He needs your attention, regardless of his ODD.  He is a child that I assume was just with yourself and now has to share your attention, not only with your bf, but also his baby sister.  Please don't let your bf treat your son like this it will damage him for the rest of his life....trust me...my (now ex) husband is a result of his mother doing exactly what you guys are doing to your son....make the change now.

Answer 4

i understand ur situation well. i have 4 children aged 16 and 12, and 5 month old twins. i have been with the twins dad for 3 years, my first partner passed away 6 yrs ago. my 12 year old son has behavioural problems consistent with ODD and everyone finds him to be a very very difficult child - intolerant, argumentative, obsessive. he will do absolutely nothing he is asked even basic things like washing and eating etc. anyway, there is constant tension and drama in our household because of his behaviour - my partner tries his best to tolerate the constant insults and is not always able to keep his head. no one else can either for that matter, my own mum has stormed out of the house many times threatening never to return. he has few friends since they are not willing to put up with his ways.my son has had lots of counselling and we have had lots of family therapy. my partner was always willing to do anything to fix things. we have come to accept that he will always be difficult and are just hoping that as he gets older he will have more things to do outside of the family circle. at the moment it is really horrible. my son loves the twins but the workload for me is huge when they are combined with his behaviour. my partner and i have many times felt like we have come to the end of the line because of all this. i dont feel like i can marry him after all. every day there is something up. i have told my partner to ignore my sons attempts to humiliate him but he just cant. i resent his inability to rise above it and because i think hes flogging a dead horse by trying to discipline him the way a normal father might. i do worry about how this will affect the twins behaviour and the longterm implications for our relationship. i really believe that it is up to my partner to change his approach and to adopt a more mature approach. my advise to you would be to get this out in the open with the help of a family therapist, it cant do any harm and it might raise your partners awareness of how this is not a black and white situation - that there are certain skills he will need to adopt in order to manage ur son. i wish u the best of luck. dont give up hope - there are many resourses out there to help the family. exhausting as it is it would be worth it.

Answer 5

Well, I don't see what you can do aside from leave.  It's best to keep families together, but it's terrible for you 7 year old son to have a stepfather who resents the h**l out of him.  I would assume he'd continue to provide money for your daughter (and if he didn't the courts would require him to), and your son would be spared his cruelty.  Your first priority is always your child.