To Keep It a Secret or Not?

Question

I had a huge debate with a friend of mine who swears it's better to keep the adoption a secret if possible. What gets me is that she felt as strongly as I did but on the other end of the spectrum. I am a strong believer to tell the child they are adopted as soon as they are able to comprehend.

She swears that it will make the child angry through their life if they know they are adopted & to wait until they are an adult or even worse never tell them if possible. Does anybody actually agree with this person's view? I told her that it's not even our right to withhold that information & that people forget it's suppose to be about the children.

She asked me if I was angry all my life. I told her I wasn't angry about being adopted but use to be angry for not knowing the reasons behind the whole abandonment issue...even if I was 'angry' at least that's my right to that knowledge. I would be more furious if I found out later in life as that is a breach of trust.

Answer 1

Not.  Its just not right.

Being adopted, you have a 'need to know' feeling from deep within...you know the one I'm talking about.  No one else could ever understand that unless they too, were adopted.

I think that people who want to keep it a secret are some how hiding feelings of shame within.  Its not a shameful thing to adopt, and its not a shameful thing to be adopted.  Its a wonderful, selfless thing...why wouldn't you jump for joy!?  

I think that it should be a natural conversation between parents and their adopted children.  Its something that should be talked about.  As the adoptee...we have feelings of abandoment (that you mentioned), amoung a plethera of other feelings...we have to be able to discuss so that we can continue our lives in a healthy way (mentally).  Most adoptee's will have some type of issue about being adopted...there's usually no way around it.  However, if I had found out at 20, vs knowing all along that I was adopted...I'd have WAY more issues with my parents than if they had just been open and honest in the beginning.

Answer 2

I agree with you. It's a MAJOR issue if you don't tell the child. They deserve to know the truth about their past, including the beginning.  It doesn't change how much you love them by telling them their origin.

My cousins are adopted and have know their entire lives (considering that they are South American and their parents are caucasian), but a friend of mine discovered the her longtime babysitter was her mother. Unfortunately, by that time, her biological mother had died and her mom died a short time later (her mom told her right before she died) .  She had a lot of pent up anger and aggression for not being able to know everything about herself. I would never want that. EVER.

Answer 3

I agree with you 100%.  Start telling them, at an age appropriate level, as soon as they are able to understand.  Don't beat them over the head with it but be upfront and open about both how much they are loved and the circumstances that brought you all together.  

My oldest daughter (15) has known all along and my youngest (4 months) will know as she grows up as well.  Mind you, both my daughters are a different race then my wife and I so it's not as though we could have hidden anything if we wanted to.

I always remember the problems my grandmother had.  She grew up in a very loving family and didn't learn till she was 68 years old that she was adopted.  She only found out when she had to apply for her Scottish birth certificate in order to get a passport to travel when she retired.  She never had it before then and never needed it since when she immigrated it was not required.  

She was not only upset that nobody had told her she was adopted but she was also very upset that so much time had gone on and she was not able to learn anything more from anyone as they had all passed away by that time.  The woman who was actually her birth mother was the daughter in the household where my grandmother worked as a servant in Scotland.  The girl got pregnant out of wedlock, the maid "adopted" the baby (my grandmother) and as she got older she ended up working in her own birth mother/birth grandparents home.  

No good can ever come from lying about it, either by act or omission.

Answer 4

Before and after I adopted, I have asked several friends, and a relative, how they felt about being adopted.  Further, I asked when they found out about adoption.  The ones who don't remember not knowing seem to be the best adjusted, including my brother in law, who is 48 and was placed as an infant.  He did find his first mom, my mother in law, and he and "J" have been talking on the phone all week.  He told me that he always knew, and felt so blessed, and by meeting a family open to him, he just expanded the people who love him.  I hope my son feels the same way, and I'm planning on raising him that way, as well as I have a scrapbook with the people who loved him first, his first parents, both at birth, before, and now.

Answer 5

I would have to agree that the child should know, but in the end she must do what she feels is best for her child. It may come back to bite her on the bum, but she'll have to deal with it.

Answer 6

I agree with you. I think it is in the childrens best interest to tell them as soon as possible and deal with it. Later in life the child would have feelings of their whole life being a lie. I am glad you feel this strongly about that subject, don't let anyone change your mind!

Answer 7

My boss has 2 adopted children he fears one day they will be mad they are not being raised by their biological parents, if he could go back it woul of been kept a secret.

My oponion is that if the child lookd close to or similliar to one of the new parents, do not tell. A white couple with an asian child come on it is obvious to know just by looking just b/c of the different physical appearances.

Answer 8

Just because one parent is white and the child is asian DOES NOT MEAN that child is adopted. My husband is Korean and I'm white. Our daughter looks more Korean. People assume I adopted her when my husband is at work. NOT THE CASE. Anyway... we are thinking of adopting. And we aren't going to tell. We are planning on adopting from an Asian country. We feel its better that way.

Answer 9

Why would anyone want to hide a child's history from them? Often a-parents justify it by saying its in the best interest of the child but often its for their own interests or insecurities. Most adoptees I know have always felt there was something different about them growing up. Its best to raise the child knowing and accepting that they were adopted than to spring it on them when they were lets say ...23. It would confuse the heck out of anyone.

Answer 10

I agree with you. I have a cousin who was adopted and growing up he thought he was more special because they picked him. Of course they are going to go through wondering why they're parents didn't keep them, possibly wanting to meet the biological parents, and sometimes even feeling like you don't love them like you would a biological baby. I think it's important not to lie to them. They don't need to know before they can even understand it, but you will be able to tell when that is. Always make them feel loved and they'll be fine with it.

Answer 11

My children knew, when they were old enough to understand that they were adopted. I did not get into the details of their adoption, until they were older. When questions would arise that I did not have the answer to, it opened the door for them to ask questions and for me to answer to the best of my ability.

Answer 12

does she really think kids are that stupid?\???

Answer 13

I have two adopted children, one is 9 she came to us at 3 1/2, and one is 3 he came to us just a month ago. They both know they are adopted, and have access to age appropriate information on their histories and birth families.  There is so much research out there showing the detrimental affects of keeping something so huge as from them that I truly cannot comprehend the ignorance of people who still beleive in keeping it a secret.  It is so so so important that our children know their roots, where they came from, what experiences they have and most of all that they were and are and always will be loved.  Also, from a medical standpoint it is important for your child as they get older to know their medical history.  I say to those who say "don't tell" do your research, and lets make choices that are best for our children, not ones that are based in a selfish need to be the "only" parents of this child.

Answer 14

Of course it is better to tell the child in question as soon as he/she understands what it means.My brother and I were told at a very early age and it was just accepted but a cousin of mine was not told and when she found out it hit her very hard as she had grown up with us and adoption was not considered out of the norm.It was quite traumatic for her as her adoptive parents had a son who was younger than her and she had always felt as if they favoured him without knowing the reason why.Please anyone who reads this don't get me wrong as adoptive children are just as much a part of the larger family as natural children it is just that she didn't feel this way.

Answer 15

I could NEVER withhold that info from my kids if they were adopted. They have a right to know who their biological parents are. Also, I think adopted kids are lucky because they're loved so much that somebody actually picks them out =) That must be a very special bond.

Answer 16

I'm glad I always knew I was adopted.  I cannot imagine how angry and bitter I would be if I found out about it as an adult.  Discovering the people I loved the most had lied to me my whole life about something so important would probably render me unable to trust anyone ever again.

Your friend is wrong, and you are right.  Period.

Answer 17

Decades ago, it was thought that children shouldn't be told or they shouldn't be told until they were "old enough to understand."  That meant the poor kids were told when they were entering adolescence which is about the worst possible time you could pick.

As a social worker, I can tell you that a zillion studies have shown that adoptees do best when they are told very, very young so that there is no big surprise popped on them when they're older.  The very best scenario is when children have no clear recollection of being told when they were adopted--they just have always known.  

I have a daughter I adopted at 8 months and I started giving her snippets of adoption talk as soon as she could begin talking.  How detailed the information is (about the birth mother and the biological father and so on), changes as the child gets older.  A great book is "Talking to Your Young Child about Adoption."  Can't think of the author just now.  What the book does is give tips on how to talk to adopted children at age 2, 5, 7, etc., so that the information is age appropriate.

Didn't mean to go on so long.

EDIT:  SMM:  Your answer was articulate, fantastic, & fabulous.  Absolutely best answer.

Answer 18

i would tell them as early as possible...makes it alot easier for the child. my aunt has adopted 2 girls and is open to talk about anything with them concerning their adoption.  my father on the other hand, was not told he was adopted till he found out that his gf at 18 happen to be his biological sister.  always tell them how you became to be their parent.

Answer 19

I believe in being as open as possible. My adopted son is almost 4 and we have been telling him his whole life that he is adopted. I think he is just now starting to grasp any clue what it means but I think honesty is the best answer.  We see his birth mother as much as we can and have great communication with her.  I believe adopted children/adults get so angry because they have been lied to and have never had the chance to understand why their parents gave them up.

Answer 20

Family secrets are toxic and they never stay secret; and your friend can guarantee that the adoptee WILL be angry when (not if) they uncover the secret.

Adoptees who discover that their parents have not told them about their adoption may feel their parents can't be trusted about other important stuff.  

Not telling tells the adoptee that adoptive status is bad concluding that there must be something bad about him/her as well.

I'm surprised that anyone thinks that secrecy in adoption is a healthy thing in this day and age.  [enormous sigh]

Answer 21

i'm adopted, and honestly every time people hear that i get "wow, you're so normal.  not to say that you shouldn't be, but most of the adopted people i know have all these issues" to paraphrase.  and i'm 100% sure it's because my mom told me i was adopted, it was never a secret.  she made sure i knew i was loved and i felt special because she CHOSE me.  i would never, EVER keep that a secret from a person, it would cause irreparable harm for person to find this out as an adult because (a) their entire sense of self will be set off balance, their history, ancestry, etc and (b) because that suggest their adoption was some sort of dirty secret that needed to be hidden, and who wants to feel that way.  i agree with you 100%

Answer 22

iv known i was adopted scince i can remember, and i am happy they told me because it makes me feel good that my parents blood do not run throuh my veins... i know that sounds harsh, i was adopted when i was a year old, after going through about 7 foster homes! from which i developed an attachment disorder... i was also adopted after my biological sister was, the got me when the found out she had a sister, i was adopted out of pity because my whole life i was treated like a piece of **** by my parents, my father was worse because he said i was adoped too late and that i would never be a TRUE part of the family, and my mother just followed after him, while my newborn sister was ADORED by them... im thankful i have my real sister, but i wish that i could have gotten a more loving family... but anyways,... you are right... it is best the children know!

By the way... Not all children who are adopted feel 'special because they were picked,' i definately dont, i figure i would have turned out the same had i been raised by my dopehead and alcoholic biological mother...

Answer 23

Oh gosh, never ever keep it a secret. Please! I have friends who have found out later on in life that their aunt was really their mum (two different friends), and another who discovered he was adopted only when he applied for a passport at 17... and all with awful emotional consequences.

I and my elder brother have never known we were NOT adopted, it's always been acknowledged, right from the word go.  We were both adopted as babies, and one of the earliest books I can remember being read was about a family called the Fairweathers who felt something was missing in their lives and adopted a boy and then a girl - so it all seemed totally normal.  It was more wierd to discover that not everyone was deliberately 'chosen'!!

Answer 24

Parents need to be honest with their children 100% of the time. Why? Because if they aren't honest, then why should they expect their kids to be honest about it?

And it WILL come out eventually, somehow or another. Someone nosy will notice that the kid doesn't look much like their parents (or other siblings, if this is the case) and ask if they are adopted, and when enough of these nosies ask, then the kid will wonder. There's a whole host of different ways that it can happen.

One really bad story of this happened in my school in Biology lab. Everyone used to prick their finger and take the blood drops to run a test to find out what their blood type was. Then, they had to ask their parents what their blood types were, and then draw it up on a Punnett Square and figure out where they landed. Well, one girl brought in her parents blood types in, found out what her's was, and then the instructor looked at it and told her she must have done something wrong, because there was no possible way she could have the blood type she had if her parents had the blood types they claimed they had. The girl confronted her parents, and at that point her mother broke down and started crying, and the truth came out that she had been adopted. Imagine the hurt and mistrust that would have ensued! It really isn't worth it.

p.s. It is for that reason that my high school stopped testing student's blood types in school... the experiment was dropped from the curriculum.

Answer 25

You are right.

Secrecy in adoption is disrespectful and damaging to everyone involved.

The truth might hurt but lies and secrecy can destroy.

Answer 26

I agree with you.  After all, the truth will come out one day, and then there will be HUGE issues with trust!!  Honesty is the best policy.

Answer 27

Hi Peaness,

Not.

I can only imagine the devastation.  The truth always comes out.  Why not just be honest about it.  

You are right.

Answer 28

I only have an opinion - not personal experience, so that's my disclaimer.

I've read enough of stories about people who found out they were adopted after the fact: whether its because of a medical issue, or a drunk uncle with a big mouth-the betrayal is huge.

I honestly think that a child should be told as early in life as possible, and in a way that lets them know how incredibly special and wanted they are. If there is any question on how to do this, consult a psychologist or expert on the topic.

The worst thing to do it try to keep it secret. Remember: A secret isn't a secret if more than one person knows about it.