To adopt tee Is there anything your adoptive parents/foster parents could of done to make your life easier?

Question

As a perspective adoptive parent i would like to know how to minimize the pain and separation of being adopted. My wife and i are adopting from foster care so continued contact with birth parents my not be possible depending on the degree of abuse/neglect. However in my state we are encouraged to continue contact with the family as a hole it just has to be supervised. Anything else your adoptive parents could of done ,say or did do and say to make being adopted easier.

I really want to make this work and i am asking for your assistance.

Answer 1

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and the three of us never seemed to have abandonment issues or anything- I know some do.  My son who is 19 is actually visiting his birth family right now- and I think if they chose to do that , it is ok.  Just love your child. That is really all children need- and if she/he seems to be having issues with adoption- then seek some help-

Answer 2

Thank you for caring, you already show signs of making a great adoptive parent by putting the needs of the child first.

Firstly, there are many people who say that their children have 'no issues with adoption'  and I would like to counter that by saying that sometimes the issues are not apparent and are not expressed, the adoptee often times has the feelings but not the words to express them and the 'issues' (for want of a better word) often take place quietly, in moments of self-reflection and are not apparent to the adoptive parents.

My own adoptive mother thought I had 'no issues with adoption' for this reason.  She was sadly mistaken.

What could they have done?  My parents could not have done much more than they did, given how adoption was practised 'back in those days'.  Had they adopted now I think they would have been alot more informed and I think that honesty and openness must be first and foremost.   A lifebook with pictures with all the details of the adoptees pre-adopted life will go a long way to help with the family fantasies and genetic bewilderment alot of adoptees struggle with.  There is nothing worse than growing up in the 'dark' with your many questions remaining unanswered.

Also reassure your child that what has happened is NOT their fault.  Many many adoptees have expressed self-blame (much the same as a child blames themselves when their parents get a divorce kwim?)  this is heartbreaking and when you grow up believing it was somehow your fault or that you were somehow defective, it is a very difficult belief to throw off.  Make sure those kids know that none of it was their fault.  

For these reasons I disagree with the statement 'just love them'  LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH  Adoptive parenting is 'parenting plus'



I could go on but I need to kiss my sweet babies goodnight.  

Take care and thank you for asking for adoptees' perspectives for the sake of our littlest counterparts, who we all care about so much

Answer 3

Mine is a short "what not to do" list.  It doesn't sound like you're the type of people who would do any of the things I'm about to list, but I'm going to put them out there anyway  just for people who may not be aware that these things have been known to occur in adoptions, but haven't proved to be good ideas.

1. Never expect gratitude from an adopted child any different than you would your biological child.  What I mean is, that sometimes adoptive parents have stated that their children aren't grateful to them for adopting them.  Such phrases as, "Before we got you, you had nothing!" do not work to further your relationship.

2. Try to avoid the old line, "We picked you out special." Adopted children do figure out that their parents didn't walk into an orphanage, check out tons of children, get to know each of them a little, and then decide that he or she was "the one."

3. Don't speak poorly of your child's natural parents.  This reflects back onto the child, and can negatively affect his or her self-esteem.

4. Don't keep any secrets, even if you feel a little threatened by your child having certain pieces of information he or she wants.  Keeping the secrets will be far more devastating on your relationship than the truth.

5. If your child doesn't have a continued relationship with his/her natural parents throughout his/her childhood, do not dissuade him/her from reunion in adulthood.  It is not unnatural to want to know or to connect with the people of one's origin.  This in no way is indicative of anything regarding your relationship with your child or his/her love for you.  It is not about choosing parents.

Answer 4

i had almost perfect parents. i tell people i was raised by ward and june cleaver. they truly arent far off.

the only thing i could have ever asked for was a little more understanding and emotional support.

i have a very different personality than my adoptive family. they simply thought i was a little nuts. i was loud, outspoken, wild and outlandish. they are very quiet and reserved people.

we were just on different levels. they tried, they really did, but they just couldnt understand me. i cant blame them for that. it was the total opposite of what either of them had any experience with.

other than that i couldnt ask for anything better.

Answer 5

if its very young than no. if the bogger is older like 6 on up. u need a lot of help. by this age most kids will already developed bad habits and its hard to break. they might already be thiefs, bully, etc...

Answer 6

my adoptive parents could have treated me the same as my brother, who is their bio child.

Answer 7

I was adopted at 18 months and have wonderful parents.  The only advice I can think of to give you is to treat your adoptive child exactly like a biological and be honest with him/her when he/she has questions about biological parents and why he/she was adopted.  Also, I don't know how old your new child is but if they are too young to know what is going on, let them know they are adopted as soon as they can understand.  I don't remember being told I was adopted, it was just something I always knew.  There are lots of good books out there that can help explain.  I also always felt special because I was "chosen" rather than just there like my brother and sister.

Answer 8

bless you R, all I can give you is my point of view from when i was a child it's painful to be seperated from your parent my case my mum i felt very lost, frighten and worried i hadn't no idea what i had done wrong to warrant this but my foster parents were very relaxed and were just there for me in a very positive and good way and that's all i feel you can do nothing can totally take the pain away of the seperation for a child so just be there R with you arms and heart wide open to catch and embrace and i know you will bx