To adopted children here on Y/A?

Question

How do you feel about being adopted now that you are a grown-up/teenager?

Answer 1

well i grew up knowing i was adopted and since i am an adult and i know i also know that my adopted parents were related to me. its ok with me they saved me from a terrible life and i know it. that is great with me. i was very lucky compared to my siblings that had stayed with my real parents and family they are fine in ways but heck one was into drugs and other one is massive depressive even now. so see i am the lucky one. take care.

Answer 2

I don't really have a lot of issues with it.  I was adopted at 3 days old so I've never felt like it was a "traumatic loss" or that I was "ripped away from my real family."  My parents were always open about it and told me they would support me if I ever wanted to search.  They have some information and a letter from my b-mom but I've never asked to read it.  Of course, there are times when I wonder about the details that led to my adoption but for the most part, I'm content to let it be in the past and to not dig things up.

The only question I've never been comfortable with is "what are you?"  (Meaning: what is your ethnic background.)  I'm blonde and blue eyed so I usually make up something ridiculous like "I'm 1/8 Swedish, 1/8 Chilean, 1/2 Korean, 2/3 black, and 1/5 Pakistani."  I've always thought that question was kind of rude----regardless of adopted or not.

I have two adopted cousins as well.  They had different experiences.  One had a lot of abandonment issues and did go searching for her birth mom.  She got close and had all contact refused which just broke her heart all over again.  

The other cousin was randomly contacted by b-mom after 30+ years.  They had a couple of visits but have not maintained a relationship.

With three adopted kids in the extended family, it seemed normal to us.  None of us were introduced as "our adopted daughter" and it was never a big deal.  I HATE it when the press continually refers to Nicole Kidman's kids as "her adopted children."  It's time to drop the "adopted" tag....they are a family.  

I don't look anything like my sister so people often joke "which one of you is adopted?" when we are introduced.  I have no problems identifying myself as the adopted one.  (My mom got pregnant after I was adopted---I guess the pressure was off)   Most people turn red and become uncomfortable because they don't know if they just hit a sore subject or not.

On big birthdays, there is always a thought in the back of my mind wondering if someone I've never met is thinking of me and missing me.  However, my curiosity is not strong enough to do any searching.  I think the fear of finding something I didn't want to know or being rejected the way my cousin was outweighs the curiosity.  I choose to view the adoption as a gift instead of a loss.  I gained a wonderful family and have had a good life.  There's no reason to look back for me.

Answer 3

First of all....we are not "adopted  children" anymore and I would hope that one could refrain from using this term when addressing adults and teenagers.  Adoptees are not eternal children.

But on to the question...

I have mixed feelings about being adopted.  I wish I knew the truth to my story.  I wish I knew more about my past.  But not knowing...I have nothing to compare.  I don't know if my life now is better or worse than it would have been if I hadn't been adopted.  So I live.  I live with being adopted.  I live with always being different.  I live without knowing.

Answer 4

This is a much better question than your last one, and much more relevant.  It seems like everyone on here is so concerned about how much it's going to cost them to basically buy a baby, they aren't really thinking about the actual baby, and that us adoptees are human beings with feelings.  I don't run around looking for people to judge, but as an adoptee it's very irritating.

To answer this question, being adopted sucks.  I've always felt like I didn't really have a family, very isolated, unwanted and like I didn't belong.  

Having been taken from my birth mother, just so another couple who already had two sons could have a girl, makes me angry.  My birth mother was young and unwed, and her parents forced her to give me away (her parents confirm this, btw).  So I was "bought" by my aparents to fulfill their needs and no one cared how I might feel about it.  

Maybe this will help you and others to understand where some adoptees are coming from and why I consider questions like your previous one to be in poor taste and insensitive.

Hmmm.....I don't think this answer is all that hostel, and my "reality"  is the reality for a lot of adoptees, just look and the answer above me by PhilM.  If you're thinking about adopting or to those of you who are...the way we feel, could very likely be the "reality" of your adopted child, too.  

You can ask whatever you want, but you can't control the answers you get.  If you don't like the answers, maybe you should stop asking the questions.  I have as much right to post my personal experience as anyone else, and I refuse to apologize for it.

I'm so sick of people telling adoptees to keep their feelings to themselves because it's not in line with what you want to hear.  I assumed when I saw this question, that you actually cared about learning more about what it's like to be adopted....guess I was wrong.

Answer 5

I don't think there are any children here, are there?  I didn't think children were allowed to post on Y/A

Answer 6

I've come to terms with it, any issues I ever had with my adoption were dealt with carefully and thoroughly by my parents while growing up, and beyond.

I'm slightly different to some of my family members, but so are some of my family who are genetically related.

In my family, EVERYONE was an individual, differences were appreciated and recognised, we were all unique, but we were all still family.

I've known my birth mom since I was 22, it was actually my mother who suggested that I search for her, and she did quite a lot of the 'legwork' herself to help me.

I'm glad I did it, so that I have a complete picture of who I am, but to be honest with you, I've never really been an adopted person.  I'm mostly just a person, and adoption has featured as a big direction of my life.

When I look back over my life, I couldn't imagine it any other way.  It wasn't perfect, by any means, but it was my life and if anything had been different I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I'm not saying adoption is the greatest, it's not, especially not for everybody.  In my situation, it was what had to be, and as I said I've always been happy.  But that probably comes down to the honesty that I've always experienced.

Answer 7

I have never been comfortable with being adopted.  I always felt out of place.  My adoptive family is very loving, and I'm glad to have them, but I always feel like the odd man out.  It's not really anything they have done, so much as I don't share a lot of interests with them.  I know that is sometimes true for nonadoptees, but it's always stuck with me.

But I'm also too old to feel completely at ease in my natural family.  I barely know them.  I know I have a lot in common with them, and I have a strong bond with my natural mother, but I still feel a little awkward with them, too.

I feel like a person without a place where I belong.  It's how I've felt my entire life.  So I suppose it isn't much different now.  Adoption complicates my life.  I won't say that it's the worse thing that's ever happened to me, but it colors so much of my thinking.  It's hard to feel warm and fuzzy about something that has led to so much isolation for me.

Answer 8

I'm grateful for the loving home that my adoptive parents provided me. They have always been open and honest about my adoption. They have always let me talk about my birth family. They have always supported me in getting in contact with my mother. So, i have to say that i had a good experince. I still deal with issues surrounding my adoption, especially answers of why my mom gave me up, but kept my younger two siblings. But i have to say that in reading some of these answers from some users. my adopted parents are wonderful and i shouldn't take them for granted, because there are some adoptive parents like natural parents that are abusive to their kids.

Answer 9

I am really thankful that in the situation my birth parents were in they made the decision to put me up for adoption. I got a wonderful couple that gave me a great life and loved me very much. I never look back and wonder what if....

Answer 10

I'm actually a teen in the system going to be adopted in about a month and its hard but I'm soooooooo grateful I'm not where i was 2 years ago and have a comforting home with a family i love that loves me back!

Answer 11

Honestly it depends on the day. Some days I feel it was the best choice, some days I wish I had been aborted instead. My own issues with my adoption have brought not only pain for myself but pain for everyone in my life. I've had trouble bonding with my own children, in my twisted eyes a Mother gives birth and then someone else raises the child. I never felt I was good enough to be a Mother. I have had many issues in relationships and usually sabotage them without even knowing I am doing it. I am at times too loving and at others too distant, usually loving to those who don't love me back and distant to those who do love me. I have loads of anger at my families, adopted and natural. Holding in my emotions often causes me to appear totally insane when they do finally burst through. I don't trust anyone and often refuse to ask for help, I just don't feel worthy of it. I deny myself the basic neccesities of life because I feel that everyone else is more deserving than I am. I've developed a severe eating disorder due to these feelings.

On the positive side I have more relatives than I know what to do with and am very loved by both my natural and adoptive families. My children have heaps of extended relatives and since my reunion there is always someone wanting to meet me. I had a fairly good childhood and was provided with the better things in life.

Honestly though, most days I wish I could wake up normal and not have so much on my plate emotionally.

Answer 12

ok, i am a parent who had her daughter adopted. she was adopted at 15 days old.  when she was born i had not had money for about 3 months. i already had a 4 year old son at the time. i don't regret it! her parents are amazing and have since adopted another lil girl. they are able to expose her to a life that i can only dream about for my son. and i sometimes feel like i should have let them adopt him too. the only way i would go thru with her being adopted was if it was an open adoption. i wanted to make sure that she understood that i did it for her own future. not because i didn't want her. she knows that i am her birth mother. that she grew in my belly. that she has mommy #1 and mommy #2. that my older son is her brother. my son also considers her new lil sister to be his sister too. her parents and i work as a team to insure (as much as possible) that she will be a happy well-loved adult. we have taken courses and even tho my daughter is 4 now we still work closely with the adoption agency.

so considering all of these factors and all our efforts am i reading correctly that it may not matter? that she may still feel unloved?

ps: yes her father is not in her life. i fought with him for 4 years to be a part of it. her parents wanted him to be. the best i could give her was a few pics of him. i have just recently given up on him.

Answer 13

I had some issues with it when I was younger, like if she did not want me why do they, those types of things.  But , my adoptive parents were always VERY supportive of me and my brother, who is not bioligically related to me but is and always will be my brother.  Now that I am older and yes, I have had the chance to meet my birth parents, I am able to understand better.  When my friends ask me what it is like to be adopted, I tell them, What is it like to be born? I was raised with my parents and came to understand the real meanig of "Parent" which is not the people who simply just made you, but the people that love you and raised you to be the person who you are today.

Answer 14

Well, it's better because I'm no longer playing the part of the 'as if' child in my adoptive home.  And I'm not under my amom's control.

I found my nfamily at 23, and while like Phil, I have a lot in common with them, I didn't grow up around them.  Other than my mother, I'm sort of treated politely, but like I'm from another clan.  Adoptees often feel like they're neither here nor there...

And there are too many examples to cite here, but adoption isn't something you 'get over' or one day turn into a 'real' person like everyone else.

Just like many adopted kids my teen years were filled with drugs and alcohol, and living off track.  I contribute it to being adopted.  Yes, there are other kids who lived like that to--but you can almost always tie it to something...dead or gone dad, divorced/step families, addiction in the family, etc.

Anyway I survived...

Answer 15

Adoption is not good.