To adoptees...?

Question

does it p**s anybody off other than me to get on here and listen to peoples check lists of what they are looking for in a child? i want a girl, i want a boy, i want a kid with brown hair and blue eyes, does anybody think that they should just get what they get just like us? does anyone but me feel like we don't get to choose so why should they? I just feel so cheap litening to people talk about adopting kids as if they were shopping for choths. does anyone else feel like that?

Answer 1

Yep - it REALLY pisses me off.

GREAT question.

Answer 2

well i was adopted and my adoption story is a very long weird one, and when my mom tells it she always says "her" so that kinda bothers me because i do have a name. and i mean we didn't get to pick the parents so why should they get to pick the child??

Answer 3

i have never felt that way. i just laugh at how dumb they are if they really think that they are going to be able to "hand pick" a baby.

Answer 4

It boils down to a shopping list for children and treating them as a commodity. What happens if perfect baby get an illness/injury makes them less perfect? Do they get given back? Quote from my amom "its too late to give you back"

Answer 5

the law (at least in my state) prohibits b-parents from selecting or not selecting a-parents based on race, yet a-parents are given a check list of hundres of characteristics to chose from. How's that fair or right? When (actually before)my son was I knew I would accept him NO MATTER WHAT! My son may have a flawed body, but that's just the what houses his soul. He's perfect!!!

Answer 6

It used to REALLY bother me. Now I just kinda shrug at it, so typical  you know what I mean? Its one of the first things that got me to investigate more into the adoption industry. This was back when I thought it was so..."wunnerful" all candy and roses, such a win win situation.

Then I learned about other countries laws, and regulations. About how much money the adoption industry grosses each year... pfffft. add some books into that, experiences of other adoptees and it all suddenly starts making alot of sense.

The United States is selling children and getting away with it. Adoption has almost become a baby farm, its horribly sad. I will say though that even the adoptive parents, are getting coerced these days which is something I'm only just beginning to see.

They are sold this idea, that its okay to do it. They are sold the approach to it, given the options, and opportunities to be a part of something many have tried to do for their entire lives...."have a child, they can call their own."

Ethical of them to take it? not usually, but when its presented to them, in the way tha t it is, its almost an unpassable opportunity for almost anyone.

A homeless, helpless child in need of a home, a $10000 tax credit ( a return of some of the money you invest ) to help your adoption fee's, you can re-name it, have you name on the birth certificate, there are so many to choose from these days you can choose race, s*x, age preference.

Marketing has really done well. The pro-adoption propoganda for the industry is a good team and worth their money, however much of the 2.3 billion annually they make.

The public has fallen for the presented approach into adoption hook line and sinker. Applaud yourself from being able to deny the deceiving first impression of adoption. Few and far between these days are able to question it and find the truth. But slowly and surely more and more are awakening up to its reality, and that is what it takes to change the system for the better.

peace

Answer 7

About her natural children, Dory said "I just figured no matter what they would be perfect in my eyes."

And this is one of many problems with adoption.  Picking and choosing the type of child re looks, s*x, nationality, etc. absolutely negates the possibility that any child would be perfect in their eyes.  I deeply feel for the children these types of people adopt.

Children are not custom handbags or slingbacks or sports cars.

Worse, to custom order a child that looks like the adoptive parents will only serve to deny the very real differences the children will experience in a stranger family, as well as serve to keep adoptive parents in denial that the child is not 'their own,' but already has a mother and a family.

Yes, it absolutely commodifies children, Gershom.  One wonders why adoption agencies and lawyers don't weed such people out.

Answer 8

Yes.  It really pisses me off.

Children are people, not things to be bought and sold.

This is not the baby store and people should not get to pick and choose what they want.

Adoption is supposed to be finding the right home for a child not finding the perfect accessory for a want to be parent.  It's disgusting.

I have two children and I never once hoped they would have any particular physical trait.  And I didn't care what gender they were.  Some things we don't get to choose.

Answer 9

Yep. It is one of the reasons I feel like a commodity. It boggles my mind that other people don't see that connection.  In regards to the first poster - I have two young children and I never had a checklist. I didn't care what s*x they were or what eye color or anything. I hoped they would be healthy but I opted for forgo any of the in utero testing to find out - I just figured no matter what they would be perfect in my eyes.

Answer 10

I'm not an adoptee but I hate this practice, too. It made me FEEL like I was carrying a commodity, not a precious human being, when I was pregnant and reading profiles of potential adoptive parents. It made me so incredibly mad--I mean I loved my daughter ALREADY with all my heart, and thought she was perfect even in utero (WITHOUT even knowing yet she was a girl, let alone anything else about her)... and would have given my left arm to raise her... and yet here were these people daring to say, in essence, "We're not that interested in your kid because of x,y,z reason"?????????? I just thought it was awful.

And Fl-girl, you're incorrect, there are no laws in any states preventing biological parents from choosing adoptive parents on the basis of race. The biological parents are the PARENTS of the children at birth, and they have every right to decide who they are going to entrust their child's care to, for ANY reason. There ARE laws preventing social workers from considering adoptive parents' races when placing a child from foster care, but that's a completely different matter, as the social workers aren't the parents of the children and the parents have had their rights terminated due to unfitness. For heaven's sake, PLEASE don't give incorrect information out.

Answer 11

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm not sure what the first responder was talking about, I mean, sure, when you're pregnant you can certainly know what you want to have, but in pregnancies there are certainly no guarantees that you'll GET what you want.

There are no guarantees that you'll get that girl, that she won't have birth defects, that she'll have that pretty blonde hair or green eyes that you WANT her to have.  

But in adoption?  The AP's can select the so-called "birth" parents based on physical characteristics.  They can accept or turn down a child with birth defects. They can pick and choose the s*x of their child.  There are a lot of factors they can "control" where in pregnancy, there is nothing you can control.

And don't even get me started on this entirely new realm of embryo adoption, how long will it be before people are custom ordering embryos to fit specific characteristics?  It's a scary thing.  Very scary.  I feel very sorry for the potential children that could be created in this manner.

So, yeah, I have to agree with you wholeheartedly.

Oh, and I also totally agree with Gershom, she knows her stuff.