To adoptees....?

Question

i have 3 adopted children 9,10 & 11 we adopted them through foster care when they were 5,6 & 7 so they know they are adopted. They were in foster care since they were 1,2 & 3 and moved around alot, sadly b/c of behavior issues.

When we first adopted them we explained that their b-parents loved them but just werent able to care for them so God sent them to us b/c we were able and looking for some awesome kids to love and care for.

Having this part of their story worked great for them when they were younger and they proudly tell anyone who will listen how they got their mom and dad.

But of course that is not the whole story. The whole story is really terrible. There was a drug lab, filth, neglect and abandonment.

How much would you recommend I share with them at this age? I want to be honest but what good can come from telling them about the awful things their b-parents did when they cant remember?

We have discussed that drugs played a part but not any details.

Answer 1

wait for the questions to come. they will. sooner or later they will wonder and begin picking your brain for information.  then start small. "honey, your bio parents got themselves into some problems and instead of allow you to suffer with them, they let you come to us so we could take care of you. they loved you, but sometimes when you have children love isnt enough. you need more. they werent able to provide it for you so you became part of our family"

that will probably satisfy them for a while, until they are a little older. when more questions come, tell a little more. "sometimes people get wrapped up into drugs. they take over a persons life, and no matter how much they want to they just cant get free of the hold the drugs have on them. it doesnt mean they are bad people, they just lost their way for a while. lucky for all of us they saw the problems they had and chose to keep you safe from those problems."

just keep adding more and more. sooner or later they will be old enough to fully understand the whole story. dont put so much pressure on yourself to be open and honest. at those ages so much 'honesty' will blow right by them.

kudos to you for wanting to be so helpful and honest. you are a great mom.

Answer 2

Being honest doesn't mean you have to dump every little detail on them.  If they ask questions, answer those questions honestly.  It's imortant to encourage them to ask questions and *show* them (not just tell them) that it's okay to ask questions, but at the same time, you don't need to volunteer every little detail at this age.  

They are still quite young, so it is probably a good idea to gloss over the details somewhat for now.  As they grow older, you can share more details based on what you think they can handle.  My parents never knew much about my birth family, but during my search, as I learned more about my birth mother, I clearly saw how devastating some of the information I learned about her would have been if I'd learned that information when I was still young.  

It's also important to share any positive details you do know about their first family, even if you have to dig deep to find them.  As they start dealing with normal identity issues that all adolescents face, they'll be confused about what traits they may have inherited from their first family and if you only tell them the negative details, that can affect their sense of identitiy negatively at all.

Answer 3

My cousin was adopted at 6 months. He was so severely malnourished that he weighed only 10lbs and was covered in cigarette burns (his face included). He was not told of this until he was an adult and honestly even then it was very difficult for him to overcome that is why it is not something we like to talk about, it was nightmarish for all involved. No matter what you decide remember that it is something he will always remember and may even haunt him. Abandonment is hard enough to get over and deal with but knowing that your parents actually hurt you on purpose is a while other deal.

Answer 4

Heather,

I would wait until they are alot older to tell them the whole story of their parents. Considering from what you have just written, they are too young to fully comprehend what their parents did. So, far what you have told them is good, sounds like you are trying to be upfront with them. Which is a good thing, because down the rode when you tell them the complete story, it won't be as hard.

"Please note that the above are my opinions and feelings and not those of anyone else's"

Answer 5

I think Way to young to tell them all that! I'd wait til they were 16 to tell them that kind of stuff. My parents (adoptive)always told me that I was always extra special then a birth child because they CHOSE me, that might work.

Answer 6

My opinion is that they are still way too young to deal with horrific details.  I would mention the generalities:  drugs, safety/health issues, immaturity, lack of parenting skills, etc. until they are ADULTS.  Whatever you tell one, be assured that it will definitely be communicated to the others.  So the youngest should be an adult before you start offering details.

Answer 7

Give them info on a need to know and age appropriate basis.  Give only the info they ask for and try to with hold judgement in your answers.

It must be difficult knowing how much to tell and when.  Just let them take the lead in this one.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I would not tell them anymore than that their parents had drug problems.  wait until they are college age or so before you tell them more. Then, don't tell them details. What do the details matter? They don't.  Also realize, they might want to meet their birth parents at some point in time. do not take it personal. it is normal to want to know where you came from.

Answer 9

Tell them the truth when they're older and can cope with the information.  You're well meaning but misguided about adoptees though. An adoptee forever feels pangs of abandonment and not truly belonging in the family. It has nothing to do with the amount of love and affection you'll heap on them, they will still feel the adoptee lonliness. My husband was adopted as an infant. His birth mother was a drug addicted 16 year old and unable to take care of a baby. He has always felt out of place and incomplete as if he doesn't belong in his own skin. His adoptive parents loved and nurtured him and always told him he was special because they chose him. But those are just cheap words when you don't look or feel like a real member of the family. Adoption hurts more than it helps sometimes so keep the sordid details to yourself and tell them only the facts when they get older and don't interject your feelings of disgust into the conversation. Remind yourself that the people you will be talking about are blood related birth parents to them. The kids may resent you speaking ill of the birth parents and transfer those feelings to read that you  hate their existence in this world because of their parents actions.

Answer 10

Sounds like a tough situation - but I think it's great that you're thinking about these things.

My thoughts - I think you'll probably have to wait for leads from the kids themselves.

What I mean - is - you'll get to certain ages when - for instance - drug education comes into play. If you have given them little snippets of info along the way - it will get to a point where they'll put things together - and want to know more. (Let them feel OK about bringing things up - and then tell them bits - age appropriately) At each step you can keep giving them little parts of their story - and that will probably get them thinking - then they'll come back with more questions - and so on - and so on.

When we grow up (adoptees and non-adopted peeps) - we all have questions that come to us at many various times in our youth. Something on TV might trigger a question - or something they've heard from school. It's those moments - when I had questions growing up (as an adoptee) - I was told that I wasn't allowed to ask questions about my own adoption or my first family - and I soon realised that I was meant to 'just shut-up' - so much of it I had to internalise - which makes it very hard to come to terms with it.

(hope I'm making sense)

I would perhaps try not to add your own feelings about the parents actions (hard - I know) but keep it factual - as much as you can. Kids need to work out how things sit for them - without being told how they should feel about things. Certainly you can talk about how many emotions come into play - I think just letting them know that it's firstly OK for them to ask questions - and secondly OK to feel whatever they want to feel about the situation at any time. (feelings also will tend to go up and down - on any given day!!)

One day - way down the track - they'll want the lot - the whole horrible tale - and you can wait until they're old enough and ready for it - you'll know when that will be.

Honesty and openness - I think - are the key. Then they'll feel good about coming to you when they want to know more - then they'll go and process for awhile - and on and on it will go.

These thoughts are just a jumble of my thoughts from my perspectives of being

1. an adoptee

2. a mother of 3 (11, 9 & 5)

3. a teacher in training of middle school kids (currently half way through my BA of Education in Middle School)

But hey - in all cases - being a mother - there's just sometimes we have to make it up as we go along. Be there for them when they fall - dust them off - love them like crazy - and set them on the life's path once more.

I wish you all the very best.