To adoptive parents & PAP's?

Question

What is the best way for an adoptee to tell their adoptive parents they're thinking of searching for a first mom/family? What can an adoptee say to parents to ease their concerns, fears, and/or insecurities (about searching)?

What would you like to know about your adoptee's desire to search? How can an adoptee help AP's see that their desire to search has NOTHING to do with their feelings of love for or loyalty to their parents?

When I see comments about an adoptee's desire to search being 'an insult to the family that took you in, raised you & loved you like their own', I really wonder if there's any way to reassure parents.

Answer 1

I didn't want my children to grow up with a lot of unanswered questions in their minds and anxiety about asking us for help. I established contact with their families as soon as I could, and we do our best to stay in touch. It's difficult, as we adopted internationally.

It's not an insult to us that our children want to know their families. If it was me, I would feel the same way. Loving their first parents doesn't take away from their love for my husband & me.  I feel like my behavior as a mother has more to do with how they feel about me than that does.

Answer 2

I think that with any big announcement that someone makes to their family, it's normal to expect some kind of initial reaction.  People say things when they are in shock that they would not normally say.  My mom, whom I love very much, said some awful things to me when as a teenager, I told her I was pregnant.  But I think that shock-reaction needs to be given a pass.  

I believe that the adoptive parents should also be allowed to express their feelings (which are just as valid as the adoptees' feelings) even if that involves expressing fear of losing their child.

Yes, the search is about the adoptees, not the adoptive parents, but if it's not "okay" for the adoptive parents to talk about their feelings and fears, doesn't that feed into the negativity?  

I also think that timing and "setting" is important when making a big announcement.  A funeral, for example, is not the best time to begin this conversation.  Your "audience" needs to be in a place where they are able and willing to hear what you have to say.  

I suppose I am speaking more to adoptive parents that wouldn't be expecting their children to search for their first families.  I think that it's becoming more and more talked about, as time goes on.  Current adoptive parents of young children as well as future adoptive parents will probably be better prepared for this than people who adopted twenty or thirty years ago.

Answer 3

Most of the "an insult to the family that took you in, etc." comments come from people who aren't APs or PAPs.

Most of the APs and PAPs I know including myself are not so insecure to realize that our (future) kids can love more than one set of parents.

The best advise I can give is to just be honest.  Don't be afraid to ask how this makes them (the APs) feel.   I also want my child to share what they feel comfortable sharing.  If they tell me that they are searching but not ready share the details that's okay too.

Answer 4

For me I want to be reassured that my child appreciated and loved me because I loved them with all my heart. I don't know why your are I would want to know that. This is an assumption here but I'm sure you are curious and want to find out the "whole" you. Like what habits you may have or looks from your birth family. Just tell them why you are searching and that you love and appreciated everything that they did for you. Just be honest.

   For me right now I have an open adoption with my son's birth family so luckily this hopefully won't come up unless they disappear.  Good luck hopefully it will all turn out the way you want it. Give time to your A parents to adjust and assimilate the information too.

Answer 5

Hmm, good question.

I'm not sure there is a best way. Ideally this would have been open from the beginning, discussed by the adoptive parents as the adoptee was growing up, with the explicit statement that the a-parents would understand and support the desire to search and would help in any way they could. If the adoptee wasn't raised this way, then I think it sends the message that the adoptive parents don't want their son or daughter to search, or don't want to talk about it. And of course the adoptee gets that message loud and clear and that can be so hard on them. That is why I think openness and honesty are required of adoptive parents. And we can't wait for our children to bring things up, either. WE have to bring them up with them proactively, or they will likely get the message that we don't want to talk about it.

So if you (or any other adoptee) are in the situation of trying to break through that barrier of years of things not discussed, then I think you are in a hard spot and I admire the attempt to keep the lines of communication open, even if it is really hard. I guess the best way would be to be honest, straightforward and loving, just as everything should have been all along.

Sometimes it can help to write everything down in a letter. That way you can say everything just right. When emotions are running high, it can sometimes be hard to say what you meant to say, and sometimes misunderstandings can happen for no good reason and that is sad. One good way to do it might be to write the letter and then deliver it in person, give them time to read it, and then talk about it. But all that would depend on the dynamics of the particular family.

In terms of what to say, I know I would like to know how my son or daughter felt in their heart and also what they thought. I would want to know their fears and secret hopes and dreams. And even though it really should go without saying, I think it is normal for an adoptive parent to feel insecure in such a situation, so it would be nice to be explicitly told that the desire to search had nothing to do with my parenting.

I wouldn't worry too terribly much about the "insult to the family that ... raised you..." comments, because I think they usually come from people that are not connected with adoption. I think most adoptive parents are a little less clueless than this. Or at least I really hope so, for their child's sake. I obviously can't say for sure, because it is not my reality, but I guess if I were adopted and really thought my adoptive parent(s) believed this, then I probably wouldn't tell them, or at least not until I was in reunion. But then I suspect I already wouldn't have been having that much contact with my a-parents, if they were that hung up on my being "grateful."

If you are asking for yourself, then I wish you the best of luck both with sharing this with your adoptive parents and with your search.

ETA:

Well, thanks for your response to our responses!

Yeah, I had thought in the back of my mind that you were already in reunion, but it is hard to keep everyone straight!

I'm curious about what you think. How did you tell them? Why do you think reunion with your first mom brought you back together with your a-parents? More you, more them, some of each?

And regarding adoptive parents who would be insulted -- oh dear!  I wish I knew how to break through their fears to their hearts, so their children won't suffer.

Answer 6

Hi Robin,

I would say the best way to tell adoptive parents would be to sit them down and just tell them how much you love them.  I would also included that this has nothing to do with any inadequacies in their parenting, that there is just this nagging feeling that won't go away.  You have to know the truth about where you came from and you would appreciate their support.

An adoptee can tell their aparents about mirror imaging.  That you would really just like to see how someone blood related would look.  If there are any similarities in personalities.  I think it always helps to put people in your shoes.  So i would say you know how you have grandma's eyes and the same laugh?  I want to see myself reflected in someone else.  Can you understand that?

I would ask your aparents for help in your search.  Ask for their support.  Remind them that you are now an adult so you don't need them to protect you.  That because i love you i want to include you in this important part of my life.  Are you strong enough to do that with me?  Can i count on your unconditional love and support thru this?  You know you are irreplaceable to me.  Can you share me with another family?  I would like to share you with them because you did such a great job raising me and you are such an important part of who i am.

That's the best i can come up with.  I think our fears as aparents are that we are replaceable.  That maybe we weren't the perfect parents for you so now you will reject us and find your real parents.  That if we had done a better job you wouldn't need to search.  We can't stand to see our children hurting.  We can't stand that there is a pain that all our love can't erase.  We wish we could hug you and make it all better.  Remind us that you aren't children anymore and that you can handle anything because of the strength and wisdom we passed on to you.

I hope i helped:)

ETA:  my children already know their first parents.  I was trying to present a gentle way of informing someone elses aparents who might not be as open.

Answer 7

Just be honest and don't feel that you are somehow betraying your parents - you aren't.  I would think that most families would be understanding of their child's needs and wants.  Follow your heart.

My son will be raised with the knowledge of when and if he is ready to find his first family, his father and I will do everything in our power to find them.

Answer 8

Robin,

Well, I wouldn't expect my daughter to have to walk on eggshells and soothe me for her to get my support.  In fact, we're attempting to keep in contact with her birthfamily so that she will have the opportunity (semi-open intenational adoption).  I guess it would hurt if my daughter really pulled away from our family, but from my understanding, at the beginning of reunion it is common for adoptees to do that somewhat at the beginning.  I will understand and support her.  I don't view the desire to search as a reflection on the adoptive parents, I just view it as natural.  For those who do take it as insult to their parenting, I don't know what an adoptee could do.  The adoptive parents just need to get over it.

Answer 9

Well, my children will not have to tell me anything accept that they are ready.  But, if my child was concerned about hurting my feelings (which I wish they would not be), I would advise them to say something like this, "Mom and Dad, you are great parents and I love you very much.  I know that you love me very much.  I know that you love me as your own, and I have always felt that love.  However, there  are some pieces of my life that are missing--like pieces of a puzzle.  I know that I will never feel that I am complete without those missing peices. "

"I know that you are concerned about what I might find when I start searching.  I don't want you to be.  Because, you see, it doesn't matter what I find, it will still be the missing pieces of the puzzle of my life, and that will make it okay.  It will never affect my love for you.  It's just something I have to do, to feel complete.  And, knowing that I have such great parents to lean on will make it easier for me if what I find turns out to be painful for me.  I also want you to know that there is a group of people who are helping me.  They are Adult Adoptees, and they are my support group.  The know me, and love me, and understand what I am going through.  They will be with me every step of my journey, and you can trust them to look out for me."

Answer 10

I took the cowards way out.  My adoptive father has passed away and my adoptive mother is in a nursing home, not knowing who I am any more.  I could not think of a way to tell them so I just waited.

Answer 11

First of all, it is not the job of the adoptee to provide reassurance to the adoptive parent.  When an AP takes on this responsibility, we know the things that we may be facing in the future and this tops the list.

The best way to tell me, is to just come out and say it.  I really hope that when the day comes, my daughter will just come out and say, "Mom, I want to search".   At which point I will tell her "let me know what I can do to help" and also let her know that her nmom did not want contact and to be prepared for that.  But I would help  her in every way possible.

While I love her dearly and hope that she has enough room in her life for both of her families should a reunion occur, I know that when it comes to this, I will have to have faith and let her go.  I don't own her and the more control I try to exert over the situation will send her running in the other direction.

Answer 12

I think that in the back of adoptive parent's head is the idea that once the child is 18 then they will be looking for their birth family.  With my situation, I just have the fear for the child.  I was a rehabilitation worker for foster children before becoming a foster/adoptive parent and I have seen how the children think it is going to be some great reunion and it was far from it.  It does seem to be hard on the adoptive parents because a lot of times they know more than you do about past situations and we wonder why our love as parents isn't enough.  One foster child that lived with us turned 18 and went back to live with her mother and her mother was on state support and basically the kid ended up getting pregnant so she could go on state support and get checks so she wouldn't have to work.  Another found her mother and sister and the situation was so bad that she doesn't even want contact anymore.  Sometimes the adoptive parents want to protect the kids just like they would want to protect their biological kids.  I wouldn't want my own children being exposed to some of these birth families but at 18, kids will do what they want to do and HAVE to make their own mistakes before they will learn.  As an adoptive parent, I would want the child to come to me and tell me that they want to find their bio family but ask me what I know about them and do I think they are safe.  I would want to be asked to go with the child when/if they decide to meet in person.  A child is always a child to the parent and parents like to feel needed and able to be their to support and protect their children.  There is a huge fear of the unknown!

Answer 13

I ASSUME my kids will want to search...they don't even need to tell me!  (Thankfully, with our potential soon-to-be-son, it won't be necessary, as his mom has always been in his life.)  I guess I kind of view it as part of my job as the AP to bring this stuff up.  Maybe not constantly, but often enough to make sure my children know I'm totally ok with whatever they need/want to talk about.  It's not my kids' job to reassure me...it's their job to be KIDS, and to work through their OWN feelings, not mine.

And that whole "an insult to the family..." c**p is just that...c**p.  I have worked with children who smeared menstrual blood on me and called me the most interesting names imaginable...and I never felt "insulted".  I'm pretty sure I can handle my children knowing their own information without feeling slighted, lol.  I honestly don't know what it would take for me to consider my kids' actions as an insult...but it sure wouldn't be searching for their own flesh and blood.

Answer 14

Hi Robin,

Things may be different today & in the future if adoptive parents honor the open agreements that they originally made with the child's family.  If not, or if the adoptee is from the BSE (baby scoop era of closed records) I believe that an adoptee's reunion is a personal & emotional relationship between him/herself and his/her natural family.  It need not involve the adoptive family at all, especially in the early stages of search & reunion, and particularly in cases where the adoptive families were not forthcoming with the adoptee's information.  Unfortunately, many adult adoptees are unable to adequately proceed independently without vital information that adoptive parents have.  It is wrong to withhold it in order to be included.   All information should automatically be made available to the adult adoptee without having to ask permission, and it should be the adoptee's perogative who to include in his/her journey.

Instead of how adoptees can reassure adoptive parents, I think we should ask what can be done to better prepare adoptive parents for the realities of adoption.  People who adopt need to accept that they are not the only family in their child's life, and they never will be.  They have many years to come to terms with what that means.  Ideally, that should be addressed in the pre-adopting counselling phases.  Adoptive parents should assume that eventually the adoptee will want to search, & they should be prepared for that day in terms of how to best help the adoptee.  Adoption is NOT the same as having biological children.  If anyone is adopting for exclusive ownership over another person, they are adopting for the wrong reasons.  It is about meeting the different needs of a child.  Adoptees have enough to deal with without being obligated to address any additional insecurities, guilt, threats, or fears that may be imposed upon them by adoptive families.  If adoptive families can be supportive and put the adoptee's needs first, then they are more likely to be included by choice.  Adoptees have a sense of who will be supportive of them and of who will be happy for them.  They know that some adoptive parents can handle the situation & some cannot.

Adoption exists to meet the needs of the ADOPTEE.  This fact needs to stay in the foreground at all times.  Adoption is not, and was never intended to fulfill the adoptive parents' needs.  They need to address those on their own, preferably before the adoptee grows up.  I believe it is not up to the adoptee to be responsible for the adoptive parents' feelings.  Those belong to the adoptive parents.  Let them own their own feelings & address their own issues.  The last thing adoptees need are comments alluding to loyalty.  The underlying sentiment there suggests the adoptee has no right to their own heritage as that was traded away in order for the adoptive family to get a child.  It is wrong to even put adoptees in that position to have to choose.  To sum it up, the adoption search simply is not about the adoptive parents at all, so if they have issues with it, it should not really be the adoptee's responsibility to resolve.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee