To all of those parents who have a disabled child.. What is the worst thing a stranger has said to you?

Question

I have a little boy (3 years old with classic autism) He's very well behaved, adorable and gorgeous, but sometimes something triggers his anxiety levels and he gets really upset which escalates. It happens rarely now, as we have got to grips and worked out most triggers. But I have to say, I've never gotten over the way I was treated when he was younger and undiagnosed. The things people say! Not what they think, that they will actually say to you!

I'm 24 but look much younger, and I heard one woman on the bus pointedly say, "You'd think they'd know how to control them, the age they're having them these days", during a difficult journey on the bus.

Another time, a strange man ruffled my sons hair without warning in a queue in Woolworths, and when my son screamed (He cant have strangers touching his head), the bloke said "Cant you shut it up"? Another time I was told in Asda that I shouldnt let him out, and a quick slap would have ended a tantrum like that in her day.

FOR GODS SAKE!

I appreciate Autism isnt a physically obvious disability, and it isnt obvious to others that he isnt the same as other kids, but my son acts out of sheer terror and fright rather than anger and I will NEVER hit him.

He's a happy and secure, very well behaved, and he cant help it if things (that maybe some other people may not even notice, terrify him)

Just curious to hear other peoples stories?

Answer 1

It's pathetic how rude some people can be.

I was out with a family friend, who has a 7-year-old with autism. We were at the park and he was happily playing on the slide. A little boy behind him shoved him and he got angry, screaming and hitting him. In this case, it was clear that he had autism to the other parent, for other reasons. She looked at us and said, 'What the heck is wrong with him, he should be kept away from other people'.

I'm sure you've heard worse and judging by what you said, you have. But this nearly reduced his Mother to tears as people can be so insensitive.

Answer 2

im dyspraxic, im 16, and beleive it or not i remember the things that people used to say to my mother when i was about 4-6, i used to have horrible tantrums as part of it (i know dyspraxia is usually only on motor skills but it affected my behaviour for a time, doctors thought i was autistic)  i remember i had a huge tantrum in a store and my mum picked my up and carried me out this elderly lady said "its disgraceful, children like that should be locked up"  my mum has never been one for the comments of others and said "its too bad cantankerous oldbusybodies cant be locked up as well" (along with some more less polite terms). lots of things have been said to me about my problem, but it rolls of my back, but a friend of mine has just been diagnosed age 13, so he's going to be in for a time.

Answer 3

well im not a mother yet... actually im just a teenager but i agree with you. people have no right to say such rude things.  

Answer 4

Please ignore the ignorance of others !

My younger brother has down syndrome, I was once told but a stranger that my mum should have had an abortion rather than to "bring that thing into the wor.......!"

I was a teenager at the time and a very protective of my brother.....so I smack her straight in the mouth before she could finish the word world!

I wouldn't advise it but I have no regrets!

Answer 5

Hun ...i have to be honest with you ...your son is only three now my angel pictured left is 10 has severe autism non verbal and still in nappies, you do encounter lots of people who simply do not understand autism and those that do not want to ..i have had many things happen and like you i was totally gutted, i remember once Thomas was having a meltdown in a shop over a toy he was screaming lying on the floor, so i did what i always have done and knelled over him holding his legs so he didn't hurt anyone or himself, i was approached by a few people who told me he needed a good hiding ! and a few saying he must be 'A bit Simple' BUT you have to let it go over you else you will be battling people who are not worth your time !

Answer 6

As im only 15 i don'thave a kid, but that doesn't just happen with disabled kids, its all of the young ones.

i was on a plane last year or the year before, and there was this little kid on the plane.. I don't normally get peeeed of with them, but this girl was really loud, etc.

she was shouting and screaming, and i heard people saying things like "i wish they'd shut her up" etc..

i think, older people just dont remember what its like to have a kid, they think... they've been there, did it so much better than you..

OR THEY'RE SNOBS.

Hope i helped.

Lolx

Answer 7

I'm not a mom, but...

My sweet little cousin (whom I love) is 7. He is autistic and bipolar and when he has outbursts, people make horrible comments. We were at a restaurant and he started screaming, and the people around us started whispering to each other "What is his problem? He needs a good smack to make him stop."

This upset my dear aunt so much, who already has to deal with her three other sons, too. She was almost in tears.

People are so disgusting sometimes. I just can't stand it. I was ready to hit those people myself!

Best wishes with your son!

:)

Answer 8

I am appalled at the things that have been said to you.  Rest assured, strangers can be rude about ALL children, not just disabled children.  Once in the grocery store the line was very very long.  My son (maybe about 9 or 10 months old) had been very well behaved the entire time we were there, but he grew restless in the line and threw something on the floor.  The man in line behind me said "If I were you I would smack the daylights out of that kid."  I snapped back, "Really, you would smack a baby just for acting like a baby? I sure hope you never had any children."  Strangers can be so rude but I don't mind setting them straight.  

Answer 9

My daughter (11)has Turner syndrome part of the condition is she's small for her age.......When she was younger i had people say "ooooooo is she a dwarf??"   ermmmmmm NO she's just a little shorter than most.......Many would also say stuff like "oh my friends son had that and he is 6ft tall now" hmmmmmmmm really how amazing since only girls have turner syndrome..

She is small but mentally she's fine and does not have behaviour problems at all i'd be asked "but she's "all there" right i mean like is she retrded".. no she's NOT retarded but you could be nicer  in the way you ask.........

When she did not grow much as a baby i had people say stuff like "well at least she does not grow out of her clothes so that saves money" hmmmmmmm yeah it's great when your 6 month old  can still fit in new born baby clothes.......i'd have loved her to have grown out of her dresses,,,,,,

Now she's 11 yr old the main comment i get is "well her clothes will be cheaper being in small sizes".........well not really because i have to shop carefully so she does not look too babyish that often costs more.finding clothes that an11 yr old likes but are sizes age  7 is a nightmare.......She's going onto secondary school soon and i had to have her sweat shirts  made specially for her as she's too small forthe on ones you buy from the school.........She has foot problems because she has lymphodema in her feet and legs so footwear costs more.I can't get them from a regular shoe shop as her feet are wide and also there is the swelling so we have to pay at least £40 per pair of shoes..then if her feet swell up she can't get her shoes on......She also has to have leather shoes all the time.

that said i'd not want to change her.....she's a lovely girl and i'm so proud of her.

oh yeah i also had 1 woman afriend of a friend say "did you not think of having her adopted?" grrrrrrrrrrr  she's not that badly disabled compaired to other children,buteven if she was she's MY baby and i'd never have given her up.......for a while when i was pregnant spina bifida or Downs syndrome was susspected,i'd not have chosen adoption if she'd had one of those.......

maybe the worst was my "know all" health visitor who went mad with me when i put my girls name down for school,she went scatty cos i put her name down for mainstream.she yelled at me and told me"face facts your baby is badly dissabled, she needs a special school and you have to face up to that"........she never bothered to find ot about Turner syndrome if she had she'd have known MOST do well in mainstream school........my daughter has just left her primary school and passed her exams at the expected level for her age, she also has areading ability of a 13/14 yr old...i refused to see that HV ever again my doctor arranged us to have a new one who actually bothered to find out about turner syndrome.

Answer 10

When my daughter was first diagnosed, and I was raw, it was really hard. Those comments really hurt!  After a while, you develop a thick skin and begin to realize that some people really aren't worth wasting any emotion over.

When Kimberley was first diagnosed, she had a thing where she loved to hold things wrapped in celephone, just to hear the noise.  I was with her at a store, she was very upset, so I got her a pkg of M&M's so she could make noise with the bag.  Two older ladies standing nearby "Well, it looks like someone knows how to get her way!"  I replied "You know what? She has autism. She doesn't even like the candy inside, just the package!"  They muttered to each other and walked away. But it stung being judged as a bad parent.

The other one that stands out was a day at the mini golf course, bumper boats, rock wall, etc.... My other kids were busy playing, and I was busy trying to keep Kimberley entertained. She wanted to strip at the sight of every fountain.  She wanted to ride the bumper boats, but the line took to long, and by the time it was our turn, she was in full meltdown mode.  I took her out of line and was busy trying to get her calmed when this woman from line said very loudly to no one in particular, but while looking in my direction "See?  THAT'S what you get when you spare the rod and spoil the child!" At that point I was so frazzled, I looked up and said quite loudly, "Well, that just doesn't work when THE CHILD has AUTISM!"  I was immediatly surrounded by 3-4 well meaning, caring Moms who gave the original woman lots of dirty looks, and asked how they could help me, how rude of her, etc...

I've been told "You CAN spank her you know!"  

Over the years, I've really learned to tune out the outside world when my daughter is having a problem in public. I just focus on helping her to calm down, understand what's going on, and what appropriate behavior she should be displaying.  Your son is only 3, you've just started out, it's going to be painful for a while, but eventually you'll get to a place where it's obvious how ignorant some people are.  Here's a link that you might appreciate. I wrote out a bunch of advice to parents of children newly diagnosed with autism.  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 11

my brother has CP. It really made me upset when people stared or said oh i wounder what she was taking while pregant or would come up to ask him stuff which got him upset. I never treated him like he had a problem so when people treated him like that it made him confussed. Sounds like you are a Perfect Mom. You only got a great son becauase God knew that you would treat him so good. Takes a powerful and great mom to do it the right way. make sure when people do something weird to him say would you go up to someone eles and do that? or say would you like me to say or do that to you? i hope this helps. it is a sensitive thing for me and hard to explain my feelings

Answer 12

Once I was in the hairdresser and a lady brought her child in that was servely brain damaged and he reminded me so much of my niece and so did how loving his mother was with him, as my own sister was with her daughter. Eventually I couldn't resist and started to talk to the mother and touch the childs hand, as I knew from my own niece touch was so important. Once they had gone the hairdresser turned to me and said I bet she's regretted ever having that child, lets face it she can't do what she wants, go on holiday blah blah blah !! I was horrified at her ingnorance and I told her how wrong she was that my sister had a child exactly the same and not once had she regretted it and yes she had a lovely holiday in Florida this year ta and I walked out.

Answer 13

My 10 year old has autism and he cannot handle a lot of people around him and the things that have been said upset me . I have people say when he is having one of his little episodes that if it was their child they would slap him, If that was their child they would have him put away. He used to do loud squeals and people would say he should of been gagged. His sisters get more upset than I do and my eldest daughter once went up to a woman who made a snide comment and said he has autism and can't help how he is , what is your excuse for being a nasty person ? I have to admit I couldn't help laughing at that one.

He  can be a loving little boy when he wants but there are times he can get aggressive and has very violent outbursts when he gets very upset. Last week we was on holiday and we was on Blackpool beach and he got upset for no apparent reason and after he had attacked me he lay on the floor and screamed , and I did what I normally do which is to let him calm down on his own as if I try and hold him he gets worse, and the amount of people who walked past and tutted and made comments was awful, even when I told them what was wrong. A lot of people are just very ignorant about the autistic spectrum disorder and they will always be ignorant about it. It is just a sad fact.

Answer 14

A friend of mine has a son with autism.

Like any other kid he is sensitive and caring and it breaks my heart when people make uneducated and ignorant comments about him and his mother.

When they went to Blackpool he sent me a postcard he'd written himself, and yesterday his mum told me he'd drawn a picture of me with a crown on my head cos he thinks so much of me.  That was so nice of him, it brought tears to my eyes.

Just rise above self-centred people who have no understanding of real life.  You're better than all of them, never forget that!

and so is your son!

Have a fantastic life together x

  

Answer 15

I have two with autism and a five year age gap between them.....

one day I am in Marks and Spencer and my eldest was humming as they do and this old bloke said "Christ the noise of that kid" and I said "Hey, he's got autism if you don't mind and he's blocking out the noise" and he replied "Autism!!! Humph, it was called being naughty in my day" and I was having such a lousy day - y'know one where you've had no sleep and I just launched all over the shop saying  he'd rot in h**l, the miserable old barstool and what not. Had everyone looking at me then!!! Mad.

Another time I was in the supermarket and my youngest kicked off and I had her under my arm in the queue punching away at me and this women said "Oh I just hate in when you get a kid kicking off in a big queue" to her mate and I said "Oh but do you know what makes it worse? When someone like you comments...." and she blushed away but didn't apologise.

Then there was the woman in the wheelchair that my son fell over and she remarks how clumsy he was and my fella retorted "That'll be the dyspraxia part of his autism, shame you can't see his disability like we can see yours isn't it?"

It's awful isn't it? But you know the autism awareness website actually do t-shirts that say "Staring won't cure my autism but we can work on your social skills" which I think is lovely!!!! What angers me is that people look at children with Downs with pity and at children with Autism with disgust, and the same with the parents. At the end of the day just because you cannot see the disability doesn't mean it isn't there!!

You take care