To all the parents that had at least an adopted child.?

Question

At what age, would you( or did you) tell your children ( or child) that they were adopted and that you are not their real parents? how did they take it? what if they said that they wanted to know their real parents, would you let them do so? would you help them find out who they real parents are?

(I am sorry that it's a lot of questions but please answer if you can) thank you

Answer 1

The moment I laid eyes on them!  (Yes, as infants)

And, I am their real parents.  But I told them about their birthparents when they asked.  Before that, they heard from a baby on up that she loved them, but could not take care of a baby.  When asked, I only asnwered the question they asked.  

If you were given some very unfortunate advice, and have "waited" to talk about adoption with your children, you are now in an extremely tough spot.  Your child is in a very delicate spot.  Children do not usually do well when they are suddenly "told" that their whole family and their whole life is different from the way they thought for all of their lives.  It impairs trust, encourages resentment, and is emotionally damaging.

Tell your children from the day you "have" them that you are so glad that you adopted them!  Tell them how grateful you are that their birthmother was able to let you parent them.  Tell them how they have two mothers who love them so much.  Honor her, honor them, honor yourself, and honor the adoption.  Don't overwhelm them by bringing it up all the time, but make it a NATURAL part of conversation, just like having telling them what beautiful brown eyes they have!

Meeting their birthparents?  That all depends on the agreement you made with their birthparents when you adopted.  If it was part of the plan that everyone agreed up and wanted, then yes.  The sooner, the better.  Then --- again, it is natural, and less emotionally loaded.  If you "wait" until they are older, it can be emotionally very difficult.

Email me if you have specific quesitons or need more advice.  This is an area I am passionate about.  I hope to place an article on this topic in the future.  Good luck!

Answer 2

It depends upon the circumstances surrounding the adoption.  If the child is a result of incest or rape, then you may want to introduce the idea of adoption at an early age.  However, you want to wait until the child is old enough to understand.

Answer 3

I told him when the he was 15

Answer 4

I agree that adoptive parents who put in hours of sleepless nights and gave all their time, energy, love, and soul to a child are indeed in every sense of the word "real parents". But the reality is, the child has two very real mothers.

Many biological mothers gave all of their heart, body, spirit and souls to their children. And they are "real mothers" in every sense of the word as well. Some mothers do not care, or do not act in the best interest of their children, adoptive and biological alike. That is the only way a person can truly lose the title of "real parent".

Believing that your child deserves a better financial situation, or even simply a situation that is safer and the child will have a better chance at a future, does not make anyone's heart and love as a mother any less. In many cases, it can be more.

I suggest thinking about how you view the other mother of your child. Some people tell their children that their child was placed out of love, when that may not be the case. Some children are abused, or abondoned with little interest in how the child would fare.

Some children were deeply loved and wanted with every bit of their original mothers' heart.

My folks told me about adoption before I could remember. I just always knew, and I think this is the best policy.

If there is no evidence that the child's other mother is dangerous, using drugs, or unloving, then it may make sense to open up the adoption...

These days closed adoptions are not as popular. Sometimes an open adoption might be as simple as an e-mail and pictures once or twice a year. That can give you information to share with your child if they have questions.

Answer 5

I started talking about the fact that she was adopted when she was around 3 1/2 or so.  She has a younger sister who is my biological child and wnated to know if I breastfed her when we were in China.  (I wasn't ready for the whole talk yet, so I simply told her no, that my body wasn't making milk then, so I fed her from a bottle and a cup.)  Eventually, this led to our discussing that she didn't come from my belly but from another woman's and that she couldn't take care of her baby any more, so she gave [her] to us to take care of and be her Mommy and Daddy.  

She's close to 5 now, and she still doesn't completely get it, but we still talk about it when she wants to.  

The question of finding her birth mom is complicated by the fact that, at this point at least, there's a chance that if we did her mom could get in trouble in China for abandoning her baby.  We have a friend who adopted her daughter from China shortly after China started foreign adoptions, and they visited China a few years ago.  She was asked while there if they wanted them (at the orphanage) to try to find A's birth mom.  A and her mom discussed it and elected not to pursue it because of the fear of making trouble for A's birth mom.

If things change there before I take my children to visit China (as I hope to do someday), I would like for my daughter to meet her birth mother, and I would like to meet her myself.

Answer 6

My boyfriend was adopted from Haiti at 17 months. His parents always let him know he was adopted and he took frequent trips down there. He is a very mature adult and makes good decisions. He calls both of his moms mom and loves them both. I hope this helped.

Answer 7

I agree with all previous comments about the use of the term "real parents".  The woman who abandoned MY daughter at the hospital 2 hours after birth is certainly not her "real" parent.  (sorry, that term really yanks my chain).

My children knew from the very beginning that God made our family. I told them stories about it when I was giving bottles at 3 am!   These stories tell about how each one of them were picked, what happened in the days after they came home and of course, pictures galore.  Everything of course is age-appropriate.  My nine year old has started asking some more detailed questions and I answer them as truthfully as I can.

You can't go wrong if you deal with this topic early, with love, truth and respect to all involved.

Answer 8

younger than 7 I wont tell the others. I wont tell them in tell they r old enough to under stand. If they want to know their real parents let them.

Answer 9

First.  Adoptive parents are their children's REAL  parents.  The child's biological parents are just that biological.  A parent is someone who loves, nurture, raises, teaches and protects.  A parent is not someone who gives birth.  Second.  With adoptive children it is best to explain it at an early age.  Around 5 or 6.  You don't have to get into all of the details you simply tell the child that they are extra special because you got to choose them as a child.  That another nice lady carried them in pregnancy.  Answer any questions that they have truthfully.  At this early age they take it really good.  And it saves you the heartache later of hearing that you kept it from them.  Once the child turns 10-12 again explain that they are adopted.  If the child wishes to find out more information about their biological parents be there for them and help them.  Every person has a right and a need to know about their biology.  In case there are medical problems in the biological family history.  As a parent of course you should help your child that is what being a parent is all about.  It has nothing to do with your child loving you less if they find their biological parents.  That is not why they are looking.  They are looking for answers that you as their parent can not give them.  The only answers are to be found with the biological parents.

Answer 10

Jeepers people calm down the original poster didn't ask for a debate on the term "real" why don't you all let the adoptees themselves decide who their "REAL" parents are.

my goodness.

I was told at a young age about my adoption. Yes, its always better for a parent to let their child know about being adopted, and to support a search ( although the adopted person has a right to search with or without their permission ) when and if the adopted person expresses a desire to do so. Its not about the adoptive parents, its about the adopted child/adult.

and to the poster who suggested using "birth" terms as the appropriate language and terminology for parents who have surrendered their children to adoption, birth terms are highly offensive to first mothers out of the adoption propoganda fog. Do a little research and you'll see why.

Answer 11

Firstly, I disagree with Girshom.  I'm also an adoptee, and you don't grow up and 'decide' who your parents are.  Your parents are those who raise you.  Your BIRTH parents are the people who have you.  There is no 'first' parents, they didn't parent you, they created you and then gave you to parents to raise.  The reason those people are upset is because they are the real parents of those children, and the asker was using the incorrect terminology.  End of story.

Anyway, the best thing to do is always be open and honest about absolutely everything involving your child's adoption.  My parents never hid anything about my adoption from me, just the opposite in fact, it was a celebration in my house.

When I turned 18, my birthmother contacted me (it turned out she'd been trying for many years), and I agreed to meet her, and it was fine.  However, don't for one minute think that I ever mistook her for being my mom.  I knew who my parents were, and  I was very secure in my heart about who I was.  I just let my birth mom get a lot of stuff off her chest, told her I forgave her (which was true, I actually had nothing to forgive her for), and told her that if we could do it all again, she had made the right decision.  We've kept in contact since then, but honestly I do it mostly for her benefit.  She is a nice lady, and I think she has some unresolved issues.  So keep in mind there are different reasons for contact with birth parents.  Good luck, I hope this gives you an adoptees insight.

Answer 12

My parents told me really early and I took it well. I didn't want to be 50% Chinese and 50% Caucasian anyway.

Answer 13

First of all, let me give you a little gentle guidance about "real parents" etc.  It's more appropriate to say "biological parents" or "birth parents" as it doesn't ruffle as many feathers from all sides of the adoption triad (birth parent(s), adoptive parents and adoptee).  I'm of the view that the "real parents" are the ones with the sleepless nights when the child has a bad dream or stomach ache, the one who goes to the school to advocate for her daughter's special educational needs, the one who worries until they come home when they go on their first date, etc.

I think it's best for everyone involved if the child's adoption story is told to them from the time they come into the adoptive home.  this might be right after birth, it might be when they're 18 years old.  The story should always, always always consist of the truth (age appropriate information, but never lie) about why an adoption plan was made if it's known.  It should also consist (imho) of the adoptive family's efforts to bring the child into the family (just like I talk with my bio sons about my pregnancy and birth experience...I talk with my adopted daughters about their birth mother, how they came to be adoptable and what was involved on our end in wanting them and loving them so much that we brought them into our home.

If you're open & honest from the beginning, you never have to worry about having "the talk" and what might result from it...including the child feeling like they've been deceived, like they're incomplete, shame, anger, sadness, etc....some of which could have been avoided by honesty and open communication.  I think that the child will likely need much less therapeutic help if it's dealt with up front and positively rather than if it's kept as a "secret" until you have "the talk" with them.

My daughters talk often about their birth mother and their two foster mothers they were with (one for a month and the other for two years).  We give them age appropriate information and allow them to express their feelings of sadness, grief, loss and all the other things that go along with being an adopted child.  We hope that by allowing them an avenue to express those feelings with us, that they'll find healing and wholeness and feel valued as human beings.

Answer 14

Our adopted son is 3 years old and he already knows that he is adopted.  He has visited with his birth family twice already also.  For us, it is important for him to know that we love him and that his birth family loved him enough to want a better life for him and so they gave him to us.  I think having a biological connection allows a child to know their whole self and not have any doubts or fears.

Answer 15

My babes are 1 and 2 and already my 2 year old understands that Bubby didn't come from my belly and that he has a belly mommy and we tell them the story about how we ALL came together. They hear us share our story with others and they'll always know.