To aparents who have?

Question

akids going nuts in your homes, (violence, non-compliance, running away, whatever....) that gets so bad, you consider 'returning' them, do you STILL believe adoption doesn't play a part in this?

Answer 1

I believe it has more to do with the way they were raised by the Aparents. If they are raised to behave, have respect, and are in a loving home, I don't think they will act out as much.

Answer 2

I hardly dare even post an answer.....  here.

******ADDED: Oh, I forgot to say.... It has nothing to do with Adoption...that happened a long time ago.... It is about the Emotional and mental health, and physical bran damaged caused by someone who was once a mother--and it is Not at all about Adoption....

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I am a RAD mom.... I have now been such for 5years...

My child has had every level of support and therapy. There is nothing more to offer says, the system... Unless I chose to sign parental rights over to the state.

I will not do this.

I have done my best to help parents who have gotten to this point.

I know many many who have done this...as the single only choice left. My efforts are generally silenced where they matter most.

Society has this way of Not looking at the truth of this situation that is unspeakable. No parent chooses to love a child and wind up learning Love will never heal a heart, mind or person who is so profoundly damaged by lack of proper care.

Yet, as much as these parents who have needed help and not found it are judged the--judgers cannot find it in them to even care enough to think about the realities and offer any form of support.

With personal and first hand knowledge I can tell you that on the way to finding help for a severely disturbed child THERE ARE more then just a few people with authority who use the "I would send them back" statement to rid themselves of any active responsibility to provide support for a family in need.

My family does not need to consider this as an option as we have always had the means to make our home and family safe. Not all or even many families have the financial abilities that we have. Not everyone can afford to hire live in help...or pay a security company to establish electronic systems designed to protect the innocent family members. We can...

When families with children such as mine have already used every local treatment, every therapist in town knows them on a first name basis and mental health services have been used up... Where are all of those people who claim they would never do what "this family" has been advised to do from all of the authorities available?

To even suggest that "Getting Counseling" would help is funny.... As these issues of giving up do not come before the family looks For the Help.... These decisions are only made when all the help there is has been used up and No one has a better idea because there is no other help to offer.

Any family who has chosen to take this step has not chosen it as the first course of action. In fact, done legally it is not even possible without having done Everything there is possible to do first. So, again it is Naive and Ignorant to say to these parents "Adoption is Forever" We know this... We believe this too...and families in my situation did not adopt to have it be temporary or until the children  look for their "REAL" mothers...

If anyone who saw a question or post from a parent in the situation of saying--They ARE DONE actually took the time to point a parent to a resourse or even simply say, "I am so sorry, I am here to listen and help you become strong again"

Rather then suggest things the family clearly knows and has already done and judge and criticize for not having done the what we all know is the very basic when they already have....Well, then it makes those people just a part of that parents problems...which only make it worse---and only make that parent feel even so much more helpless--alone and desperate to Find an answer or finally listen to the System which is really telling them--Sign over rights and walk away.

I can understand the ignorance.... who would really want to look at the realities of what we actually face on a daily basis...Most are disturbed just to hear the details of one week of the life we lead and the efforts we make to help a Hurt Child Heal....

~~~thanks for everything~~~

signed,

A Mother who has refused to accept the state CPS, School System, and Mental Health providers only option left to offer. I will continue to parent my child in isolation and allow those of you who judge to live in your alternate reality.

Answer 3

I would never ever "return" a child.  I can't even begin to imagine the damage that would do.  

I do not have a child going nuts but i do have a child who is non-compliant.  I like that about her.  All i ask is that she acts in a respectful manner.  She challenges me almost daily, but she is acting in a manner that i taught her.  So how could i be upset?  Don't go with the flow, question everything, and be true to yourself.  I call it being independent.

If you are asking does adoption issues play a role in my child's life, sure.  I don't currently see any big issues.  I did my homework though.  I have found a counselor that is an adoptee who works solely with adopted children.  If my daughter ever had problems that exceeded what i could provide, i would make an appointment with this counselor.

If you are asking if adoption plays a role in aparents returning children. God, I hope not.  I can't even wrap my mind around the abandonment issues an aparent would cause returning a child.  Adoption is forever.  I don't care if the child has to be institutionalized that is your child.  You make visits, support and love the child for the rest of your life.  If you are not open to an unconditional forever commitment then don't adopt, you are causing more harm than good.  

Saying that the child was already damaged in foster care before she/he came home to you is no excuse. Most cases you know what you are getting into and even if you didn't know, I don't care.  Adoption is forever.  Adoptees have enought loss to deal with.  An aparent should be a soft place for these children to fall, FOREVER!

Answer 4

Reactive Attachement Disorder really doesn't have much to do with adoption.  The theory behind the diagnosis is that there is enough trauma/disruption in very early childhood that causes a lasting inability for the child to trust or bond with adults.  According to Erik Erickson, who is the pioneer of developmental psychology, an infant's developmental stage is called "Trust vs Mistrust", where if an infant's needs are met, as in being fed when hungry, being changed when uncomfortable, being held when frightened, then the infant learns the world is a good place where their needs will be met and learns to trust adults.  In the cases abuse and neglect in infants, the child learns that the world is an unfriendly place and caregivers cannot be trusted to meet his/her needs.  This first developmental stage is absolutely critical for lifelong healthy relationships.  Reactive Attachment Disorder, other Cluster B personality disorders (Borderline personality Disorder, Antisocial personality disorder) all have their roots right here.  Neglect/Abuse of an infant will have lifelong consequences, even though people believe that the baby is "too young to remember."

Okay, so why the Abnormal Psychology lesson?  Because  there are obviously some misconceptions about what Reactive Attachement Disorder is and where it comes from.  It starts with abuse/neglect in infancy.  It has nothing to do with whether the child was adopted or not.  Biological children that were abused/neglected in infancy by their biological parents  are just as likely to develop RAD as children who were adopted that also suffered abuse/neglect in infancy by their adoptive parents.

Honestly, the part in your question about "violence non-compliance, running away, whatever" shows that you really don't understand the severity of problems these children have.  It's flippant and ignorant to lump this in with normal teenage rebellion.

More often than not, the children with RAD "got" the diagnosis in infancy, with their biological parents, and only after the damage done to them was so severe that it is left to the adoptive families to try to help these children.  RAD can cripple children for life and poses a very real physical danger to the families in which they reside.   Many of these children will wind up incarcerated for violent crimes as adults or teenagers.  It is not always possible for the damage to be undone, even by the most loving and supportive adoptive families.  Sometimes love isn't enough and intensive professional intervention is needed.  I know for a fact that the Department of Social Services in some areas do not always tell the adoptive families the child's full stories, so many well-meaning families are unaware of what the child's needs will be.  Therefore, they are unprepared for having family pets killed, being attacked in their homes, the TV being smashed because the child wasn't allowed to have ice cream for dinner. Without a LOT of support and intervention from professionals, these families can literally be faced with the choice of finding an alternate placement for one child, or rushing another child to the hospital with a knife wound from the first child.  

You tell me what you would do, if you had to make a choice like that.  Stop making judgements on these families.  You have absolutely no idea what they go through.

Gershom: You are right, it is not always the case.  There are varying degrees of attachment disorder, but I am talking about the extreme Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis.  It's been my opinion, shared with many child&adolescent psychiatrists that RAD does get overdiagnosed, when in fact, a lesser degree of the disorder is appropriate.  

I maintain, however, that full blown RAD is caused by abuse/neglect in infancy, beyond a single event.  Trauma of separation may cause some attachment difficulties in people adopted as infants, but I do not rule out other contributing factors either.

I also would seriously question the ability of full-blown RAD to be caused -solely- by adoption.  As for biological considerations, how about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or Fetal Alcohol Effects?  These can have huge impacts on behavior, inabilility to comprehend consequences and general bonding.  Especially with FAE, there are no physical identification symptoms, so if it is not disclosed that the bio-mom drank during pregnancy, the adoptive family would have no idea that this is in the picture.  

There is also studies and evidence that there is a genetic component to some attachment disorders.  There are a small percentage of infants that resist cuddling/bonding/attention from their BIOLOGICAL parents and ongoing research is being done to see if there is a link between this personality trait in newborns and attachment disorders.

jgf: Self diagnosis of RAD doesn't count, in my book.  In a previous post, you said you went to a seminar on RAD and found some similarities in your personality.  Unless you've been to a board certified psychiatrist, you are self-diagnosing.  Put down your copy of People Magazine and try working in the field for a few years.  BTW, I love the 'you know nothing about being an adoptee comeback'.  Every time  someone can cite sources and counter your arguments with evidence and experience, there's always that fall back position.  

I'm sorry if I sound angry, but this IS something I have experience with, as a professional.

Answer 5

It could, depending on what age the child was adopted at ( the actions) However any parent who considers getting rid of a child (birth or adopted) has an problem, these children are your, and your responsibility to get them the help they deserve.

Answer 6

In my opinion, adoption is a lifelong commitment.  It is not like returning a puppy to the pound.  I have never been in the situation, but I think that parents "returning" a child is despicable.

Answer 7

I think there are a lot of factors that go into this type of situation.  Biological parents sometimes give their kids up, too (at a much lower rate).  Generally speaking, when this happens, it's because the parents are unbalanced, don't have what it takes to parent, aren't educated about their child's issues (my mom still doesn't get that her drinking and doing drugs during pregnancy had a whole lot to do with my horrid behavior as a child - she wished for years that she could have put me back, and finally just kicked me out), etc.  But when a child is adopted, and the adoptive parents consider "giving back" their child, you have to add to the list the trauma of being separated from the child's biological mother, whatever other traumas have happened since birth (abuse, neglect, homelessness, etc.), and of course, the faulty attachment to the new parents.  I think you said it well...adoption plays a part (and a big part), but that's not all of it.  I don't have statistics, but I'd be willing to bet that this happens more often in foster care than in any other family type arrangement.

ETA:  I should also say that it is my personal belief that ANY time someone gives a child up, regardless of the family arrangement (biological, adoptive, foster, guardianship, etc.), it is about the PARENT, not the child.  It's not about the child's inability to function in that family (because there are families who purposely seek out "damaged" children, and they can make it work just fine).  It's about the parents who are not equipped to do what needs to be done to parent the child.  I've seen many different types of families, and I wasn't that bad of a kid.  My mom got rid of me because SHE couldn't handle it, not because I was "bad".  (Granted, I was a handful, but when I see people like HappyMomAnna making it work with a child who has RAD, I realize my own family was dysfunctional because of the ADULTS' limitations, not my own.)  The same holds true for all families.  When an adult can't handle a child, and decides to give that child up, it's because the ADULT can't handle it.

Answer 8

When is violence, non-compliance, running away just an adoption issue- many biological kids are this way.  Would you consider giving your child away if this happened to a biological child. I know many a biological family that has problems with their children.   by the way a child is not a product you can return to a store for full refund.

Answer 9

I guess i went a little "nuts", i tried to comitt sucide, i didn't listen to my parents, i didn't like the rules. But i can tell you this my a-parents never wanted to give me back, they never gave up on me. that is why i love and appericate them to this day!!

Answer 10

I am an adopted child. My dad wanted to give me back when I was a teenager. My actions at that time were because of my choices, they had nothing to do with being adopted. I was the one who choose to do the things I did.  I was non-compliant and I did drugs and I ran wild. It was because of the people I choice to hang with and the decisions I made. People see to forget that kids from all types of family's do this it is not an adoption related problem!  I had 3 completely different sets of parents before I was 3 years old. I have no problems because of being adopted. My problems have been because of what I did not because I was adopted. It's time people take responsibly for their problems and not blame their adoptions or anything else for their problems. It's their actions that cause the problems not the adoption. Quit dwelling on the past and live for today

Answer 11

I don't think that violence etc. has much to do with the legal matter of adoption..I think it has more to do with how a child was damaged prior to adoption.

Answer 12

Jennifer, thats not ALWAYS the case. I never learned the stage of trust in Erik Ericksons stages of infant development. Its taken me months of therapy just to "see" the truth in that.  

I wasn't abused, I wasn't neglected, I wasn't even ever in the care of my mother after 3 days old. Yet I don't trust. I never learned how to. I lost my trust in the world, humanity because I was surrendered by her and left to the state.

Sometimes losing a mother and being a baby on your own in the care of a stranger, is all it takes for RAD like symptoms to develop. It doesn't have to always be "physcial abuse" for the stages of develoment to be interupted. Abandonment and Separation is enough "mental abuse" on an infant to create RAD like symtoms.

Its unreal how people here think infants are so resiliant, to primal wound and then you turn around and blame all of the problems on their life with their natural families?!?!?!

What about all of the adoptees who were adopted at birth who grow up to have RAD? Whats the excuse that there is no primal wound THEN? Is it genetically related? lol.

Answer 13

Adoption is forever, I would never think about "returning" my child.  I was meant to be his mom and he my son.  My child was adopted as a baby and is only 3 now.  He is a typical healthy 3 year old with temper tantrums, not listening, drawing on my walls, etc.,  and I've gotten so little sleep on and off to the point where I just feel as though I need a good babysitter for the day.  But, I have NEVER wanted to "return" him- never thought of it.

My situation is different than parents who adopt an older child with multiple special needs issues.

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Ooops, I didnt really answer your question- Do I believe adoption plays a part in their issues...  Yes, the fact that they have a bad family life has alot or most of the "part" in their behavior.

Answer 14

It may, but perhaps for our future kids and our previous foster kids it has as much to do with neglect and abuse from formative years.  What happens that first five years of life will effect their behaviour for the rest of their life, it can only be modified to a degree.

An adopted baby from birth, well I can't comment about that.