To forgive my wife or just move on?

Question

A month ago I found out that my wife of 8 yrs cheating on me. She has been talking with her ex for the last 5 months she was living with me. And within the 5 months I felt like something was happening but I geuss I still had a little hope inside of me saying to trust her and stop being paranoid.

It came to a point where she was asking for a divorce, I kept asking why. But all she kept saying was that a year ago she started feeling different towards me and that she felt she needed to be alone(without me) I tried my best to tell her that I wanted to work things out and that I would change the things in my life that was making the marriage problems. In the end I allowed her to move to her hometown to give her space and allow me to get my life together and we would meet halfway. I did not know she was planning to be with someone else cause in all the emotional talks we had she never admitted to me that there was anyone else even so I told her that if there was I'd be willing to let go just for her to be happy even without me.

Well once she moved, she stopped all contact with me, she would never answer any of my calls. It was like she wanted nothing to do with me. And for 2 weeks this went on. During those 2 weeks I was at my greatest low in my life. I knew she was with someone and I had to try my best to move on. I decided I wanted a divorce. But all of a sudden she calls me. At first she lied and said nothing was going on and that she wanted to see me. So like an idiot I told her to give me a 2nd chance to make things work and that I would pick her up. Her home town is 4hrs away. To make a short story short. I somehow was able to make her confess everything. It all started out as lies but I kept pressuring her. I even got her to confess that she slept with him one last time just hrs before I came to pick her up.

She claims it started out as just as friends but got deeper. To a point where she thought there was somthing there between them. But in the end after seeing me again that she realialized that she loved me and wanted to be back together. She stopped all contact with him and for the last month or so I have been trying to make things work but I have so much anger and hate for her now. I don't feel the same anymore and I don't think trust will ever come back. We have 4 children so a part of me wants to make it work for them but I feel miserable with all the thoughts of that guy being with her. I'm not sure if I'm giving her and myself enough time to think things through. A part of me wants to end it now and a part of me thinks that I'm not being fair to her and that I should at least give her another chance.

I know what I'm typed allot but I geuss when ur venting out. You just can't help it. :( I still love her but how can you love somone you hate.

Answer 1

I don't care what anyone here says... love isn't supposed to be this way. Love shouldn't hurt. Love don't lie and betray. And, yes marriage is sacred. And, she violated trust and broke a promise. Even though it takes two to make or break a relationship.. that is still no excuse to go out and be with someone else and be dishonest through the whole thing. All I can advise is you are in the right for divorce. But, don't let this close your heart off to the one you are supposed to be with. But, don't rush into someone else's arms either. That is just rebounding and will hurt you and that person in one way or another. Learn to make it alone. Learn about yourself. Heal from hurt and past issues. Then when you are ready to move on it will happen before you know it. I don't know what else to say other than to pray about it.

Answer 2

Sad, very sad. The kids are the worst part of this. Your wife is a joke and you need someone who really loves you. Here's the problem, you leaving will s***w up the kids and she will probably get custody. Unless you fight for it of course. Which will make it worse on the kids. You will have to pay child support to someone who doesn't care about your family. Sad, very sad.

Answer 3

Wow! That is some serious pain she has put you through. Do not stay together for the kids and make yourself miserable. But if you love her and think you can put that in the past then she will have to work hard to gain your trust back and she should want to do that. I'm not saying hold it over her head and make her feel like a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes nobody is perfect. You don't realize what you had till its not there anymore and she obvisouly seen that.

I hope things work out for the best

Good Luck

Remember how many times God has forgiven you.

No one is perfect..Go with your heart!

Answer 4

I totally understand where your coming from. If my girl friend or wife ever cheated on me, and then wanted to get back together with me, i would say no. Because first she was the one who went behind your back and did this to you, so you have the choice of telling her to leave and never come back or if she comes back and comes clean you both should go though couples therapy.

Answer 5

Well in my opinion you should end it now because it seemed she used this as a way to cheat on you so she wouldn't feel guilty about it and since you love her so much she took advantage of that. I say just talk to her and tell her you want a divorce cause your not gonna be playing her little games all of you life cause trust me you will get tired of that and you will snap. Well hope this helps you out.  

Answer 6

You have worked through the hardest part, if you take her back your setting yourself up for another heartache.  I was married 16 years to a cheating spouse, and I always believed the, I'm sorry and I will not ever do it again, stories.  After being divorced from her for twenty years, I finally asked her why, her explanation to me was because I allowed her back each time, she knew she could do it again and again and I would just take her back.  Do not put yourself through this.  You deserve happiness and it will come to you again, but just not with this person.  Good luck.

Answer 7

I believe that its time for you to move on. If she can have s*x with him one last time before you came and got her, then she is probably still not that into you. I believe that she probably just wants to stay with you because you offer her more financial stability and not for love.  Once you lost trust in someone its best to free your mind and let her go. Being in a relationship with someone you don't trust anymore will only cause fights and arguments through out the relationship, which is not good for you or the children.

Answer 8

I know it won't be easy and you need to move on. It won't happen over night or by repressing it. You need to let your emotions run its cycle and give it time. Time is the best healer.

At least forgive her for your sake.

Answer 9

"How can you love someone you hate?"  I like the way you phrased that.  That probably sums up the feelings that everyone who has been through an affair feels.  You are betrayed and heartbroken by the one person whom you love more than anything.  You are angry that the person you were supposed to turn to in hard times is the one who hurt you.  It is such a hard thing to go through, but it can get better.  You hear of couples all the time who have gone through an affair and it made them stronger in the long run.  The thing you'll have to do is allow yourself time.  Time, time, and more time.  This is not something that goes away overnight.  BOTH of you have to work hard to get back what you once had.  She has to be an open book with you and answer any question that you have.  She has to be honest and willing to completely get him out of her life.  If she takes all of those necessary steps, then I think you can build back trust with time.

Answer 10

wow that is some serious pain   i say dump her you do not need that

Answer 11

the same thing happed to me 2 years ago, they act dumb like it is us, but they have a secret to hide, I got back with her because we have 2 kids at that time they were 1 and 3 personally i sucked up my pride and all that anger I had so my kids could have a mom and dad, but it is not the same and i still dont trust her and am miserable most of the time

Answer 12

well u were giving her so much chance that she even lost it!!!! She was cheating on u. U were been loyal to her, but sometimes we don't give chance. but sometimes we do!!! I think u should get the divorce!!! Settle down things with ur wife and think about ur children as well!! The children will be suffering because the absent of a mother or father!!! You deserve a woman better than ur wife!! You really need to think things over again!!!  

Answer 13

she hasn't been fair to you leaving you not calling not keeping in touch that's insane for the kids sake please don't say that your kids will be happy when there father is happy as for the cheating lies and deceit can you live with that 1 day she just may do it again  

Answer 14

To me there is one solution.  End it. You stated that trust is gone. She screwed around on you and will do it again at some point. I would divorce her ***, but that's just me.

Good luck.

Answer 15

You say the trust is gone, you hate her, you have been at your lowest, however, you need to take everything into account when you develop your decision. And what I mean is the kids. You have 4 children that will be affected by the selfish behavior of an adult.

For now the hate is huge as well as the pain, and the trust is gone, however, it can be better, if you work at it. This didn't happen overnight and it can't be fixed overnight either.

It will take a commitment by both of you for the marriage to move forward. I suggest you find out how much of a commitment she is willing to make to make the family stay together.

goof luck.

Answer 16

You could try counseling either alone or together or both.  You have a lot of anger.  It will take a lot of work on her part to build a trust again.  My husband did the same.  I never got over it.  One reason was that it seemed like after I took him back it was his license to treat me any way he wanted...and it wasn't good!  I finally had to end it.  I felt he owed me the world.  Good luck.  4 kids is a lot of child support!  

Answer 17

how can you give her another chance ' if she wants a divorce .the sad thing is the children . if i were in your shoes ' i would just let her go .

and try and pick up the shreds of your life .

Answer 18

The thing about affairs is that generally speaking, there is a reason that she decided to do it anyway. I was there just recently. Trust is blown by the LAST person on Earth that you would think could do this to you.

My wife and I decided to work it out. Know why??, because I was as much to blame as she was. We men are too stupid sometimes to get the signals that our wives are giving out.

Like the attention, affection, compliments ect.. Bottom line is if you give them what they crave and thrive on which is what I've already stated, they won't have a reason to entertain such ideas.

I ignored my wife for many years and after 17 years of our 22 year marriage, she was tired of throwing hints about wanting all of these things, so she got involved with a local "myspace friend". Knowing it was wrong, she did it anyway.

She really fell for the guy because of the comments about her beauty, wit, sexiness ect..The very things that she wanted from me, but didn't get.

I love my wife and always have and she really loves me, so when I discovered it she came back to me. It has been extremely hard to trust her again, so I monitored her every move for 3-4 months. All the while giving her more love than I knew the other guy ever could.

I became VERY creative with letters, e-cards, e-mails, flowers and in the bedroom. Giving her enough of me and my affections to show her how much I really cared for her.

It took a while for her to believe that I was not doing it just to keep her, but because I truly love her.

Right now we have a better relationship than ever, but it's not been easy.

All I can say is that it can work and trust can be built back, but all secrecy has got to go.

Answer 19

if you are able not to deal with this "thoughts of she was with him" as an obsessive image in you head, then you may start again a common life. I would put the kids into the focus. They are YOUR, so they have to be at the first place. A silly adventure of your wife is negligible compared to the smile of 4 own kids.  

Answer 20

Hi, don't be depressed and make any hasty decision'sWe as responsible me should not react in haste. I know this is not easy,Before I go furtther may I ask you a simple question?How is your s*x life? I too had almost a similar problem, How is your life now?Is she behaving normally now?If you honestlly think she has changed then FORGIVE her. We all make mistakes in life.Try and take her for a holiday away from all the daily chores.Both of you get together and go for a romantic holaday. Forget the past and try to built up the relation once again. Try and not to taunt her for what she has done to you. I know it is difficult for you. But please try and help the relationship to be cemented to a more solid one. Most of the younger generation will say leave her and go on with life, but dont do so. These relationship cannot be broken in just one day. Try and be be more close to her and find out if she is lonely or depressed. Spend more time with her. I am sure she must have realized her mistake and really repending deep inside her. Give her a chance  Start life once again and please do not bring this subject up again with her. This will taunt her over and over again and things will go wrong with her. If you would like to wrte to me more or discuss further please do not hesitate to do so. The bottom line is we are all human beings and make mistakes in life. Start loving her the way you used to be before the problems cropped up. Your wound will definitely heal over a pperiod of time. Time will definitely heal all wounds. Take care and god bless you and your family. .