To get engaged, or not to get engaged...?

Question

I've been with my fabulous boyfriend for almost a year. (it'll be a year on the fourth of next month) I love him dearly and I know, without a doubt, that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

This is WAY out of character for me... I'm usually the commitment-phobe in relationships. And a year really isn't all that long. When he first started talking about our hypothetical future together, it scared me a little bit... but now I know what I want.

My my, how the tables have turned. I finally brought the conversation out of the hypothetical last night... He said that he knows he wants to marry me... He knows that he wants to get engaged to me in the future... that there is 'no doubt' in his mind. But he's not ready to say that officially right now.

So what does this mean? Does this mean he's still in his little dream world of the ideal? I thought an engagement was a promise to be married. If he's so sure that I'm the one he wants to marry and I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life, then why is the engagement aspect so hard for him to handle all of the sudden?

I know that I wont push him. I DON'T want him to propose just to make me happy... when we do get engaged, I want him to be excited and happy about it. I'm not asking for advice on what to do... I'm asking for a little bit of insight into what's going on in his head.

Answer 1

Just wait. He'll come around. I've been with my fiancee for 4 years and we didn't get engaged till last year. I wouldn't fret. Just let him take his time and enjoy the way your relationship is right now. I think he just needs a little time and when he's ready, he'll propose.  

Answer 2

Even if he knows you're the one, getting engaged is a big step forward, and it something that should only be done when both people are ready for it. I don't know how old you are but maybe your boyfriend feels he isn't old enough to get married, or maybe he's not in the right place financially. A proposal is a promise to get married, but it shouldn't be taken lightly. Maybe he wants to make sure that he can support you fully before he pops the question.

Answer 3

lol you have scared him with this turn around maybe he didnt really expect you to go through with anything as you are normally the one who is the one who says no! he thought that long term u wouldnt push him so need for him to be concerned and just mosey along nicely but now that u have said you would actually go ahead and comit to him he has literally s**t a brick lol you both have a little talking to do to find out why he has had this reaction!

Answer 4

There could be many reasons why he is not quite ready.  Maybe his parents are divorced and he wants to be absolutely sure he does everything right. How old are the two of you? Is he waiting to finish college or secure a better job or wait for a bigger savings account?  Did he have a bad breakup prior to you that left him a little gun-shy?

Whatever it is, I am pretty sure it is not *you* that's the issue. He is just wanting to be absolutely sure prior to making this very big commitment.  Everyone wants to get it just right.  I know this is not an easy thing to do, but just live in the moment and don't stress.  I stressed over getting engaged and getting married, and 9 years into the marriage I went through a divorce.  I'm not saying they are connected, but it's always a good idea to just trust things to flow and work out just the way they should in their own time.  Good luck.

Answer 5

i agree basically with what green eyes has said. 1 year is rather quick for a serious engagement. Enjoy your time together, do talk about a future (you don't want to be wasting anybody's time in the relationship), and if you still feel the same way in say another year then go for it.

Take care

Answer 6

All I have to say is, when someone answers your question who knows what they're talking about, please let me know.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and half years now. When we first started dating, he was constantly saying "When we get married..." and, like you, it scared me a little. But when I finally realized that it's not a bad thing for him to want to spend the rest of his life with me, I loved the idea and began saying "When we get married..." too. Then, he did a total 180. Now he says he'd rather wait a while before we get married. He says he does want to get married one day, but it's just not time yet. Why he did this, I have no clue. We do live together, but I don't think it's the whole "Why buy the cow..." thing. He's just not that type of person. It's especially hard since every single one of our friends are married. The only couple we know who are in a serious relationship and not married yet is his mom and her boyfriend.

Like you, I don't want to push him. Yes, I did get bit by the jealousy bug when all of our friends were announcing their engagements all at once and it made us get into a few heated discussions, but I want him to marry me because he wants to. I don't want him to feel like he was forced to buy a ring because it'll make me happy. What I do want from him more than anything right now is a clear reason as to why he changed his mind so quickly. I've tried to sit him down and ask him about it, but every time I do it seems like I'm the one talking about what I have a problem with and he doesn't want to talk about it. He's tried to explain before but when he does it's never very clear. When I try to put it into terms I can understand or use analogies, he says "Not really" and gets frustrated that he can't find the right words and I can't understand the words he's trying to use.

The only advice I've gotten from my friends is to keep quiet about it. Don't pressure him. But what they don't understand is that when we first started dating he was practically ready to head to the alter. I'm honestly at a loss and can only follow the advice my friends have given. Is it working? I have no idea. But it's worth a shot, right?

Answer 7

If you know you are right for each other then why are you waiting ?

I dont understand this when people talk of getting engaged some time in the future, what does that mean ? You wither want to do it or you dont.

If you are prepared to hang around and wait until he decides that you should wear a ring then you will have to be patient.

Personally I would have no respect for someone that is saying one thing and doing another and I agree with you if he is sure that you are the one he wants to marry then why put off getting engaged. ?

It doesn't make sense to me either.

Be careful, dont get your heart broken.

Answer 8

You haven't even been with him for a year yet, so it's a bit early to be freaking out over him not being ready to propose. Calm down, stop obsessing, and allow things to develop naturally instead of analyzing his every thought, word, and action. You're really rushing things here, and that can only be detrimental to the relationship. He's not ready to propose after being with you for less than a year? Good for him! That's way too soon to be proposing. It sounds like he is practical and has a good head on his shoulders. You could learn a lesson from him.

Answer 9

A lot of people believe that "getting engaged" indicates that you will be wed within 12-18 months.  It sounds like you believe (like I do!) that an engagement is simply a promise to wed, regardless of when that wedding day comes around!  I have had a "long engagement" (it will be over 2 1/2 years when our wedding day rolls around) and only chose a wedding date a few months ago - during the rest of that time, before the date was set, I was told by SEVERAL people that I wasn't "really engaged" because we weren't actively planning the wedding.

Perhaps your boyfriend believes, as so many other do, that the formal proposal is only to be established immediately before planning the wedding.  If that's the case, then there are a lot of factors that might be preventing him from proposing now (school, work, finances, etc).  I'd suggest just putting it on the back-burner for while and enjoying the relationship you have with him.  For all you know, he could be sneaking around behind your back, looking at rings.  

Feel free to ignore the people who are badgering you for knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy after 1 year.  I proposed to my fiance after only 6 months of dating (he gladly accepted!), and then he surprised me with a formal proposal about 6 months later (at which point our engagement became public).  I'd had no idea it was coming, although I had bugged him for months to let us tell everyone about our intentions.  It wasn't until I finally let it go and left him to his own devices that I found out he'd been secretly visiting jewelry stores for months!!

So...try not to worry about it.  Enjoy your relationship for what it is, and don't think about the labels!