To people who foster to adopt did you have these emotions?

Question

We just got our first foster placement. We are fostering to adopt so they are only placing kids with us with a good chance of permanent placement. The first mom has 10 other kids that were taken or she willingly adopted them out to family with no CPS involvement. They are pretty sure she won't work her case plan and he will be available for adoption. I feel like I am steeling her child. I know I have nothing to do with her case plan and I don't even have to meet her. I feel like I am benefiting from her loss.

I know many of you on here feel this (foster care) is better than private but I feel if I could afford it i would do private. I feel like they make a choice to give up their child and I would feel better about that. Does anyone else feel/felt that way?

Answer 1

I don't want to sound cold, although some may see it that way, but I really don't think of the bio mom of my youngest who came to us through Foster to Adopt.  She's an adult and she has either made her choices or has been unable to deal with her problems but the child is the innocent one.  Now, in my case, I know a bit more then normal about the bio mothers history, her issues and her failed attempts at treatment so it's not as though I am left to wonder.    

The Christian part of me hopes and prays for the welbeing of her bio mom but other then that my immediate and long term concern is for the safety, security and happiness of the child we adopted.

Answer 2

I did. I really did. I think this is a normal feeling..kinda like survivor guilt. My heart broke for her. I did meet her. I even hugged her. But it was clear that the kids needed to be somewhere safe. And that knowledge helped. Even now I sometimes start to feel a bit guilty, especially during moments of joy with my kids, but I remember that she made choices that led her  to this place, as sad as that is.

Answer 3

"I don't even have to meet her."

Oh but you do, you really, really do.

Don't take her past as a total judgement of who she is. Your child will want to know about her some day and you owe it to that child to provide as much info as you can, that includes having an actual conversation with her.

I would hate to think that my parents had the opportunity to meet my fmom but chose not to because of their own unfounded guilt.

Answer 4

If she's had 10 placements of other kids, she is making her choice, unless she is totally so mentally ill that she is unable to make decisions on her own.  The foster care system is designed to be temporary care for children.  There are many ways to get help to do the things required, like taking parenting courses, if a person asks how to get it done.  These people have so many opportunities to get their kids back.  It is very hard to lose a child if you don't want to, and work at getting the child back by doing EVERYTHING you're supposed to do.  

I adopted my son, and have offered open adoption.  I have felt the survivor's guilt in a way, but I know that his life would not be as good, if he were still alive, than what he is with me.  It's also a form of anger against the 1st moms for being able to give birth, and taking it for granted, when women like us would give anything to be pregnant and giving birth ourselves.  The feelings are there when it is private, foster, domestic, or international adoption.  It isn't your fault.  Do try to get as much information as possible, because one day, your child will want to meet his brothers/sisters, and his mother.  Fostering to adopt takes special people who are willing to take risks for the love of a child.  Good luck, and my prayers are with this child, that no matter what happens, he'll always be loved, hopefully by all of you.

Answer 5

YES, in many ways.

The greif was overwhelming. You need to not associate her loss with your "Gain", because you gain didn't cause her loss.

I think it's normal to feel that way. Hopefully your greif whill help you relate to you childs pain.

good question

ETA- we didn't foster to adopt, we did a private adoption.

Answer 6

I have worked with abused and neglected children in emergency shelters for 9 years now. This is often where kids are placed while a longer term plan is decided. I know what these kids go through, I have seen their struggles. It is often the case that they are placed back with their mothers and they end up back in care. This can happen several times where they go back and forth between home and us. It hurts them more every time. We do the best for them but we are only a short term fix and often it is harder for them to get that little bit of affection for the first time because they know what they are missing when they go back to a bad situation. Even a lot of foster homes break down and they come back to us. When they are finally placed in a home with someone who has compassion- it definetly appears you do- it is the greatest thing for them. With time they learn to heal trust and love in long term places with a consistent caregiver. You have to remember that there is a reason these children have been placed with you and if she is not doing what is required to keep her children, then she does not have the desire to raise them. It is still her choice of what to do at this point and she knows it. If she chooses not to do it then she choose not to get her children back it is that simple. You have not stolen her child, she let them go. This child you have recieved is deserving of so much more- don't have any guilt she has made her choices. Embrace this wonderful child and be proud of this wonderful journey you have taken on. Good Luck and thank -you for being a brave soul willing to love this child

Answer 7

Daily. I don't feel exactly the way you do, but I have many similar emotions. Most children in foster care legitimately need temporary or permanant homes. You did not buy or steal a child. You are providing a temporary home..for now. If she can get whatever is going on in her life straight, then the child can be returned to her. It is only when, after a minimum of 15 months has passed and she hasn't committed to working towards her goal, that they push for TPR.

As we near TPR in our case, my mind is often questioning. Will she suddenly start to show an interest; will she want to be involved in her child's life; does she want to know us--know how he is? We love this little boy more than life itself.....but we also know that until TPR, he very well could go back and be with his mom. Unlike private adoptions, foster-to-adopt tries to give the mother every possible chance to change her mind and/or make different decisions/seek out treatment, etc.

It is normal to feel the way you feel. Adoption, in any circumstance, is a loss--both for the first parents and the child. It is only natural to feel sad/guilty about the situation you are in. Extenuating circumstances in our child's case make it highly unlikely that the first parents will ever regain custody, but that doesn't negate the feelings I have about both their loss and my child's loss. It helps to talk about it with other foster-to-adopt parents and to former foster/adopt children.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 8

Hi.  You are not stealing her children and you are not doing anything wrong.  IN fact, you are doing everything right!

Foster kids come from homes where there is abuse and neglect.  The bio-parents have screwed up and it is their fault that their children have been removed.  Then, when they don't work their case plan and they don't do what they are supposed to, it is their fault again.  And honestly, many of them don't give a rat's *** about anything but themselves.

It is very difficult for a child to understand at first.  But, with love, caring, and consistency, children will recognize that you are indeed helping them (if not saving them).  You are giving them a second chance.  

As for meeting her.  Personally, I say forget that.  Why subject yourself to her issues and hardships.  If she wants her children back, she will fix herself.  If not, why do you want to know what she failed at.  Plus, there may be reason for your children to be angry or fearful of their bio-parents.  All you need to do is validate their feelings and listen.  

When they get older, they might choose to locate their bio-parents.  Let them deal with that.  Many foster kids DO NOT because life before was so horrible.

Friend ----- these parents also MADE A CHOICE by engaging in their behaviors that led the children into foster care.  So, in essence, they made a choice to give up their child.  (They choose their behaviors, - abuse, neglect, drugs, drinking - instead of their child)

Answer 9

We are currently in the process to adopt from foster care, so I understand what you are feeling.  I think those feelings show that you are a compassionate person. But, please, DO NOT own someone else's actions. CPS did not take her child away from her because of you. She knows what she has to do to get her child back, and if she does, I'm sure you will be saddened at losing them, but you know that going back to their fully functioning mother would be a good thing. However, if she chooses to not do the plan, then this child deserves to have a loving home with parents that will put THEM first. As for saying that private adoption would make you feel better because she was "making the choice to place..." well, in essence, by not working her plan and getting herself and her life in order, she is in fact making a choice. And none of that has anything to do with you. Good luck!!!!

Answer 10

Hi R,

Please meet the mother of your child and bring a camera.  Of course ask her permission first, if she agrees to the photo it will be a valued treasure.  Make a list of questions to ask her, here are some of my suggestions:

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite food?

Is there anything different or special you remember from your child's pregnancy?

Are you right handed or left handed?

What is your favorite song?

I think you get my point.  This was priceless information for my DD.  

We did not do a private adoption but we did do a domestic adoption.  Our DD's other mother did make the choice to choose us as parents to her child.  I do NOT feel better about it.  I witness the pain DD's other mother still suffers 10 years later because of adoption.  I worry and wonder and i am consumed with guilt that maybe with enough encouragement she could have parented DD.  I wouldn't wish THAT guilt trip on anyone, and i don't sleep well at night.