To tell or not to tell?

Question

A girlfriend of mine (I've know 20 yrs) has just recently said she's getting married. No one knows this guy, he just kind of surfaced from somewhere. She's one of the older females in our circle and the rest of us are long since married with kids. I honestly feel she's doing it out of desperation because she feels she's running out of time (mid 30s)she's said this several times. The guy she intends to marry is so not her type. I want to be happy for her getting married but not out of desperation. Should I tell her to take her time with the relationship or just keep quiet and wish her the best?

Answer 1

It would be ok to talk to her about and ask her to really think this thru before going forward since they have not been together very long and there's no rush. You can't tell her or instruct her to do anything, only present your concern. I would only be persisent or adamant if you feel that there is abuse involved. There are some mistakes in life people have to make on their own and on this issue you run the risk of alienating her. Even if she is doing it out of desperation, who's to say it wouldn't work?  

Answer 2

try to talk to her.... if she doesnt understand you...just wish her good luck

Answer 3

You should try and express your concern to her, but you need to make sure she knows that your are being caring, not controlling.

Tell her that now she's met the guy, she needs to make sure he is the one for her, because, as they say, 'you only marry once'.

Good luck with it and be prepared for her to be defensive and a bit brash with you, just let her know that you are just being her friend.

Good luck!

x

Answer 4

Tell her to take her time. My fiancee got married to his now ex-wife because it was "the next step" he was pushing 30 and she was pushing 35. They were both in that state of wanting to get married because it was the next thing to do. Now, they have 2 kids and are divorced. Tell her to really take her time.

Answer 5

I think you should bring it up to her, but in a nice way.  She may not listen to you, get mad, or not talk to you for a few weeks, but it'll still put the thought into her head.  Just let her know that you are there for her no matter what she decides.. and it is just an opinion, but something for her to think about.  A true friend would tell!

Answer 6

Keep quiet and wish her the best.

You already had your turn, you are all now married with kids. It's now HER time to get married and be happy.

Mid 30's in NOT desperate. I'm 34 and certainly not old, nor desperate.

Stop those tongues from waving.

Good luck

Answer 7

From my experience, I would suggest you to tell her. Talk heart to heart.

Don't let the status make her rushes to get married. Has she known the guy's personality?

My friend got married because of single status (she is also mid 30's), when I asked her why she wanted to get married soon, she said because just for status . but now they often argue and fight a lot, may be lack to find out more about spouse's personality.

You want her to be happy, don't you? Talk heart to heart.

But, one can fall for someone who is opposite to her/his or not her/his type.

Check this URL from dating to marriage complete guide

It is from online dating, throwing a wedding on a shoestring to bringing marriage to newlyweds again.

Answer 8

Talk to her.  She might not listen, but a true friend shares their misgivings because they want what is best for their friend even if it means losing their friendship.  If nothing else, it'll help you sleep at night if things do go really wrong that you spoke up and tried to help.

Answer 9

Friendship can put you in tricky situations. I would congratulate her, and ask how she fell in love. If she can't tell you that, then worry, and tell her to take her time. The right guy doesn't have to come in your twenties or even thirties, and if her fiance' isn't the right guy she should risk heartache and happiness just to say "I have a husband."

Answer 10

Do not saying anything, unless you want to cause a rift in the friendship. There is no way for you to know exactly what their relationship is like, so how can you say he is not the right type for her?

Answer 11

This was sooo my sister.  She is a college graduate.  She met this guy at a wedding and well he's a bum.  Low class no education no ambition but to sponge off her.  She wanted to get married because she was in her late 20's and all her friends were getting married or they already were.  I already had a baby and our youger sister was engaged. I swear she got married for the wedding.

Everyone tried to talk her out of it.  We all could see what he was and it was not good at all.  His own mother would not allow him into her home unless his brother was there too.  What does that tell you?  His best friend tried very hard to talk her out of marrying the man but she would not listen to anyone.

It was a disaster.  He drank and gambled and spent up her money as fast as she made it.  He cheated and would disappear for days at a time.  He all but ruined our brother's wedding by getting drunk and disorderly and picking fights with other guests.  Our brother the cop had to call some cop buddies to come haul him away.

He stole from her and from anyone foolish enough to let him into their home.  He lied constantly and towards the end he was verbally abusive and I suspect physical abuse was in the early stages but she would never admit to that.

Finally she woke up and went to get a divorce.  First he tried to frighten her by finding all sorts of lines in the Bible that seemed to condemn divorce.  Then he demanded unreasonable amounts of money and refuesed to leave the home.  Again our brother the cop had to come to her rescue one night after he actually smashed a hole in the wall trying to hit my sister.

Do what you can to talk her out of it but do not be surprised if she does not listen to you, my sister would not listen to any of the dozens of people that tried.  Just be there to support her and to catch her and help her when it all comes crashing down.

Answer 12

I think the best course of action would be to just go for lunch with her and just ask her questions casually and listen to her answers and find out if she's truly happy with the decision or if not why not. Let her answer her own insecurities and see it for herself. Just help her this way. :)

Answer 13

i'm sure she would appreciate the concern, but it's really none of your business. if it is a mistake, she'll have to find that out on her own

Answer 14

honestly, you will have to just keep quiet. My friend met a guy the last week of March and got engaged 2 weeks later. The entire family doesn't like the guy. He is almost 40 and owns nothing! No credit, no money, etc. He is really using her. I think they genuinely like each other but you can tell its only for a wedding. We have tried to tell her to take her time but she won't listen to anyone and gets mad if we say something.

Answer 15

Im blunt and i would tell her to take her time. But you never know if it will make her resent you.

I've told friends how I feel and they got mad, so sometimes I don't say anything. My fiances best man started talking to a high school friend now within 3 months they are engaged! I think its totally stupid and I think they are doing it just because they are the kind of people who want to be on top of the others. SO them seeing us get married pushed them to engagement.  

Answer 16

you should discuss it with her, as divorce is even more of a heartache than not getting married.

however, you may consider that this guy may be the type she always wanted but never dated before, hence the never marrying until now