To those of you that are adopted:?

Question

I have been searching for years for my son that was placed for adoption twelve years ago, and just found him about a week ago. He is only 14 (almost 15), but from what I have read is unhappy with the way his adoptive parents are treating him, and is having problems in his life. I want more than anything to talk to him, but am afraid it is a bad idea. My question is...at 14 years old, would you have wanted your biological mother to contact you, or would it have freaked you out and make you not want anything to do with her?

Answer 1

Please don't be offended, but NO.  I can say that as an adult now, maybe if I was answering when I was 14 or 15 I would have answered differently.  But as I had a very normal. childhood not the ones I read about here, that would have messed me up and would have brought my mother's worst fears to reality.  My bio mother gave me up, she lost the right to have a part in my life.  I have made contact with her as an adult....but that was even harder than I thought it would be.

Answer 2

It's hard to advise.  You left out too many details that are important to know.  

You didn't say if you gave the child up voluntarily, or if he was taken from you by the authorities?  You didn't say anything about why you had to give him up.  So it's impossible to know if you would be a good parent to him.  

If the adoption was legal, a contact from you at this time would be considered as a threat to take him away from his adoptive parents.  At this point, you have no legal standing.  That means you're not in a position to parent him.

Most boys at age 14 are "unhappy" with their parents.  That doesn't mean they are mistreating him.  Often it's a normal parent / child discord.  And how do you know he's unhappy?  Where did you get your "information"???

It seems to me that the best and most legal thing to do would be to wait until he's age 18, and then send him a note explaining who you are, and telling him that, if he'd like to get to know you, you'd be happy to meet him and develop a relationship.  

Talk to a counselor... a family psychologist...  for more guidance... to see why you feel this need ... and to learn if you're actually ready for a relationship with him...  Just because you think you are and want to be in his life, does NOT prove that you are ready or able to be in his life.

I suspect you'd cause a lot of problems for the adoptive parents, and the boy as well if you make contact now.  

cw

Answer 3

I can only speak for myself. I grew into my teens with so many identity problems. I couldnt connect with anyone, I felt so isolated because I didnt look like anyone and my family had completely different views and interests than me. I felt so alone. I was confused and sad and my adoptive parents hid things from me and made me feel guilty about feeling sad about my adoption. They would say things like "we love you, we have given you so much, we painted your room, we sent you to an excellent school (which wasnt true cos I was being bullied)" they werent' listening to what I was saying. I knew what they had given me, they never acknowledged the fact that I had lost my birth parents...ever...they still don't.

However, one birthday (my 15th) i asked "who's that guy who visits me every birthday?" and my mum said "your birth grandad darling" I was sooo angry, there is no word to describe it, I had been anguishing for years, every day and here was someone standing right in front of me EVERY birthday since I was adopted into this family (at 5 months) and my parents had the nerve to hide this from me. THe followig birthday was nerve racking, this time I was meeting him for the first time, because now I knew who he really was. But after meeting him, a lot of the grief and anger went, I felt a lot less isolated, my grandad had interests identical to mine, he looked like me, he talked about my mother and my aunts, i felt a connection, finally in the world, I wasnt alone.

So basically, go ahead.

Answer 4

IS his adoption open or closed. I assume closed because you had to search for him. It is illegal for the parents to contact a child who has been through a closed adoption.

I do not think you should contact him. I know you want to but at 14 years old there are a lot of confusing things going on in his life. Let his parent have the opportunity to deal with those things without interferring. I'm adopted myself and if my bio-parents would have contacted me at 14 i would not be who I am today. I would have ran away so that I could go "home". I was very confused about where or what home really was.

I hated the way my adopted parents treated me, that is untill I relized they were being good parents who loved me. I was in and out of foster homes when I was young and figured these people who adopted me would one day leave me too.  one day I grew up and relized all my adopted parents did was love me and raise me the best they could.  

Today I know my bio-mother and we have a good friendship, I'm glad I did have to grow up with her raising me though, she is a bit strange.

Answer 5

Do the a-parents know you know about him?  Maybe you should contact them and see where it goes.  They may think it would be good for him.

I do know from experience of being a 14 year old boy that it is a very turbulent time in their life.  They are growing very fast and rapidly finishing puberty.  Testosterone is flowing.  That can make them very unpredictable and do strange things.  You should tread very cautiously with only his best interest in mind.

Answer 6

honestly.... 14-18 is a really hard time for ANY  child. I went through the normal teenaged stuff and when I was mad at my parents I blamed alot of it on being adopt. Looking back I know that adoption wasnt the reason I was unhappy, it is just a miserable phase in a teenagers life.

If you want my honest opinion I would wait untill he is older at least 18. If you cantact him now, you will help to drive a wedge between him and his parents which I doubt you want to do. But he will look at you are the perfect answer to his unhappyness ( which probably isnt the trusth its just being a teenager, and dealing with rules and changes) and he will resent his parrents even more ( picturing his perfect life with you) Which unfortunantly probably wouldnt be the case ( having nothing to do with you, its just that point in his life) but at that age its a really hard point for massive life changes, beyond what is supposed to happen.

I would say as hard as it is wait untill he is 18 or 21 and give him some time to find himself first, to help him better cope with his identity when meeting you.

Answer 7

at 14 I wanted to pretend I wasn't adopted...I was still in "the fog" as many call it...so I know at that time I wouldn't have wanted it....had it happened, though, perhaps my feelings would have been different?

Answer 8

OMG! No, wait it out all 14 yr olds are unhappy. I was misserable at that age, but I turned out happy and stable, I know for a fact if my bio family had gotten involved that wouldn't be the case. I needed to find myself first and be ready. Mabey a nice letter to his parents would be more appropriate. My sisters biofamily keep intouch through my parents, then when she was ready my parents introduced them. I really think you should wait untill he is atleast 18.

Answer 9

For everyday of my childhood - I wished and wished that my mother would come looking for me.

She didn't.

*sad*

I hope you can reach out to him somehow.

At least give him the option of contact - if he wants it.

You may have to do that through the adoptive parents - as he is still a minor - hopefully they won't be selfish about it - and let you start up contact - as it's what is best for adoptees - to know their first mothers - and to know their truth.

Being adopted didn't delete my first mother.

It just gave me another mother.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

Let me start by saying that I am not adopted. If you feel that he is being mistreated or abused and you have proof, I would totally step in whether it is anonymously or letting yourself be known. I am curious though how you know that he is not happy with the way he is being treated. Was this an adoption through family or friend?

Answer 11

No. Leave him alone. You made your choice (a good one) so give him a real chance, the people who adopted him love him, and you are just trying to find an excuse to ease your guilt, not to help him.

Answer 12

I have always wanted my natural mother to contact me and it wouldn't have mattered if I was 14 or 40.Any adopted person always have questions and it doesn't matter what age they are.If I was you I would contact his adoptive parents first and try to arrange a meeting with them and,hopefully,with your son after that.Good luck.

Answer 13

I would have loved for my fmom to contact me at 14... If she had I am sure my life could have been much better.

Answer 14

EVERY 14 year old is unhappy with the way his parents are treating him.

I was adopted at birth.  I began searching when I turned 18 and it took 13 years.  My birth mother was just like you--she didn't have any hope of finding me because of the way the records were sealed up.  However, if she had found me when I was 14 or 15, I can only imagine the strife it would have caused in my family.

Wait 3 years--you've waited 12 already.

Raising teenagers can't be easy (my little ones aren't that old yet) and think of the trouble you would cause his parents.

Answer 15

I was seriously messed up at 14...ok, I've been messed up my whole life...but I think I would have really liked to meet my nmom, it may have helped with my feelings of disconnection and not being wanted.  I may not have had the emotional maturity to appreciate it then in the same way I do now, but I really think it wouldn't have been a positive thing for me.

She did finally search for me and found me when I was 24. It made me so happy that she took the time and effort to look for me.  It still means a lot to me that she looked for me, that she didn't just wait for me to find her.

Answer 16

I tried to picture my Mom's face in my minds eye every single day when I was a child.   I dreamed of her contacting me.   My dream never came true until I was 37 years old - that's too long.

My adoptive parents were great; but I still wanted to see her face so bad.

Some people are different.  Some people are angry at having been given up and will say they were happy never to have contact and would never search.  So you can never predict the outcome.