To those of you who are adopted?

Question

Did you feel loved by your adoptive family? were you happy in you adoptive home? what could your adoptive family/parents done to make things better for you?

the reason I'm asking is

I want to adopt my 4 year old foster son, we have been a family for 1 year, he is a delight.

the bio mom has relinquished her rights (life prison term)

and bio dad is deceased.

I want to provide him with a happy loving family and home, I want to aviod the pitfalls of other adoptive mothers.

Thanks in advance

Answer 1

myself and my 3 sisters got adopted by the same family. it was REALLY hard for me to accept them as my parents, i couldn't tell them  "i love you" untill after the birth of my daughter.  just make sure ur not making it seem like u are his birth mother, or tell him that his birth parents never loved him, and that u love him more. i had to deal with that. my adoptive mom wanted my little sisters to feel like she was their REAL mom. and now they are older, and they don't want to be around her. it's hard i know. but just make sure he knows u love him , and that ur not trying to replace his birth mom. i hope this helps. and just know that it might be tough  for u guys. and make sure u tell him about his birth parents, if he has questions. thats one thing my parents lacked on. and i hated them for it.

Answer 2

He obviously needs a home, moving him on again will only be more stressful for him.

My dad was adopted and even now does not want to know about his bio's.

My dad said he was always appreciative his adoptive parents never hid the fact he was adopted from him, its something he grew up knowing so there was never a downfall or shock.

Though i would hold on to info like that just in case he ever does or as in the likes of myself, his future children may want to know their family tree for instance :)

Answer 3

I did feel loved by my adoptive family, I was not happy in their home, they seemed to care so much about their possessions, it made me feel like I couldn't touch anything.

I hope the best for you and your foster son.

Answer 4

Unqualified YES.

The only thing that could have been different would have been being able to be in contact with my bio family all along.

If your son has siblings, you should encourage that contact, and you  should not discourage him from asking questions about his first family.   Don't idealize them, but be truthful with your son in an age appropriate way.

Oh.. changing his name...

DO add your last name to his name.  

DO discuss with him adding  a new first or middle name to celebrate his becoming one of your family forever, (follow his feeling on this, and give him choices of names that you like), DON'T take away any names he already has. (unless they are cause for ridicule!)

Answer 5

I am an adult adoptee. I did feel my adopive parents loved me. They gave me the best life they could. The one thing I wish they had done different was to have been honest with me. They did not tell me I was asopted and I found out on my own by accident. That was very traumatic.

However that won't be an issue with your foster son. Just be honest when he has questions about his birth family. If you knwo the answers be as honest with him as his age permits, if you don't know then tell him you don't.

Good Luck

Answer 6

Thank you for asking.  What a kind question.

What you can do to make your son's life better:

-Do not verbally 'run down' (or let anyone else do this) his mother.  I know she's in prision, but he will know that.  And he is a part of HER.  Maybe you could start off by telling him she has made bad choices.

-Do not let others tell him how lucky he is.  Remind them and him that YOU are the 'lucky' ones to have him in YOUR life.

-Do not say anything about him not 'growing in your tummy' and that he 'grew in your heart instead'.  Adopted kids don't appreciate this, and it implies that his birth was a mistake.

-Let him have a relationship with her--however limited.

-Let him have pictures of his bio parents.

-Remember, it is not a contest.  It's not you against the woman in prison.  Let him have her, he HAS you in the flesh.

-Try to let him have relationships with extended relatives, if possible.

-Please do not change his first name.  Can you keep his surname as his middle name?

Thanks for caring!

Answer 7

I'm not an adoptee, but have adopted 3 of our (previously) foster children.  I hope that our kids would say that they're happy - we've really tried to make a good life for them.  I tell them they didn't come from my tummy, but from my heart.  Whether the kids are adopted or "natural", the best thing we can do for them is to love, love, love them!  That's what every child needs and deserves!  I say go for it!

Answer 8

My son was adopted by his foster parents and it has truly been a wonderful thing for him... as far as I know anyhow. I was coerced into relinquishing my rights but he seems well adjusted, or he did the last time I saw him 6 years ago.

It becomes a question of the lesser of two evils. His mother has relinquished, his father is dead. Do you allow the child to live a life of bouncing from home to home? Or do you take him in as your own and parent him as he deserves to be parented?

Kind of a no brainer in my opinion. Adoption is not an evil thing, adopters are not evil people! There is a time, place and set of circumstances that make adoption the most joyous and wonderful thing on the planet. Your circumstances seem to be just that! Go for it. Without you where will he be?

Answer 9

I think that  you sound like you would be a great mom and that you should adopt him because i think that you will make him feel loved and at home and that he will always love you for taking him in when his bio mother could not provide for him.

My Nana was adopted and she has nothing good to say about her bio parents they just gave her away basically when she was 2. And she always has good things to say about her adopted mother.

Answer 10

my father was adopted and my husband and i are strongly considering it ourselves. in the research we have done and the people we have talked to the most consistent thing is that boys really don't want to know about their biological families and develope strong ties to their new family. my dad is the same way its the people who raise you that matter not who gave birth to you. girls are a bit more inquisitive (i know I'd be) but in the end if you can provide the kind of stable and loving home that little boy needs then go for it. just remember that when he is mad at you and he says things like " you're not even my real mom" not to take it to heart. good luck I'm so happy to see someone like you who is willing to be a mother to a little boy without one.

Answer 11

YES YES YES, ADOPTED HIM ,DO YOU LOVED HIM? I KNOW IT IS YES SO JUST DO IT HE WILL LOVE YOU.MAYBE SOME BUMP IN THE ROAD BUT LOVE ALL THAT LOVE YOU WILL BRING IN TO HIS HEART.YOU KNOW YOUR ADOPTED TOO WE ALL ARE.....GOD LOVE YOU

Answer 12

Actually, I'm not adopted. but i think you should adopt this kid.  adopted kids will feel weird and will try to know a lot about their real family, but in the other hand they will appreciate the work of their adopting parents in raising them and giving him a great home..

so, good luck

Answer 13

I am. And We like our own space. Give us free time and ask if we want to do cclubs and stuf. We love quality time with foster parents!

Answer 14

I was adopted but my situation was very different from yours and from your foster child's.  

I agree with those who have advised you let him know you are not trying to replace his mother.  I made this clear to my stepdaughter (she was 4 when she came into my life) and, though I loved and cared for her as a mother should, I never tried to usurp her mother's place in her life.  I showed her respect for who she was, who she dreamed to be, and where she came from.  That went a long way in making ours a great relationship.

Answer 15

I was adopted at 1 month old. I LOVE my parents very much!!! I could not have asked for a better family. I f you wish to adopt him please do, it will make him feel like he belongs.

Answer 16

Gosh, go ahead and adopt him if you can!

My husband was adopted and he adores his adoptive father. He gets along well with his adoptive mother, too. He knows he had a great upbringing.

Seven years ago, he met his biological mother. He'd had a health scare and was trying to get medical information from the adoption agency. They didn't have it but he found out his biological mother was interested in a reunion. The reunion did not work out as his biological mother had a lot of emotional problems that were made worse by him coming back into her, but he's still very happy with his life.

Pitfalls: my husband regrets the fact that his parents ignored his ethnicity instead of including it in family celebrations. For example, they did Italian things because my mother-in-law is Italian, and they did Danish things because my father-in-law is Danish, but they just ignored my husband's ethnicity. He would have liked to have it acknowledged.

Another pitfall: they let other people describe their family as: T____ and C___ are your real children and M___ is the adopted one. As if an adopted child is not a real child! It would have been better if they defended my husband's "reality" to these ignorant people, but they felt it was too impolite to say so.

Another pitfall: both my in-laws had trouble understanding that my husband would not have the same interests and tastes that they had simply because he was exposed to their interests all his life. They inadvertently squelched some of his natural talents and abilities because they didn't understand them or how to foster them.

I hope you can adopt your foster son soon. Congratulations!

Answer 17

I am happy is so is my brother. My moom and dad got him when he was four and they love him. They really couldnt have done anything to make things better. Living with them was great:):):) We also adopted our daughter as well and love her just as if she was our own.If you have the chnce to adopt this little boy then do so. That way he can stay with a family that he knows and loves. Good luck

Answer 18

No and No.  They were an infertile couple who purchased me to provoke the creation of a family.  I grew up feeling like property.

I'm not sure if they could have done anything, but your situation sounds very different from mine.  It sounds like he already has a connection with his natural mother - Good - he will need it the long run and so will she.

Answer 19

I admire you for asking an important question to people who are best able to answer it.  

I am not an adoptee, but am in a position to add a few things here.  I think as long as you treat your child with unconditional love, everything will be fine.  

A few more things to keep in mind.  

One is, do not change the child's name.  

Another is to have information on biological parents available to your child if when he asks, and deliver it in an age appropriate yet truthful way.  Support him if he wants to research his biological heritage.  Do not be afraid that he will 'choose his birthmother over you'.  For many adoptees, the search for their heritage has nothing to do with 'choosing' anything.  It is simply a part of reclaiming parts of one's true self.  

the last one is to avoid the temptation to compare the child to herself or to what your biological children may be or may have been like, as he grows older.  See your child as a unique individual and connect with him based on shared values and mutual respect.  That will likely involve accepting that he will be different from you.  

I am wishing you love and the very best on your journey.

Answer 20

Absolutely felt much love from my adoptive family. Could not have hand picked better parents myself. Just give him as much love and attention as you possibly can, but do not be afraid to discipline him. I think you are a wonderful person for being a foster parent and wanting to give this precious child a loving and stable home. Please remember, IF he ever says things to the effect of you aren't my real mom and I don't have to do this or that, just don't take it to heart. Because litttle ones say or do things that are mean because they haven't figured out how to channel their emotions. I will be praying for you and your hopeful adoption. God Bless You!!!!!!!

Answer 21

Yes! I'm very happy! I still deal with a little issues as to why my mother gave me up.Why she couldn't kick her drug habit. But i have two wonderful loving parents, i can't ask for anything more. I would suggest to always be open and honest with him. My parents were and i deeply respect them for that. If he asks questions about his birth mother try to answer them.(i know her being in prison you may have to limit some answers). Always remind him of how much you love him and that this birth mother loves him.  You sound like a great person and i'm sure you will raise your nephew in a very loving enviroment. the best to you!

Answer 22

I know someone who couldn't ask for any better adoptive parents. They are the sweetest people i know. All you should do is help them with homework do weekly or daily stuff with them like take them to the movies.