To those people who are 'against' adoption, or at least in some circumstances?

Question

Do you think that just occasionally you could resist the urge to place your (at times narrow minded) spin on each and every valid question relating to an aspect of adoption?

You are asking everyone to be respectful of YOUR adoption experiences and realities, why are you unable to show others that same respect?

For some adoptees, parents through adoption, and parents through birth, adoption is the most wonderful, beautiful and awe inspiring miracle that could ever have occured. Clearly this has not been your experience(s), but for some it is.

I think most people do understand that not all adoption realities are such, but please don't make it your mission in life to try and sour other's positive experiences with your negatively coloured views.

I wish all of you the best, apologies for this not being a question as such, but please feel free to respond.

Answer 1

Are you kidding me? Is this a joke?

Try reversing this as if someone who doesn't believe in adoption as it currently stands were asking you the same post, and tell me if you think its respectful.

I'm saddened by many things in your question. People don't take what I say seriously. Or don't read it or something because the above is so typical.

How many times must an adoptee say they love their aparents and didn't have a "bad experience" but still believe the injustices in adoption must stop and adoptees must be treated equal to non adopted people.

Just because one doesn't support the unethical standards in American adoption practices doesn't mean I had a bad experience, it means I believe in equality for my adopted brothers and sisters.

Because people advocate for an ethical approach to adoption doesn't mean we try and "sour" others's positive experiences.

And even if an adoptee DID have a bad experience and wanted to share about it amoung your happy experiences that isn't a reason to be silenced. If you don't like reading it, skip over the reader. Its a public forum where all answers are accepted within respectful guidelines, i've read the terms of service. INFACT! Yahoo even violated me because someone on here didn't like my answer, but after protest, and a quick review by them *since it was automatic* my post was restored and points returned, violation removed, because no, it wasn't rude, it didn't violate a SINGLE terms of service, it just wasn't with the flow of happy adoption.

Well lady, let me tell you because i'm sure you've told adoptees this a thousand times, IF THE WORLD WAS A PERFECT PLACE there probably wouldn't be people like us, because there wouldn't be adoption anyways and then you wouldn't be upset over this. BUT the WORLDS NOT PERFECT, so you just have to accept that at times not everyone is going to feel the same as you, nor do they have to stop talking about it, just because you don't agree, or like to listen. Chances are, they feel the exact same way you do about them, twords you. And I leave YOU with this question....

If you had a human slave, and the slave was advocating freedom and equality, but YOU directly benefited off of the slaves free labor, would you tell them that they needed to hush because slavery was BEAUTIFUL to you, and for them to stop souring up the POSITIVE experience you were recieving from it?

I don't think so. But then again, maybe you would?

No I will not be silenced, ever. But thank you for asking.

"reading the above replies" and i'm inclined to say... if i hear one more person tell me "at least they chose life for you" and really, do you know that? infact, when you're upset about something is that the first thing that comes to YOUR mind? At least my mother chose me life, what do I have to be sorry about, she chose LIFE for me! Thank you mom!!

When the safe haven babies grow up and say they want to find their parents who the public so graciously applauded for dropping them off anonymously will the public tell them to be quiet and grateful they weren't in dumpsters? May the lord have mercy on these ignorant souls.

Come on people. You have no idea if abortion was even considered, don't assume we should be thankful to be alive just because we are adopted.

Talk about ugly stereotypes

Answer 2

Adoption is great for most people.  Just because some people get a bad view of it because of their "peers" or their close-mindedness, doesn't mean everyone will have a hard time with it.  I'm sorry to anyone who has problems with it, but at least someone chose life for you, actually, at least two people did; your birth mother/father, and your adoptive family who gave you a life.

Answer 3

Ok so when someone comes on here and says they want to find their natural parents and they dont know how to tell their aparents, people like YOU tell them that they should be grateful, and not to be so selfish.  Tell them they are rude and "how could you hurt your parents like that".  You don't think THAT'S narrow minded?  No one wants to think that adoption is bad and that it hurts people, BUT IT DOES.  You can't change that just because you don't like it.  Some things aren't just a matter of opinion, somethings are based on FACT.

Edit:  I never said that you yourself told people they should be grateful, I said people LIKE you.  You can read it right up there ^  and how would I know whether you have said that or not?  You are acting just like the people who do say it.

Answer 4

I couldn't help but notice that in writing about the "wonderful, beautiful, awe inspiring miracle" of adoption that you did not include first families (that would be "birth" families for the less respectful).  So, I deduce that you recognize that, for first families, adoption is something other than "wonderful, beautiful, and awe inspiring"?  Why does it bother you so much that people who have been hurt by adoption have a voice and use it to warn others to consider all aspects of adoption for they choose adoption (that would exclude adoptees who have no choice)?

I think that people who are less than happy-clappy about adoption have taken off the rose-coloured glasses and recognize that adoption is painful for first families, that not all adoptees bond with their new families and most feel a sense of loss, that child trafficking is common practice in some countries, and that many adoption agencies use coercive practices to obtain infants for their paying customers.

Other than that - sure - adoption is just wunnerful.

Answer 5

All of this back and forth arguing is very sad.  Everyone should be allowed to have an opinion and express it.  However, when we start calling adoptive birth parents "baby stealers" and first-moms or birth-moms "druggies" or "selfish", I think that a line has been crossed.  I think everyone needs to realize that your experience is relavent to you and although sharing may be helpful to others, there is a way to share without stereotyping everyone else.

Answer 6

"Do you think that just occasionally you could resist the urge to place your (at times narrow minded) spin on each and every valid question relating to an aspect of adoption?"

A little overly dramatic don't you think? I hardly think that each and every valid question here is infiltrated by those who don't share your views. How do you get by in life if you can't stand it when someone doesn't think like you?

EDITED:

Actually Ms. Snickette - I did read your question - twice - and nowhere in it does it say that YOU accept that not all adoption experiences are positive. Nowhere. And not only does it not say that, but you call our views "at times narrow minded." Maybe I think it's narrow minded for people to not want to hear all aspects of adoption, the good, the bad and the greedy because it's only through the process of educating oneself that one can become a better parent for their child.

And by the way, not everyone that wants reform and talks about the painful loss that adoption is for them are against adoption.

Answer 7

To those people who are 'happy-happy' adoption?

Do you think that just occasionally you could resist the urge to place your (at times narrow minded) spin on each and every valid question relating to an aspect of adoption?

You are asking everyone to be respectful of YOUR adoption experiences and realities, why are you unable to show others that same respect?

Hmmmmm - see - a little twist on the words - and the same could be asked of you.

Society deems that adoption is all HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY - and therefore - until now - adoptees have NEVER been allowed to voice their real feelings. (so as not to upset those that gain the most from the adoption - the adoptive parents)

Well - adoptees have finally found their voices - and no - we will NOT be thankful forever more for not being aborted and thrown in the trash can - and we will not be silenced.

This is a public forum.

If you don't like an answer - skip over it.

That shouldn't be too hard for you - really???

Answer 8

Yeah, I do understand there are many positives in adoption for adoptive parents. That will not EVER in a MILLION YEARS prevent me from answering honestly when an expectant mom shares that she is considering placing, she is looking for her child, an adoptee is wanting to search for their biomom etc...

There are so many answers that I think are just plain ignorant, I am really glad that some of us are willing to give encouragement to people despite that it will make adoptive parents sick of hearing it.

There are many places that are fairly protective of adoptive parents feelings, like adoption oasis I believe? If you google it, you will find it.

Here my fellow adoptees and bioparents will get the most sincere answers I can give, I can't say I am right about everything, only that I am sincere.

OR from sharing concerns when an adoptive parent is saying they are participating in an adoption that sounds really potentially unethical. SOME adoptive parents really don't WANT to do anything unethical and appreciate hearing other perspectives, although I also appreciate that no one can hear through an attack...

(Like most people won't hear what you're saying because you've coming of strong and attacking also)

Answer 9

i think thats sad if you're "against" adoption.  one day i will have biological children but i hope to adopt a little boy or girl from russia.

Answer 10

As an adoptive mother I like what you've said.   As a biological mother as well, I know that the quality of the relationship with a child one didn't give birth to can be every bit the same as the one with the child one has herself.

Not all adoptees "have issues".

I've seen how my nurturing has resulted in all my kids having some things in common, and I know how nurturing in the first three years of a child's life actually alters their brain connections.  In other words, adoptive parents play a role in the "building" of the person.

Every time the news has one of those stories about an animal of one species who "adopts" an animal of a different species it makes my heart pound a little to see evidence that adoption is as natural as maternal instinct is for some mothers.

Last week there was a piece on the news about a little dog who adopted five baby squirrels and was feeding them even though she hadn't had puppies in five years.  The other side to that is the world is full of people raised by biological mothers who don't have a shred of maternal instinct.  Motherhood and adopting are both natural as long as someone has done something horrible to destroy what is natural.

Throughout my son's childhood I found that I had to be a warrior of sorts, always defending my relationship with him and fending of people who were more than ready to say things to him that would undermine his sense of sureness and security.  Since he's been grown, I've found that adoptive mothers are often seen as "out to get someone else's baby".

I happened to be able to have babies myself.  I just knew this infant, who had been through a really rough beginning, needed someone to be a loving mother; and I believed the only way I could be sure that he'd have a good childhood and lots of love was to become that mother to him.  I took my role very seriously and believed that if you take it upon yourself to be the mother to a child you didn't have you had better do a super-great job of it.

These days, as you say, we hear about the problems of adopted people and the heartbreak of birth mothers - and adoptive mothers, who usually expect to support their child if/when he wants to meet his birth mother, are seen as the people who benefitted the most out of the misery of others.

One time years ago I was talking about how I felt that God had sent me this child as a gift, and I couldn't imagine what I'd done to deserve him.  The person I was talking with said, "Has it ever occurred to you that you were sent as a gift to him?"   It actually hadn't.

With the trend in open adoptions and all the talk about how children need to have their birth mothers in their life, I've always believed that children need one mother and one father at a time, and that open adoption (with the birth mother in the picture) runs the risk of both watering down the adoptive mother's relationship with her child and creating a situation where she is seen as an unpaid foster mother for 18 years, at which time the child will go back with the birth mother.

If you were to look through some of my long answers on here, you'd see that I've kind of made it my mission to speak on behalf of the adoptive relationship now that my son is grown, and I can talk about raising an adopted child as an experience of the past.

More people do need to speak out about that "miracle" of adoption because when you've experienced it you can see how awesome and powerful and strong adoption can be.

Answer 11

I am an adoptee.  

I have a wonderful adopted family.  They're amazing.

However having a wonderful adopted family and a positive experience as far as that side of adoption goes, does not necessarily mean I am automatically pro-adoption.

Its important to separate two factors.

1.  Being abandoned by your mother and father who DIDN'T choose to give me life, they were just too late to do anything about it, and the father denied paternity anyway, and my mother wanted me so much, that she gave me away.

2. Being adopted by a mother and father who loved me unconditionally, gave me a great start to life, which is lucky considering many of my adopted friends were not given such loving aparents.

As you can see there is an emotion and depth of pain behind many an adoptee's words, which I imagine comes across as 'angry'.    But I for one, can't help but be angry.  Wouldn't you be angry if you were made to feel so insignificant by the person who created you?  Given away, and some of us were even sold, like a commodity, for money.  

It's degrading, insulting and insensitive to tell me that I should be HAPPY about that.  

Most  adoption-related debates are about biological parents, and adopted parents.  

Adoptee's, as they are usually babies or small children when their adoption is decided for them, don't have a voice.

As adults, we are finally able to speak our truth, and that is what we are doing.  We are the first of many generations who are doing this and expressing the pain we have felt ALL of our lives.

I am not sorry if you don't like what I say, or if you don't agree.  I don't need you to.  I only want my right to freedom of speech.

Perhaps you can understand though, that if you don't want to listen for one minute about my feelings and thoughts - then imagine what it's like for me, living with them, every single day.

There is no right or wrong.  Everyone's perspective is valid to their own reality.  Adoptees just want to be heard, without being told to not 'offend anyone'.  

Even though, to me, there is nothing more offensive than my mother giving me away.

Answer 12

Well its nice to read a rant about something other than the McCanns.

I'm all for fostering and adoption and only hope that I can adopt a child from one of china's orphanages before I get too old.

Answer 13

Is this an example of a "valid" question?

Because it seems more like a biased directive.

Answer 14

I have to start by saying I think  adoption is great, in fact I myself was adopted as a young child.

I also think your post is very angry and negative - and you're not going to get a serious answer because of it.  If you want to plea topeople who view things differently, this is the wrong approach.  All you're going to get are insults - a lot of people calling YOU narrow minded, and they just might be right.  Think about how you'd feel if you saw a post attacking your beliefs in the way you're attacking others here.

Maybe you didn't intend things to come out the waythey did, but I can tell you with almost 100% certianty that SOMEONE'S going to send a violation notice to you if you irritate the right person.