To watch another person raise your child---how difficult or easy is it?

Question

I have a belief that i will leave out of it.

As an aparent, adoptee, first parent, or pap----what do you believe?

Its okay, easy, hard or what to stand by and watch someone else that you may have chosen raise your child.

Answer 1

I know how hard it is for me to see my oldest boys step-mother parent them. Even though we get along pretty well, it still sucks to see her being a parent to them.

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for an mother (or father) that trusted someone else to raise their child. Knowing they have no real input on the beliefs and values you are instilling in their child.

Answer 2

Let me tell you what my mother has said to me more than once.

Had there been the 'open adoption' option--she says she would have kidnapped me the first chance she had.  She says open adoption would have made her NUTS.

I can't even imagine my kids having step-parents!  Cripes, if they were being raised by other people I'd be certifiable.

ETA: John S.: If you'd read "The Girls Who Went Away",

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Awa...

you'd understand my mother and her generation.  These were 'good girls' who COULD NOT keep their babies.  There was no family support, and NO welfare, WIC, et al. There were no meth heads, crack whores.  These girls were Homecoming queens and student council members.  Really a different era.  Coulda been your mother--she just got lucky.

My mother has very strong opinions--just like her daughter.  Neither of us are influenced by others--no herd mentality, believe me.

But just like the person who has a life sentence in prison, she had 22 years to go over HOW she could have made things different, and over it, and over it.

That's why I always preach, "Adoption is a PERMADENT ‘solution’ to a temporary PROBLEM".

Answer 3

Good question. I think many Ap's don't care one way or the other, otherwise, they wouldn't try to keep a child isolated or away from their natural parents until they're 18.   Its serves no purpose other than their delusion that the child will not want to ever be involved with their nfamily.

I believe based on what I've observed that many nmoms force themselves to "pretend" that its for the best otherwise they will go insane.

Answer 4

I can only imagine.It must be the hardest decision ever made to give away your own flesh & blood but if you know they will have a better life then they should try to take comfort in that.

I am currently awaiting the final adoption of my grandaughter who is now 4. My daughter is the birth mother and I know it hurts her but she chose her then husband over having this baby, which placed her in a situation with CSB. We intervened to keep the child from going to strangers, and we've had her since she was 1 & love her dearly. My daughter lives out of state so can't visit her but we have made the trip up there.

Having her is bittersweet to me, because I love my daughter so much & the child looks just like her & sometimes when I make over her, my heart grieves that she isn't able to be with her own mother. It makes me sad. All I can do is let her feel as much love as possible & help her grow up happy & wanted.

Answer 5

From my adoptive parent POV:

I believe it must be a fresh h**l.

Even if you honestly believed to your very core that relinquishment was the right decision, I don't see how it couldn't feel like deep cuts.

Answer 6

I am a fgrandma and I haven't had the opportunity to even watch someone else raise my grandson.  I got to meet him once and it didn't bother me to  see someone else caring for him but I must admit that sometimes I feel like we are missing out big time.  

I think that it is unfair that they have gotten to see all of his milestones and we haven't and that they continue to want to exclude us from his life.  We are a very stable and loving family with strong family bonds.  They have no grounds for keeping him from us except for their own selfishness.  

I think that it would be great to be able to see first hand that they take good care of him and that he is loved unconditionally. The thing that bothers me is if they loved him unconditionally then they would not allow him to have his nfather and nfamily (who did not willing relinquish him for adoption) banned from his life.  Now that that is off my chest ...

A general answer to that question would probably be that sometimes it is okay, sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard.   Every situation is different and depending on what state of mind you are in when confronted with the situation things could be different too.

Answer 7

I am a birth mother.  I have a very open adoption.  I talk to my son's adoptive parents every week, and visit them as often as possible.  He knows I am his mom, there is no way he couldn't.  The adoptive parents are g*y.   I don't think I could handle it if I didn't have that contact.  I really wouldn't have done it if the adoption weren't so open.  Yes, sometimes I do wish it was me reading to him, playing with him, laying him down for bedtime, etc.  But I really love his adoptive parents.  They are the most wonderful, caring, respectable, warm people I've ever met.  Plus, they are just incredibly interesting and cultured and well-rounded.  I think they are perfect parents.  I feel like they are my family.  I know they have the exact same ethics and principles as I do, and are raising him the way I will someday raise a child.  

So, all in all, it is hard sometimes.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Answer 8

I can't imagine it would ever be easy, but having a decent relationship with everyone would help.  For me personally though, I don't think I could do it.

Sunny, I haven't read your views on open adoption.  Does your mother's brutal honesty about it influence your opinion on open adoption, whatever that might be?  I also wonder if she would've thought those thoughts back then, or if that has changed over time, like hindsight being 20/20.  Do you know?

ETA:  My questions to you were of genuine interest, not to judge.  I am sorry if it read that way to you.  I don't have a strong opinion on open adoption, other than I think it's too soon to know what the long term effects could be, which is why I asked if she, or you, thought her opinion on this might have been different when it was fresh, or when she was younger, compared to what it is now with time.