To women who have placed their babies for adoption?

Question

I am an adoptee and also have 2 adopted children and I was wondering why so many people here hate the term "birth mother". Does this offend you, and why? If it does what would you rather be known as to your children that you placed? I am the last one that wants to offend anyone.

Answer 1

Lately some women say they're offended by it, saying it belittles them, preferring the term "first mother" or something else.

I'm fine with birth mother.  My reunited son calls me Mom.

Answer 2

I've heard that some birth mothers don't like it because it implies that they are only good for giving birth to children.  The fact is, with an adopted child, that *was* their major role in the life of the child.  I think it's a respectful way to acknowledge the woman who chose to give birth (rather than abort) and made a loving adoption plan for her child.

I don't like "biological" mother because that has a (somewhat silly, admittedly) implication that the adopted mother (or child) might be mechanical or some other non-biological construct.  It's also too clinical sounding to me.  

I don't like "natural" mother, because there is nothing more natural than loving a child -- regardless of the child's parentage.  (I'm adopted and adopting too myself.)  It also gives the implication to me that the "adopted" mother should also be called the "unnatural mother" which is nothing farther from the truth.

I've also heard "first" mother, which is I think is appropriate, especially for children who remember their first mothers.

I never called my birth mom "mom" though.  My mom is the woman who raised me for twenty-some-odd years before I found my birth mom.   I just called my birth mom by her first name.  She called me her daughter, and even though I don't feel like her daughter (because I  hardly knew her before she died), I never begrudged her calling me that.  It brought her some degree of happiness to call me her daughter before she died, and I never made an issue of it.

Answer 3

History of the term Birthmother

http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/200...

Claudia's thoughts about the term birthmother (the comments to this post are pretty interesting)

http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/200...

Why birthmother means breeder (the main referred to article as to why this phrase usually offends)

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Those links aside, my own opinion is I really don't like any of the terms.  I am a mother to my son.  I am not his only mother, but I am still a mother to him (even if it is very likely he will call me by my name.)  I use birthmother and birthparent on my blog because I want to be able to be searched for by other mothers like me quickly.  If it weren't for that reason alone, the phrase probably wouldn't be anywhere n my blog.

Answer 4

I prefer birthmother.   I'm also comfortable with just being referred to using my name, Sarah- we have an open adoption.  

I appreciate your concern.  You can't make everyone happy all of the time.  

I've offended adoptees by using birthmother about myself, so ya just go with what's comfortable for you.

I actually think 'natural' mother is a bit offensive, while we're on the subject.  Doesn't mothering come 'natural' to many of the mothers who adopt?

So maybe biological mother?  Who knows...

Answer 5

I think birth mother is the best way to refer to it.  People who get offended by this are being too sensitive.  Its a way to give a person a title that is less confusing.  Just because someone is your birth mother does not mean you love them over your adoptive mother.  Your real "mom" is the person who cared for you, supported you, etc... whether thats the birth or the adoptive mom.

Answer 6

It defines a woman by one situation.  I like to think my own first/natural mother is more than that.  It describes a woman as an incubator or breeder.  Again I think a woman who is a mother by birth or by adoption is more than that.

Answer 7

I did not give up my children for adoption, however I did adopt 2 little girls.  I know the birthmother of my girls and she hates this because she has a lot of pride and she wants to be mama, however, due to circumstances surrounding her giving them up, she is a bit bitter.  She was an unfit mother and did not take care of them.  she was my step-daughter.  

I think that circumstances of the giving them up is what stirs this up in the ones who do not like this term.  Either way, it means the same thing, they were the mother, but were not the mama.  I explain to my girls that mama takes care of the baby, a mother just gives birth.

They know about their circumstances, I have always been almost brutally honest with them about it.  They are now 7 and 8.

Answer 8

Labels are “funny”. Language has so much power in society and in our personal lives, both how we think of others and how we think of ourselves; this is no less true in adoption. Think about Indian vs Native American, g*y vs f*g, Oriental vs Korean, handicapped vs disabled, and on and on and on. Being “pc” is truly a challenge, but something that I take seriously simply because I know what it is like to be in a minority group – mother’s who surrendered a child to adoption, (and even that –surrendered- may not sit well with some), are a minority of mothers – thank goodness!

Having said that, I think that minority, majority, or anywhere in between – each of us has the right to take on or reject labels as we see fit, and that is empowering. Thus, although I dislike the term “birthmother” because I associate it with the coercive tactics of the adoption industry as pointed out by Magic Pointe Shoes and in an earlier question by Grapesgum: (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;... I won’t rag on women who wish to be called that. If they truly feel that they “only gave birth” and have no other connection with their child who am I to say that those women shouldn’t choose the birthmother title for themselves?

I don’t like the term, but my son’s afather keeps introducing me to my son’s OTHER ASIBLINGS as birthmother! For crying out loud would they not recognize me for who I am if I were introduced by my first name???? I have introduced my son’s afather to two of my brothers, I have NEVER used the adoptive tag because to me that would be fairly insulting. *sigh* I feel that his use of the birthmother terminology is very dismissive.

When I get thinking about the birth and bio stuff I like to go to http://dorygirl.wordpress.com/   - love the biological explanation of feelings, and agree wholeheartedly that it is up to the kids to decide what to call any of us, if they call us at all.

Basically, I think you should ask the mother of your child how she would like to be referred to and know that this might change over time.

So, thanks for asking, and please don’t call ME “birthmother”. My son is much more than that to me whether I had the opportunity to raise him or not.

Answer 9

I actually prefer "birth mother".  I'm not his "mom" or "mother".  I didn't earn either of those titles.  I did give birth to him.

"First mother" offends me.  To me that implies the woman who raised him is somehow less than a mother.

**Unlike some, I don't care if what I call myself offends others.  I chose to relinquish my son, I choose what I am called.  If others don't like it, well... fu*k'em.

I'm also fascinated by people who have NEVER been in this situation chiming in.  I can understand the adopted child who found his/her bmother, but those who say "I've heard", "I've read"... They should just shut up and stay out of it because they don't KNOW.  What they've "read" doesn't cover every, or even a majority of birth mothers.

Answer 10

I don't car what the world at large calls me my son who was adopted at birth calls me Mom and his other Mother Mom also.

Answer 11

I never gave up a baby for adoption, but a friend of mine did.

She prefers biological mother.

Answer 12

It doesn't offend me. I'm just trying to find something to refer to myself as that doesn't offend others here.

Answer 13

I think it is a wonderful thing that people deliver their babies instead of killing them with an abortion. That person is a mother who raise you. The word "birth mother" does not rub me a wrong way