Toddler hitting mummy?

Question

Ok, so my 14 month old daughter is looked after by me every day appart from tuesday (her dad has her) and wednesday (her nan, my MIL, has her).

When I got home from work yesterday i was cuddling her and she started hitting me in the face (not really hard but i could tell it wasn't nicely intended). I put her down on the floor and told her not to hit mummy. She then got up and was trying to climb on me so that i would cuddle her again. I picked her up and she was ok for a bit then started hitting me in the face again.

She tends to do this when i get home on the wednesday. She is tired (because she sleeps less with nanny) and i think this is what provokes it but why am i the one getting the abuse and not nanny or daddy. Also, what can i do? do i just do as i am doing and tell her not to hit mummy and put her on the floor?

Note, the rest of the days she is with me she is really sweet and affectionate to me, it's just the wed's i get home and the thurday after that she's moody with me.

Thanks for sensible advice

Answer 1

Give her a smack bottom and ask her how she likes to be hit.

Spare the rod and spoil the child. Children need to know the boundaries and limitations and the consequences of stepping over them. Once she's learned that 'if I hit Mummy I will get a smack', it won't be long until she realizes that 'if I don't hit Mummy, I don't get a smack'.

It's a simple but effective method, used worldwide for centuries.

Oh, someone here has already suggested the naughty step....no wonder today's kids have no discipline.

Smacking works.....naughty steps don't!!!

I never dreamed of hitting my mother, but if I had, I wouldn't have done it a second time....that's how it should be.

Children need to know about consequences to their actions.....you'll only spoil them otherwise.

Her hitting you is a result of your 'no smacking policy'.....your fault in other words.

Answer 2

firmly push on your right hand against the back of the head and have a nice grip on the chin and jerk clockwise as fast and as hard as you can. simple solution

Answer 3

I understand you not wanting to hit your daughter.

I think she is after attention, she has figured out that you have been gone all day and left her (she may love dad and nan) but you are her primary care giver and her life line. So she is probably getting over excited or a little bit frustrated and can't tell you why. You are doing the right thing with the firm NO and putting her down. If she continues I would put her down, and get up and walk away or turn your back, this usually is enough to hurt their feelings and they stop (most of the time after it being repeated lots and lots).It can be really disheartening but it will get better after she gets what is right and wrong.

Good luck.  

Answer 4

It sounds like she's acting out because you've been away from her, it's like she's punishing you for leaving her. Just before christmas i helped out in a friends shop 1 day a week leaving my 2 kids with their daddy, they too would act up the following day and were really difficult, yet the day after that they would be fine again, like your's they are really sweet and loving children and usually well behaved but they would always play up they day after i'd been away.

All i can suggest is that you carry on as you are, putting her down when she hits you and telling her it's bad to hit mummy. She wont want to be away from you and lose out on the cuddles and will eventually learn that if she hits you she'll be put on the floor but if she's nice she'll get the cuddles. Telling her off and punishing her is unlikely to achieve anything as the behaviour isn't simple naughtiness but is a reaction to mummy being away. In time she'll get used to your absence.  

Answer 5

maybe she doesn'tlike you going to work  

Answer 6

Even older toddlers and will act up after a separation from Mom. It's not that unusual.  Maybe she is angry and is hitting you because she's not verbal enough to express that.  She only hits you because she's the most comfortable with you.  She knows you will love her unconditionally no matter how she acts.  At 14 months old, spanking and time out are not appropriate.  (I think spanking is not appropriate any time personally.) What you're doing is pretty good for that age.  My daughter went through a very short hitting phase.  I would tell her, "I don't like to be hit.  Hitting hurts."  Then I would put her on the floor and walk away for a minute.  I would also tell her I like hugs and kisses better.  You could also intercept her when she goes to hit.  "Oh, you're giving me a high five?!  All  right!"  Redirection is a great technique too.  Repetition is key at this age though.  They have no fully developed impulse control yet.  You just have to keep responding the same way.  They do eventually get it, I promise!  =) My daughter used to hit our dogs when she was younger.  I'd tell her not to hit because hitting hurts.  I'd tell her the dogs like being pet better.  And if she continued hitting them, I'd put them away "so they were safe."  After a while, I'd see her think about it and pet them instead.  I would praise the heck out of her when I saw her.  "Look how happy the dogs are that you're petting them!  They like that!"  

If you really think she's angry, you could also help her acknowledge her feelings.  Big feelings are scary for little children.  "You're mad that mommy was gone all day, weren't you?  It's ok to feel mad, but it's not ok to hit people."  You could offer her a pillow or a toy drum that she can hit instead.  Always make sure you tell them what they CAN do.    

Answer 7

hi i think what ur doing just now is the best thing to do!

both my lo do this out of nowhere to me as i have them everyday!

it might be jst a phase but speak to ur mil 2c if she does it thre! if so tell them to carry out what u do so she recognises that its wrong!

good luck i hope it doesnt last much longerx

Answer 8

My daughter use to hit me also. We would be cuddling and all the sudden she'd start.

I found out that it was because she wanted me to play with her and tickle her. She did not yet know exactly how to engage me properly by saying "mommy play with me" after I figured out what she wanted and every time she would hit I would tell her 'do not hit, if you want me to play then say mommy play with me" It worked like a charm.

She also use to do that with her brother and cousins.

Answer 9

Have you tried putting her on a naughty step when she does this to you, you time her a miniute for every year she is when you put her on the step tell her why then when her time is up tell her you will not accept this behavoir and tell her to say sorry when she does give her a cuddle and then she can come off if she keeps getting off put her back on and re start the mins again it does work I do it with my little ones when they are naughty you might just need a little patience Good Luck.

Answer 10

my son, also 14 months, hits me sometimes too and it's usually because he's not getting his way or because he's been away from me. when i first started work that's when he started hitting me and i think he was angry because i didn't spend every day with him. at the time i was feeling very guilty about leaving him with his gran so i kind of accepted that he hit me. a few weeks later his daddy noticed it one day and he got really angry. he told my son off properly and he was for the first time put in time out. it had a huge effect on him and he knew not to hit me again.

now he'll sometimes hit me (it's more like a pat) and then look straight at his daddy to see if it's ok to hit me again. he's told off every time and he doesn't try it again for a few weeks.

make sure she knows this behaviour isn't acceptable. one day she'll be bigger and stronger and you don't want her hitting you or other people then.

best of luck!

Answer 11

This is completely normal.  I don't know of one tot who didn't do this.  They are learning cause and effect and also learning to communicate at this time and they get frustrated easily because they expect us to understand what they are trying to say.  I would just keep saying "no, that hurts mommy" and keep reinforcing it.

Answer 12

[edit - oops, I didn't read the other replies... Just clicked answer... Seems this one's already answered (albeit in several different responses, but I'll leave mine here anyway - I hope it helps by consolidating the answers and expanding on them on a deeper level.]

Tired = Fractious.

Lots of new faces and smells = Fractious.

Separation Anxiety = Fractious

Fractious = Not happy.

Not happy = punishing someone to express the perceived punishment (I'm sorry, but this is the truth...)

Turn this around - I'll explain:

[additional - original answer included below]

Do remember to NOT re-inforce this behaviour in ANY way.

You could build resentments in a child this young by doing what is suggested by "supernanny" and isolating them.

If you do decide to dignify this behaviour with a response, make sure the child understands that what you are doing is a punishment for the bad behaviour and not just increasing the already, very apparent, separation anxiety.

One technique (using the "Spare the Rod; Spoil the Childe" ethos is to use the second knuckles of your index and middle fingers to provide a sensation on the neck of the child by very, very gently "nipping" them - a touching pinch.

It will not hurt the child, but they will learn to associate that touch with the fact that they have misbehaved.

Once you "nipped" them (a primate response... Research if you think humans aren't animals... Sorry if you're a Creationist, but God programmed this into us...) make sure you pull an angry face and gently, but firmly, say "NO" and place the child off you lap, to sit at your feet or left side.

Consistency is the key, if you decide to use the same language that your baby is using.

(And you kinda have to, cos they can't use the words we do yet...)

There is another approach:

Sharing the emotional wealth is what I call it...

("Sharing the Wealth" is a mathematical, sociological system that I have designed, and proven, as a model for human emotional interaction - ask for more information - it's complex, but I can simplify it for you by using a few, personal, examples. I suprised myself with both it's accuracy and success)

[original answer]

She can't talk. (I think I remember you having a son? Maybe that was someone else I speak with... Correct me if I'm wrong. How's things, btw?)

How can she get messages across? Crying; laughing; prousting; posing and body language.

I was a young carer for my half-brother (the age difference is quite large) and he's turned out to excel at being a drama-queen - albeit an aerosol sniffing, "I'm communist, no facist, no liberal. Actually I'm g*y": He got A stars in his exams for literary pursuits and acting... hmm...).

He broke his fathers ribs and nose.

This was purely because he wanted his parent's (primary caretakers and emotional bond's) attention.

He was spirited away a LOT to "nana's" and he felt very stifled - he didn't come to love her because of the very fact that Mum and Dad weren't there - they just dumped him into the hands of another person

.

Not a person he saw as a loving caretaker...

(IMO - she wasn't loving at all.)

Now, I'm not saying that nanny isn't loving - just that she isn't you.

You can introduce the nanny in a different way to ensure that your child is comfortable with her and also with the fact that you are leaving her in the care of someone she doesn't really know as well as what she is used to.

Do you follow me up to here?

Ask if you don't.

Here's another example:

My Godson.

He used to beat people when he was very young - a toddler - until we understood what that meant.

It means that he is using an extreme way to get more attention from who HE sees as his primary carer.

Remember the question I answered on bonding? The hormonal and emotional bond you have with the child is absolute.

The fact that he has spent a few days in other people's care (which is a long time to a small child) means that he is missing YOU.

Quite a lovely thing to know, isn't it? That your baby is missing you as much as you miss her?

Attention is the answer to your Question - the beating is an attention seeking behaviour, also a slight punishment for perceived abandonment.

I suggest that you and your partner spend time together with her, so that she knows he is part of you (which both he and she are...).

Then move on to spending time with your child with the nanny - it'll have the same effect.

Get you partner to do the same.

All three of you if you can.

I have little time with my half-brother, but he loves me and I am a role model to him whether I like it or not.

I was his guardian.

One reason he's into writing and performing arts.

My Godson is amazing. He is smart, inquisitive, expressive and fun.

I love both of them.

They both love me.

I don't have kids yet (maybe one day, my partner's a lot younger than me), but I have had the responsibility of raising them thrust upon me.

It's a good job I'm the type of person who understands things easily when I put my mind to it.

Simple child psychology both answers your question and gives you a resolution to it.

Spend time together - all of you.

You know why and, now, you know how to stop it.

You can do this.

Speak later.

Answer 13

Maybe she is trying to tell you in her own way that she would rather be with you instead.

Or she thinks it is a game.

Sorry I don't know what to think because I have a 1 year old myself who happens to hit mommy in the face as well for fun.  She also pulls my hair.

Answer 14

dont ever hit her, doin this will only tell her that it is ok to hit others

just make sure you discipline her everytime she does it, eventually she will get the message

Answer 15

firm voice put youre palm up into her face and say noooo! thats naughty!

this will tend to sustain the child for a while. If she douse it  again give her a gental tap on the rist and say no! again. If she still consist say its time for bed then. If she get realy naughty give her a smack on the bum, just a brief flick of the rist not to hard thoe, thats how every body i know got taught and they turned out allright.

Answer 16

I think you are doing just right the less attention see gets from it will make her see soon that you don't get mummy's affection by being nasty. i put my children in the naughty corner but they are quite a bit older than your little girl and i don't think she would understand but i think you are spot on by putting her down and just walk away. all kids go through a hitting stage and generally it is at there mums as they are the ones who look after them all the time and do the most discipline.  don't get down hearted by it after all mummy's cant spoil them every day like part time dads and granny's do but i would mention it to daddy and granny and let them know how you are dealing with it so they can do the same. its all about testing you to see what she can get away with. good luck and you are doing the right thing.

Answer 17

There's probably not an actual sinister reason for her hitting you but she probably feels some anxiety about when she is seperated from you.

Does she see anyone else hit people? Some children pick this up and then copy the behaviour.

Everytime she did this I would just explain to her why it is wrong to hit others and that it can hurt and it's not very nice. With my 2-yr old I would send him to his room for a very short minute or two and explain some more and ask him to apologise. Your daughter is still quite young though so may not quite relate to that concept.

For now I would just recommend explaining to her why the behaviour is wrong.