Toddlers and parent separation

Question

I’d like to take a forward step in my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been friends for 2 years and serious for about the last 2 ½ months. He has 2 young kids that he’s afraid to introduce to me. He wants to do the right thing. He wasn’t married to their mother but they lived together since the children were born. (The children are 1 and 2 ½ ) The other is 14 and lives with my boyfriend’s sister. I understand it’s a huge step and there are boundaries and it needs to be handled correctly. However, I think a lot of his hesitation is in fear of the mother (who likes drama and is a little on the psycho side). Kids that age start talking about “daddy’s girlfriend” or even “friend”. His ex knows my name and is definitely the jealous type. She’s not ready to let go of him. I very briefly met his 2 yr old and she kept asking him about me and “Destiny”. (My 2-year-old god-daughter that was with me at the time). So I’m sure he fears the mom not liking the idea of her kids being around another woman.

He knows how much I love kids and sees how well I interact with them. I don’t have any of my own but I’m always adopting others for the weekend. My suggestion to him is that it’s better for his young kids to understand “daddy’s house” instead of just thinking daddy’s not coming home and wondering why. They’re daddy’s girls anyway so they really should be able to come over to our house and spend time with him in a healthy environment. Their mother has 4 other children and their house seems like it’s probably chaotic most of the time.

Any suggestions? We want to know what’s best for the children, considering how young they are. And yes, we are in a committed, long-term relationship. I’ve been in the picture, just never able to take it to another level because he was afraid he was a bad dad if he wasn’t living at home.

Answer 1

Unless he's looking to make a long term commitment to his children's mother (and since you've made it clear that he's made that commitment to you, that's obviously not the case), its perfectly ok for him to live with you and for his children to come to your house.  

You may run into trouble with the mother and if she is as crazy as you say she is, be prepared for his insecurity and possibly a court case if she decides not to let them come see him.  He's obviously already scared about losing his relationship with his children and moving in with you may jeopardize it due to the mother's hostility.  If its something you can all work through without the law, then that's ideal, but there's a chance that won't happen and you both need to be realistically aware of that.  

Regardless of whether he moves in with you, he should move out of the house his kids live in as he is just giving the mother false hope of getting back together or remaining a serious item.  They will always be involved in each other's lives because of their kids, but living with someone displays a whole new level of commitment.  If he's not willing to make that break, even if it means not moving in with you, then you shoudl take a serious look at what it is that's keeping the two of you together.  Do you have time to wait for him to come to his senses?  And what if he decides to stay with the mother of his children?

Try to get a serious committment out of him before you put so much weight on moving forward such a big step in your relationship.  Good luck and I wish you the best!

Answer 2

Well, you've been "friends" since one child was an infant, and before the other one was even conceived...So, he felt like he was a bad dad for not living at home, but not for running around with other women in the first place?  My thought is that you are being played.