Too all First Mother's... How can I? ?

Question

Today is my son's Birthday. I have been really thinking about his f-Mother alot these past few weeks. I wonder if she is also thinking about him. I can't help but feel for her. She has missed out so much in his life. She is missing out on getting to know such a great young man.

As a first mother, what are some things I should know. What should I do to make their time together (Once he searches for her) an easier transition?

I was thinking of making a scrap book for her. I have one for each of my boys with awards, newspaper clippings and even school referrals (Not sure why I started this, but we now get a laugh out of some of them) I just don't know if this would be hurtful since she missed all of this or not.

Any thoughts or ideas (not just from f-mothers) would be welcomed.

Answer 1

Stinky Pete asked the question that was on my fingertips!   Are you willing to open your adoption?  Is she?  It's possible and it happens in the best interest of the child.

I can assure you that your thoughts are correct, she is thinking about her son today more so than she does every other day.  The pain is as fresh for her today as it was when the papers were signed.  This will be the pattern of her life forever  She will ache forever.  

Answer 2

I know how you feel. I think about my kids mom often. Do you have contact with her?

Our adoption is currently closed, but I do send her packages quarterly with pics and art work and a long letter about the kids. Altho I have never been in her shoes, I would personally want the packages even if they hurt.

Answer 3

I believe it is a Great Idea what your doing mostly children Grow up and want answers I think a Scrapbook will be fine he will be Thankful.

Answer 4

Of course the scrapbook will hurt her - but I'm sure the hurt will be worth it as she will be so grateful that you have documented the child's life for her to look at. It will be evidence that your son has been so loved through out his life and in adopting him out I'm sure that was what she was hoping for.

I hope to adopt a child (I already have a son that I had the traditional way) and I am really in awe of you right now!

Answer 5

Dear Heather Leigh,

I would give my right arm to have APs like you and some of the others on this board! Thank you SO much for "getting it" and for setting such a wonderful example! IMHO, you are doing a great job!

I can absolutely assure you that she is thinking of him on his birthday. Birthdays are by far the hardest. Some years I can hardly bear them. For me, they are even more difficult than Christmas or even Mother's Day. I am sure he will be on her mind all day that day - and probably the few days before and after too.

As First Mom, I would love to have a scrapbook of the things I have missed. (She can always put it away until she's ready if it upsets her.) Video or voice recordings would be amazing too. I asked the APs to send me a lock of hair from the first haircut to put in the locket I used to wear, but they never did it.

She has probably got some things that she kept to remind her of him. I kept blankets, hospital bracelets and the footprints the hospital made. She might even have things for him. I have a box of all of the original paperwork, letters, my journal from pregnancy and the first few years, family history, photographs, heirloom gifts and birthday cards for "someday".

As for the things you can do to make things easier when the time comes, the most important is to have an open heart and an open mind. (Open arms probably won't hurt either.) Please remember that she has been through a lot. Leaving an abusive relationship is amazingly hard and she may have truley felt that she was doing the best thing for her son at the time. She may have felt that she was not able to provide for him and his father may have never abused the child before she left - especially if she left with nothing as many women who leave DV situations are forced to do. One of my best friends recently escaped an abusive marriage. It has been the hardest decisions of her life. She debated and planned for months and waivered on whether to take her two children or not because she had no money, no job and no car when she left. Their father had never physically hurt the children and professes to love them. She still worries that she was wrong to take them with her, even though the children have repeatedly told her that they are glad she did and happy that they are safe with her.

I can imagine that your son's mother has suffered immeasurable pain and unless she is an exeptionally well adjusted person, she will probably have some awkward moments with you. If you show fear or judgement or insecurity - your son will sense it and it will effect his reunion. Please try to understand her and have patience and help her to put your son first at all times. When he is ready, give them TIME. It is the most precious thing we have in our lives with our children and she has missed so much! If you are able to be confident in your relationship and can truely share the love of your child with his other mother, it will be the greatest gift you can give to both her and your son.

Be her friend, listen to her, share with her - you may even find that you are more alike than you think! You already know a part of her and you have such an amazing thing in common to base your relationship around! Your son!

I wish all of you the very best! I know when the time comes, you will do everything in your power to make the experience a positive one for all of you. (And from everything I've read of yours I think you are very well on your way to making that happen!) :)

Answer 6

I guess I'll jump in here even though I am one of the least popular first moms on here. You have to understand that anything you give her will be bittersweet. The scrap book is a really good idea. Yes it will hurt like h**l to look at it but it will hurt like h**l not to have it, The scrap book will at least also bring joy. First moms are often desperate for any little crumb from their child's life. Some of the things I keep because they have some small link to my baby seem crazy to other people. Any little thing you save for her will mean the world. I would have loved copies of referrals. She could compare them to mine lol

I have to ask if there is a reason you aren't searching for her now?  

Answer 7

My son's adoptive mother is the greatest in all the land. She makes me feel incredibly loved and included. For starters, she made a scrapbook for me only a few weeks after my son was born. Every couple of months or so, she sends me a new page for the scrapbook. Whenever I visit, we spend quality time with each other as well as with our little boy. I am grateful that she is so quick to share her feelings and her life with me.

I would suggest coming up with something unique to your relationship to share with the first mother. For example, the adoptive mother and I both love pictures = scrapbook. If you are into sewing, you could make a quilt featuring pictures or special words, etc.