Tracing birth relatives...what are your experiences?

Question

Hello,

I was adopted more or less from birth (in 1981) which I have always known about, but since having my daughter two years ago my curiousity about my birth family grew.

I went through the process of getting my original birth certificate, contacting the adoption agency and was given a fairly comprehensive file detailing the background to the adoption.

Two years down the line with a slow research process I think I have an address for my birth mother, I'm about 95% sure, there's a surname change (marriage?) but the fairly unusual first name is the same and the address is the same one given as my maternal birth grandmother.

Anyway, I wanted to know people experiences either as an adopted child making contact with birth parents or the other way around.

I don't want to upset anyone by making contact but the curiousity is overwhelming!

Any advice, similar stories bad or good, experiences etc???

Thank you!

Answer 1

Well, my birth parents are somewhere in china, farther awa then i am, i find it hopeless to search for them in a country so heavily populated, and in poverty. I have slim chances. However, i have always wondered about them, and my genetic history. I am happy where i am though.

Answer 2

I was born in 1986 and aodopted three years later i recently met my birth father. I was adopted with my birth brother and sister, however I also had another brother who wasnt adopted and i have also managed to trace him. I can only give you advice based on my experience, my birth father was on drugs when we were adopted, when i first talked to him he said he had stopped drinking and taking drugs, however since then slowly the truth has come out one day he told me he smoked a bit of cannabbis and now he tells me he also does speed. I also have 2 children and i dont really want them around him. however i have enjoyed meeting my brother and i have also found out i have 2 more sister and one more brother. So I have no regrets that i met him, i have seen where i come from but i wont be going there again. I would advise you to meet them, they could turn around and say they dont want to know(but you wont be missing anything if they do) but they could be really nice people who have changed and you could have brothers and sisters. all i cann say is dont take your children with you the first time and make sure someone goes with you because you are gonna need support. If you dont go you will wonder all your life

Answer 3

Do it!!  My bio-sister found me and I was stunned to get the letter.  I had to sit down but I knew the second I saw the city I was born in on the return address what it was.  

My mother never wanted to give me up.  Her father forced her to 3 days after I was born.  She said it was the hardest thing shes ever had to do and she and my sister have searched for me for a long long time.  

My little brother found his parents and an entire crew of siblings and it was a very positive experience for him as well.

Even if you never pursue a real long term relationship, you can answer all of the questions you have and just seeing the resemblances in their pictures is truly startling but in a good way.   You need that connection and your kids do too.

I received a letter, my brother made a phone call but couldn't speak when his bio-grandmother answered and his fiance had to grab the phone and speak for him.  Either way both of our experiences were good ones.

Its normal to get all choked up or be afraid at the last minute.  I'm meeting my sister 4rth of July weekend and Im totally freaked LOL.  I'm seeing a shrink.

But you are already this far.  Walk through the door.  Answer the questions.  You need to and I will bet you your birth family does too.

Answer 4

I was lucky enough to find my birth family after 5yrs and it was done over the internet on findmybiologicalparents.com. I knew my birth name and yes it took all day but a name came up and voila! I dont know what the future holds but Im up for it I am going up to NWT to meet them this summer!

Answer 5

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=59...

Janey's Adoption group.

Answer 6

I've been searching all my life.  Searching faces, searching within myself and physically searching for the past 20 years.

I finally found my family a few weeks ago and things are going great so far.  It's even brought me even closer to my adoptive mother, who has been very supportive throughout.

Finding the truth of our origins can bring alot of peace to everyone concerned and to finally have continuity and connection is the most amazing feeling in the world.  

I hope you have the same good experience and, either way; good or bad - the truth is the truth and so worth pursuing.

Answer 7

My cousin gave up a child for adoption-child found her- she herself has a family-now she can give answers to her immediate family- questions yours 2 will some day ask! I - The family as a whole Love her dearly, always have-only thing is Now We Can  Tell Her So!!Your now a parent & of legal age to find out WHY's - Do So!!!! You owe your children that much! But be prepared  the other partymay not feel the same(hurt issues).!! Give it a shot anyway- that is an answer 4 your children- maybe -later on your parent will have a change  of heart & try contact U, who knows!! Go with the flow-Do What Your Instincts Tell You 2 Do! May many Happy Days Be Ahead! My advise(not woth a lot) GO FOR IT!!

Answer 8

I was adopted when I was 3, and have recently made contact with my family. My sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles are all amazing, and I get on really well with them, but my dad was such a dissappointment. All he did was insult my mum and say she was a useless mother and that she was an alcoholic. In fact it was the other way round, he was the alcoholic and used to beat my mum.

I walked out of the house and I heard a year later that he had died. I know it sounds terrible but I wasnt very upset. He had never been my father, and I had seen him for half an hour in 16 years. Unfortunately I dont have parents, but I have an extremely loving and supportive partner, who is always there for me. He is all the family I need.

Go into it with an open mind, don't get your hopes up. I did and got hurt. I'm not saying you will be hurt, but I got so excited, I thought our reunion would be great and it was terrible.

Good luck, I really hope all goes well for you

Answer 9

Dear Boromam,

While my experience with reunions is limited from an adoptee perspective, I can tell you that everyone I know who is a first parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt or uncle is waiting with baited breath for they day when their family members are restored to their lives. Many of these folks are actively searching for their lost family members. I am personally involved in three separate searches for friends.

Did you know, according to the Evan B. Donaldson Institute for Adoption study of first parents, approximately 98% of them would welcome reunion and want to be found?

I would encourage you to reach out to your first mother. I would be willing to bet she has been waiting for you! She is very likely to welcome you with open arms.  She may be afraid that you hate her or are angry or may have refrained from looking for you out of fear or in an attempt not to disturb your life.

Most of us first mothers (and many first fathers) think of our children not just often, but DAILY. We dream about them at night. We worry about our children's health, their schooling, their safety, their treatment, their feelings. We cry over missed birthdays, holidays, first steps, first words, graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren. We hurt over lost kisses and bedtime stories, skinned knees we will never bandage and recitals, performances, sports achievements we will never witness and yes, even over mess we didn't get to clean up and diapers we didn't get to change. Most of us gave our children to be raised by others because we love our children so much we though we weren't good enough for them. We thought we were too young, too poor, to uneducated, too alone - we thought you deserved better than us. Many of us suffer greatly, waiting for our families to be whole again. We wait years, decades, some of us for death, to hear from our children again and to hold them again (or for some, the first time). Some of us exprerience addictions, clinical anxioty, extreme depression, arrested development, and other issues as a result of our feelings of loss and grief. Many of us have suffered these feelings in silence because of the stigma and shame associated with being a relinquishing parent.

Of course, every situation is different and there are rare exceptions where first parents are not open to reunion. But those cases are sometimes those with the darkest reasons for having placed a child such as rape, incest and/or severe and dangerous abuse or mental issues. Sometimes, these cases involve men and women who did not wish to relinquish their child but instead had them taken from them, sometimes by force. Some of these women were sent to "maternity homes" against their wills, some were held or strapped down when they gave birth, some were not allowed to even see their babies, some were told their child was dead and some were even forced to be sterilized. For some people, the pain is too much and they sadly cannot bring themselves to face either the pain or the adult- child full of questions about it. these situations, IMO, are truly tragedies and are the some of the blackest marks in adoption's patchwork of stories.

If 12 years of being in the adoption world has taught me one thing and nothing else, it is that most families love each other desperately - even if they are seperated by or created through adoption. I can confidently state that the vast majority of first parents want to know and love their children and would do just about anything to hear from them. I know I would likely be unable to contain my heart from exploding with joy to hear from mine.

I wish I had a crystal ball to check and say for certain what your first mother would say or how she will feel; only you have the choice to find out. I hope that you will choose to do so and that the reaction is the one that you hope for. I sincerely send my best wishes and hope that you and your family (all of it)have a happy and healthy life.

Answer 10

Start with a letter, saying something like, I was adopted in 1981 and I'm searching for my birthmother. Can you help me? Give a few details but keep a few for yourself.

I searched and found my birthdaughter in 2001, she was 29 1/2. Since I was the one that searched, I told her that I would understand if she didn't want any contact with me. I gave her my name, phone number, email address and home address, it took her about a month to respond, it was really hard to wait but so worth it.

Be prepared for the bad and the good.

My experience has been good. She's a wonderful woman with 3 beautiful kids and unfortuately her husband is a bum who tried to hit us up for money, but otherwise it's been all good.

Answer 11

I am the last one to be able to give advice regarding contact with birth relatives as I haven't had any luck there,but I will tell you what I have experienced so far.I have always known that I was adopted and so this fact was never an issue with me but when I was 14 I also became a relinquishing mother when i gave up my first daughter.I have always hoped that both my mother and my daughter would be looking for me but have since discovered that neither have.My daughter-in-law located my daughter a few years ago and after contacting her we hoped that she would be willing to let us into her life but unfortunately this was not so and no further contact will be made unless she wants it.As to my birth mother I tried unsuccessfully for years to find out anything about her or her family and it was only two weeks ago that a third party was able to locate her.Again there is no wish for contact.I do wish that this is not so but,at least,I do know that both of them are alive and that they have my contact details for future reference if either one of them ever change their mind.I can only wait and hope.It is worth the trouble to contact your birth relatives if you can and most of them do want some kind of peace of mind and want to find the person or people who are missing in their lives.

Answer 12

My first mom and I exchanged letters, then phone calls and e-mails, then met.  

Every search and reunion story is different.  But mine has (so far, knock on wood) been very good.  I have a wonderful mother and four brothers.  She had wanted to search for me, but was told that I wouldn't want to be found.  I did, and I'm glad I found her.  We have much in common and relate to each other very well.  

I wish you all the best.  This is an emotional roller-coaster.  Even when things go very well.  There are lots of highs and lows.  That's one thing that seems to be common to just about every reunion story I've heard.

This is a good site:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Lots of adoptees who have been through this stuff.

Good luck with everything.

Answer 13

My son was adopted at six weeks old and I wasn't allowed any contact after that.  When I had a phone call from a strange person asking if I had a photograph of my grandfather it got very confusing.  It turned out that my son had been doing some research and had found my parents address and from there found me.  I met my son at a hotel where he worked after28 years.  He had been told lots of lies about me and I had been told lies about his adoptive parents.

My son had been told that I had been a prostitute and that I didn't want him. This was very far from the truth, I was in fact a member of the British Armed Forces but due to circumstances was unable to aford to look after a child after becoming a civilian.  I was told that his adoptive parents were professional people and in fact they were not.

I have now lost contact with my son again after meeting his girlfriend and his children due to jealousy on their part. I know nothing of his adoptive parents except that they tried to stop him searching for me.  I am now in the process of relocating my son through various means, but have not yet had much success.

I hope you can find your parent and that you will be open minded regarding the circumstances which lead to your adoption.           Best of luck,

Answer 14

I am 59yrs old and adopted as a boy growing up in Edinburgh I often wondered about my Bio Mum and Dad,why could they not have kept me and what would it have been like if they had would my life be better or worse.When I was at Secondary school I promised myself that when I was old enough I would try to find them and then when I was old enough I changed my mind as I did not want to hurt the parents that adopted me.In my mid 30's both of my adoptive parents were sadly dead and I tried a search and I found out that my birth mother had died and I had infact left it to late,I then turned my attention to finding my Dad and managed to get an address and I wrote a letter and got an answer so in my second letter I happened to mention that this man may be my Father he never answered again. All was not lost though I have managed to find Uncles aunts and cousins on my mothers side and now I am happy with that.My Dad who brought me up always told me that in life what is meant to happen it will happen good or bad if its good keep it that way if its bad you can change things to make it better and I live my life that way.If I was meant to find my Bio family I would have.Like yourself I never wanted to upset anyone especialy if there is a marriage and other kids and no-one knows anything about me so best left alone I thought never the less I am still very curious,do I have half brothers and sisters maybe I will never find out but thats ok I have my own family and now also grandchildren and they will never have to worry about where they come from.If you continue your search then I wish you well and hope the ending is a happy one for you.I know it can be a very lengthy procces.In my case I know that my parents that adopted me are the parents that I love and I miss them dearly when they died it left a huge void in my life but I know they are near me and watching out for me and so my searching is over because I loved my adoptive parents to much.They gave me their name and its one that I am very proud of but thats me everyone is different.So god bless and good luck I hope the outcome for you is what you want.