Tricky question about a friends adoption?

Question

My best friend is adopting, and is due to pick her baby up from China in seven weeks :D. We're all so excited for her, but we have just one concern. While everyone understands the need for her and her husband to initially spend time alone with their new son, in order to get to know him and bond, they have been talking about not introducing him to anyone outside of the immediate family for at least six months. Does this seem 'normal'? We'd love to get to know him and congratulate them, but she says she doesn't want him around many people at first in case he doesn't learn they are his parents. He will be 16 months old when they pick him up. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

One word:  FEAR.  They may have some unresolved issues about adoption, fertility, grief, etc.  This may change once they get home.  (I hope!)  Another possibility - they may need the time to bond, not the baby.  Or they may need time to feel comfortable as parents.  Not knowing their history, it is hard to tell.  But I would say -- if this were my sister, best friend, cousin - I might have a private, casual, soft approach conversation in person.   And ask for help in understanding the situation/their decision about this so you can support it more.  Did some one tell them about this method of habituation, or suggest it?  And yet another possibility - maybe they suspect or know this little one has a medical, or surgical issue which need attention or care.  Could be they are wanting to "correct" some thing they think too odd or negative for people to see.  And the 6 months gives them time to "correct" it. But you just don't know (and neither do we!)  If these folks have a long history of stability, are loving parents or partners, have lots of close support, are social, healthy mentally and physically, then I'd say you could also just support them and trust them.  It simply is not about what you want.  They are just trying to be good parents, but may just be misguided.  Or not.

Answer 2

Afcourse they have a point but they should introduce him to the US and the people who are going to be in the outside world everyday! For 6 months he will only think he has parents and nobody else. You can't spoil a baby. I would keep hime for 2-4 weeks top!

Answer 3

I think that's odd, but I think that once they get home and they're alone with their son for a week or two they'll realize how important it is to have the support of friends, and will start asking people to come over. They're obviously concerned about bonding, but once they realize how quickly the bonding will come, and how sick they are of looking at each other lol, they'll permit more visits. Just be patient - I give it a week or two tops.

Answer 4

They have good intentions.  They want to do the right thing for the baby.  Six months seems unnecessarily long to me, and maybe they will come to that realization as time passes and bonding seems to be going well.  A child needs socialization as well as bonding.

Answer 5

that seems a bit weird and uncalled for they will have 18 plus years to get to know the baby, naturally it will bond to them so what is the point of keeping it hinden? you dont have to do that with natural born babies so why would an adoption be any different...maybe the baby is really ugly and hey hope tha it will grow out of it

Answer 6

Many experts recommend a long adjustment and bonding time after adopting children from orphanages due to post institutionalization and attachment issues. It sounds to me like they are thinking of the best interests of their new child and have researched this quite thoroughly, and though it's difficult for family and friends, they should support the new family in their decision.

Answer 7

We adopted both of our children internationally, and it is normal and recommended for families to not have visitors for a certain amount of time once the child is home for attachment reasons. Six months is on the longer side, we introdued a few close family members after 3 or 4 weeks, but our children were showing signs of adjusting well, and were at a much lower risk for attachment problems since they came home at 6 months, and were in individual foster homes rather then in an orphanage.

   Being removed from everything they know can be tramatizing for a child, and this time is not just to "bond", but to avoid serious attachment problems that could surface in the future. The website "a4everfamily.org" has a lot of information about this topic. You definetly should respect their decision, and let them do what they feel is best for their child. When attachment is involved I think it's always better safe then sorry.

Answer 8

I have heard of this.  I think six months is a bit extreme, but I can understand their need to spend some time alone with him to bond.  Just let your friends know you're there for them, but respect their wishes.  Once they feel like they've bonded, I'm sure they'll let you see him.

Answer 9

Dear Tracy,

This is a tricky question. I do have to say as an adoptive mother, I definitely get the need to bond. My baby came home much younger. He was 4 1/2 months old. There were some things we were very strict about. Only I fed him bottles. People could not hold him forever.... People were not welcome to drop by and we tried to spend most of our time at home nesting and just adjusting. He bonded to us very easily. That being said I am a stay at home Mom and his Dad had to work a little harder to bond with him. It is a totally different experience with these sweet babies from China. They come home older (easiest bonding happens in the 1st year of life). They have some physical / linguistic limitations. Often they are in need of much TLC and attention. Back off with your friends, let them know you can't wait to meet their sweet little peach...they will want to show him off and they will change their mind....we also stuck to a 3 month rule....absolutely no one was to watch my baby in the first 3 months. (Except for an emergency room visit). Also, often times Dads have a harder time bonding with sons.... Give them a chance to bond, it is so important!!! It won't be 6 months I can tell you that from experience, We weren't going to have people over, but we did....we just made sure we scheduled visits so that people didn't think they could just pop by. We also arrive to family parties and social events early so our guy doesn't get overwhelmed still! Good Luck and God Bless all the babies waiting to come home!

Answer 10

I think that they will change their mind after they come home with their baby.  It is funny all of the things you say that you are going to do as a parent (for example, no daycare and then you decide you miss work), and then you wind up doing the opposite.  Perhaps your friends will realize that they only need a few weeks to establish that connection and experience the bonds of being a family.  I also think that it is exciting adopting period...no matter which country the child is from!  Celebrities only get the attention because we give it to them, whereas everyday folks have been adopting long before the media caught wind of it.

Answer 11

Well, my single friend went to China to pick up her baby, and I went with her!!!  When we got back  everyone was invited over to see the baby.  The kid had no probs figuring out who her mother was.  Your friend seems a bit paranoid.  BUT THE PARENTS HAVE THE FINAL SAY...........

Answer 12

I too would find this a bit weird. But just minutes ago I was reading a site called   soulofadoption.com    They had an article about this exact subject.  I think they called it "fostering attachments". It says in the first few weeks to forget the parties and keep them away from alot of people. People can visit or the parents can take them places, but for the new Mom and Dad to be the only won't to hold, diaper, feed, cuddle with the child. Most international kids have not established an attachment to any adult and will go to any one. They need to learn who Mom and Dad are and to depend on them for all their care till they get attached. Also, no babysitters for first month. Interesting site for anyone who is adopting or who has friends or family adopting.

Answer 13

why is everyone getting these asian kids, when their are babies in the us that need home, im sick of well off people treating kids like a new coach bag, a trend you spend a long time with, and it sounds about right, since they not his parents so have to get used to them, and are they asian, if not just sick....why not get a baby the same race in an american orphanage and raise him, why do you need a baby from another country just to be like anglinga and brad pitt....grow up, and take care of your own frist/ always trying to bring people to america but america cant take care of their own.

Answer 14

I think that is a bit wierd, but hey they are the parents!!!  So whatever they want is the way it goes. Be patient before you know it you will seee the little guy.  They will probably relent when they actually have him, and realize that it doesnt take that long for him to bond with them.  They will want all the people they love to know him and love him also.