Tried some free-verse, need your honest opinion?

Question

Hey everyone, im back with my second poem. My first one got some good reviews and some very helpful answers, so i figure you can help with this one too. I usually wont show anyone my writing unless i picked through it with a fine tooth comb but i wrote this about 10 minutes ago and decided to get some criticism.

The rain beats at my window as the night washes over me.

The darkness sweeps away the guises I put on.

Memories of sweet melodies ring in my ear,

But I block them out with the tide washing in.

My soul floating in an ocean with no shore in sight.

What lies in the murky depths I never want to know.

I open myself to feel what you have to offer.

And I’ve taken the bait that was so brilliantly

Folded in web of lies you’ve placed at my feet.

How was I to know what I wanted would turn like this?

The hand that feeds you, so painfully bitten.

Oh I want those sweet melodies to fill me up once again!

To make me whole; I want so much more than this.

So much more I cannot have.

So much more we cannot share.

Answer 1

Nix the "How was I to know..." line and the last line. They have been said a zillion times before. Besides, you don't have to say those things - we can read them between the lines. Also, you used washes/washing 2x.

Actually, you picked an image/metaphor and stuck with it - water. The only time you mixed your metaphors was with the "hand that feeds you..." line. Maybe a shark reference instead? Maybe "tide of lies?"

Great effort here! Congrats! You are free of the yoke of iambic pentameter. Nice deep emotions conveyed by images and not to many "I" statements. Read it out loud as you make your revisions and I think it will fall perfectly into place. Great!

Keep sharing!

Answer 2

If you choose to keep it like this, I have a couple or word changes:

2 -- while darkess

4 --as the tide washes in

5 -- my soul floats

How was I to know my dreams would become this?

feeds YOU??? isn't it a me thing?

Oh sweet melodies, fill me again

Make me whole

Answer 3

Honest opinions are always the most difficult.  To be honest, your poem is a collection of cliches.  The concept is fine, you didn't fall into the "rhyme" trap, and you kept your lines long enough to avoid a choppy feel to it...but the cliches kill it.  Here are the cliches (for future reference):

Rain beats at my window

Night washes over me

Ring in my ear

Tide washing in

No shore in sight

taken the bait

web of lies

hand that feeds you, painfully bitten

sweet melodies

fill me up

make me whole

I want so much more than this

...as you can see...it's pretty much the greater part of your poem.  But hey, that's okay, you only spent 10 minutes on it...and that's what happens when you write quickly...your mind relies on familiar phrases, which you may not realize are cliche, but often are.  The important thing is that you were honest about the level of effort you employed, that you asked for an honest opinion (so please don't shoot the messenger) and your poem's concept was a solid one.  The "art" in poetry is saying something familiar in a "different" way...that's why "good" poetry is often difficult to achieve...let's face it, there are a lot of poets and only so many words in the English language...yet poets "do" come up with new ways of saying things all the time.  So don't give up, just spend the time and avoid the same mistake...and most of all...keep writing.

Answer 4

ok

Answer 5

These two lines were my favorite really felt the emotion:

What lies in the murky depths I never want to know.

I open myself to feel what you have to offer.

Pretty good over all.