Trouble with the in-laws....Help!?

Question

I have been married to my husband for two years. We have a good marriage. Two children, we are happy. The problem occurs when we do anything involving his side of the family. We let our children stay over there for four days. Even though we do not like their lifestyle, we still feel as though they deserve to see their grandchildren. The problem occurs when it is time for our children to come home.

His mother NEVER wants to bring the children back. She always has some excuse or reason (first it was car trouble) for not bring my boys home on time. (I know she loves them but so does my side of the family.) Now that she has a new car, she still doesn't want to bring them home when we ask. When I call her, she tells me something completely different than what my husband told me (like dropping them off on Thursday vs Saturday). A blold faced lie. This causes a rift between my husband and I and I am tired of it. That's what we fight about.

The time she did bring them home, she didn't leave the car and we had to go outside to get our kids. (She isn't old or handicapped by the way. Healthy). She calls me and is friendly to me but when her younger son is around her, she treats me differently. I am treated like a stranger in the street. I get the one word responses and she becomes distant with me b/c she says she doesn't want to make her son jelous?!? What? How old are we?

I tried to be nice to my brother-in-law but he is grown and I don't have time for a "diva". I don't care for outburst and conversations all about him and his dating scene. Plus he interrupts people when they talk to e/o which is a pet peeve of mine. He is too dramatic for my taste.

We all have had a history with e/o and I know I can't ignore them. I need to know what to do to attempt to have a piece of mind.

And I don't cling to her, I have my own mother and I love my relationship with my mom.

I'm at my wits end trying to be civil while being lied to. She has her good days and her bad days. She can be like a second mother to me at times but when she lies and does things like this, I get beyond pissed. Is she being phony with me? Sometimes I think about all of the friendships I had to change and friendships I have lost to what deal with this? My husband is my husband but I think about the sacrifices I have made to deal with these inlaws. Is this as good as it will get? I need some advice from someone looking from the outside. Opinions please!

Answer 1

Welcome to the never ending drama filled world of mother in laws.  I could go on and tell you "wonderful" stories about mine -- but that's not the issue here.

First, when your children visit her, take them and pick them up.  Don't let her have that control over you or your husband.  Make the arrangements, set the boundaries, and stick to them -- because, believe me, she won't.

Second, stay nice, but limit your time with her and her youngest son.  This is not the best way to get an education about co-dependency, but that's exactly what their relationship is, co-dependent.  He feeds her needs and she feeds his drama.  Keep a safe distance, realize that their relationship is very unhealthy and remember it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  They are so wrapped up in the co-dependent feeding that it's all about them, you aren't even a factor.  As long as you remember this, it will be easier to remember not to take it personally.

Third, don't let their unhealthy relationships spill over into your relationship with your husband.  They certainly aren't worth all that fighting and effort.  Communicate with your husband and this issue will quickly resolve.  Plus, by taking back control from her, hopefully the problems with her will decrease, then your fighting will decrease.

In-law problems have been around since the beginning of time, you aren't the first and won't be the last to have them -- but take back control of your life, your kids, your family and your emotions.

Best wishes.

Answer 2

allow the mother-in-law to pick the children up. and you go get them. i bet she will not even do that if asked to. if you would like your children to continue to visit her, then you will have to pick them up. or you can make up an excuse on why you can not drop them off or pick them up. as far as her son goes, let them be. you do not have to be around them except for family gatherings.

Answer 3

she won't ever change. if yo want the kids home at a certain time then go get them..it would probably be easier if you or you/hubby would just together and pick them up. then there will be no excuses.

Answer 4

I don't think its because you are a bad parent. As a mother I understand you are probally doing your job. It is sooooo easy to blame the mother. Talk to your husband and tell him to talk to his mother and he has no choice. She will more likely listen to her than you. Forget them. They are in-laws. At least you have your family. It would be different if it were your mother keeping them. I say move to another state (kidding...somewhat). The further the better. Good luck.  

Answer 5

you gotta in law outlaw problem dint take it lightly they can become a harmful entity in your relationship the deal is they have developed a mistrust as a mother in you your hubby wont ever ad mitt it but believe me i went through that before you gotta change your ways real quick stop dropping off  those kids off so much and start planning activities with your kids right away. what ever you gotta do girl the park soccer music go in places and get them around your folks the same amount of time no one can argue that i can see your parents respect your family space and your hubby's folks dont there are alot of psycho in laws in this world they get off on it they are trying to accomplish what they failed with there own kids there is all ways something that people wont tell you about there family when they behave like that you gotta get real about it right now or you will be sorry big time