I've been really obsessive about things. Everything. I'm not sure when it started and I could probably categorize myself under several disorders (without doctor's diagnosis) but I don't know many of the symptoms of them. I don't want to go to a therapist unless it's serious because the cost. In one way or more, many of these things apply somewhat to each other. If you can try to help explain why I feel this way, please tell me whatever you can. I just want to understand what this is or if I am able to get some help. Please give me an actual answer not "get help", "you hvae a problem, i don't know what". Say what you think I could have, or something you could relate any of these... problems to.
-I hate when people spell words wrong, especially middle schoolstudents because they should have learned a majority of the spelling during that time.
-I always procrastinate as much as possible, without realising it. I procrastinate waking up and going to bed, because it's not late enough. I procrastinate watering my plants for no reason; I procrastinate eating because my parents would make dinner at 7 after coming home from work; I procrastinate with homework simply because I don't want to do it.
-I can't stand when something is crooked and always get the urge to correct it, even if I can't and it bugs me.
-I am one of the worst perfectionists ever. I will clean my room for 7 hours with no breaks until it is spotless. (because I'm not allowed to clean anything else because my parents are packrats) I feel if I'm going to do something it can always be better; people usually think that's a good thing -- in my case it's annoying as **** to others. But in terms of being a perfectionist I can go without doing soemthing for as long as possible until I freak out.
-I see everything as an "all or nothing" situation. Do my homework perfect, or don't do it at all. Clean my room till it's spotless or leave it as a mess for a few more weeks. Take 5 minutes to go out or take 3 hours to be okay with my appearance.
-For no reason, when my friends wanted to hang out with me I agree at the time, and then lie and say I'm sick or have an appointment or just "forget" to avoid being with them, although I always have fun with them. Now they're not my friends.
-I hate telling people things to their face because I'm afraid they'll get mad at me or judge me, so I vent behind their backs.
-I take 30 minutes to shower. But disgusting enough, I can go without showers for 3 days (or longer) over summer unless I go out, because usually I don't "need" to take them if I don't go out in public.
-I haven't been to drivers ed. yet and I'm turning 18 in December. I'm afraid of the thought of driving. Or getting into a wreck. My sister took me out for the first time ever a month ago and I didn't want to press on the gas.
-I generally make spasmodic, jerking movements in stupid situations. If a pencil is rolling off my desk, I don't calmly reach for it, it actually scares me if it drops or something. I'm afraid this might hurt me in driving literally, if I think anything's wrong I'll probably break and get into a crash.
-I hate being embarrassed. I feel like when I talk just to answer a question my cheeks are flushed. But even thinking about something embarrassing flushes my cheeks.
-I have extremely sensitive hearing. When our TV malfunctions and the "ext" screen shows up, the frequency actually causes my ears to ring which tends to make my family think I'm psychic when it does it while I'm in another room and they don't notice.
-I have extremely sensitive sense of smell as well -- I could smell a box of Cheerios being open from a floor above while I just stepped out of the shower and my sister was in shock or something.
-I take longer than average to do everything which makes me feel as though I'm actually mentally challenged and my parents haven't told me. I wasn't fully potty trained before kindergarten. I learned how to ride a bike in 4th grade. Shower, eating (sometimes), sleeping, etc. Reading, writing, art projects have actually caused me to fail classes and I am excelled in those three activities of everything.
-I actually have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but I feel the medicine doesn't do anything except cause me to eat less.
-If I see one thing out of place --a freckle, an eyebrow hair, a bruise -- I obsess over it for too long, where it actually bugs my sister.
-I have terrible hygiene issues when I don't have to be around anyone. I don't think I want to share them but I can go without doing certain things longer than anyone should.
-I can't stand certain things that are too sensitive for my ears. My parents turn up the TV so loud. And when my dog barks for no reason it actually pisses me off. Bass carrying through cars.
-I can't stand the door being cracked open. I will go out of my way to shut the basement door. And always have to hear it click before I go away.
-I am obsessed with pain. I do not want to kill myself, and I don't think it could be maochism because I'm not into it sexually, if that's the only way you could be into it. In 8th grade I cut myself because I wanted to experiment. But I didn't know much about it then, so *graphic* I used a scissors. Then, I somehow hid it for almost 6 weeks around parents and friends until I turned myself in for some reason to my health teacher. I hate talking about it and sometimes I get this teeny feeling that I want to do it, but haven't given in. However, one night I saw a screwdriver sitting in my room with a large thick handle on it and started hitting my whole forearm with it. Then did the same with the metal part. I bruised badly within 10 minutes, and the next day I told people who asked that I had my arm caught twice in a heavy door at school and they believed me.
-I'm overly clumsy at everything. Can't do any sport right, because I'm not athletic and I feel awkward running. I couldn't balance a on wooden board maze that was 2 inches wide in front of my entire gym class, and he wouldn't let me quit until I finished -- 10minutes after everyone else was finished. I trip over nothing, and I run into things more than I should. I slipped down two flights of stairs once in front of my entire 6th grade class (35 kids), which I found funny for once.
-I smile too long apparently, because I was smiling at someone I knew from school when I saw him at the movie theater and he told some coworker I talk to that I was a creep. So now I either smile too long or avert looking at them.
-I always forget simple words. I forgot the word "diving board" today. And it makes me sound like an idiot to use small words when I can't think of the words I actually do know.
-I like to pick at things. My nails peel into layers, and I pick anything I can. It's addicting. I have scars from picking and I still can't stop.
-I'm never photogenic when it's candid, so I have pictures from family gatherings that I am embarrassed of so I hide them just because of my severe acne.
-I have this huge load of annoyance towards my dad who is stubborn. He b*****s about how much he hated school and had no friends and was fat, and one day told me he got a card for a high school reunion out of nowhere, so I asked if he was going to go. And he scoffed and was saying no because no one would like him. I think he's embarrassed of his life. I found a card of his to my mom and it said "this isn't how I saw the future, and I don't like it." or something like that. And I feel like he is bringing me down with him. I don't want to be the person I hate most. I think he's ******* up my life. I'm afraid of him, in this way where he makes me feel S****y for doing nothing and lies to make me feel guilty. He once thought it'd be funny to make me watch bugs being eaten on TV while I was eating. Then when he told me they're hard to see and my mom responded with, no they aren't he told her to "shush".
-I talk a lot when I don't know what to talk about which backed my friends away from ever talking. But it's just because I don't know what to say and I'm waiting for them to come up with something but they never do. So I talk forever about how cold I am or about how something on me hurts, which they get annoyed with.
-I am greedy. I spend hundreds of dollars on clothes of my mother's money and I feel like I'm going to put her in debt or that she won't have enough money if I go to college, but I can't stop myself.
-I feel guilty for things that aren't my fault. And I always give in and apologize for something that I was actually the victim of. My "friends" called me, and I didn't look at the caller ID and she said (other friends listening) she had something to tell me, and she was crying (actually holding in laughs) that she was a L*****n. I didn't know what to say because I believed her. Then she was like "I can't tell ____ or my parents" and I told her she could tell my best friend ____ because I came out to her saying I was bi (i was curious at the time, but i don't consider myself bi anymore) not realising there were 5 other people listening. so she got awkward and said she had to go and didn't tell me it was a joke. So then told my best guy friend in turn told me and I got so pissed off and then apologized for it and they were probably the few people I even talked to. Now we're not friends because I didn't want to hang out with them so THEY ditched me. We were all friends with the same friends. And the people who talked to my best friend didn't know why she wasn't talking to me, so they stopped talking to me. And the last time I hung out with an actual friend. I can't even remember. But I keep making excuses.
-I have excuses for everything.
-I'm a compulsive liar. Even if my mom asks if I do my homework, automatic response: Yes. I don't know how to stop lying about the dumbest things.
-I am a hypochondriac. I think. Which is something a hypochondriac would do... think they're ____. Well. I get this feeling like. Restless leg syndrome, I had that feeling before the commercials started, but no one never noticed it till then so they think I'm making it up. I always think I have appendicitis or that I'm going to get skin cancer. I can feel sick after saying it and believing myself. But nothing serious has ever happened to me in terms of contracting a disease.
-The only person I feel comfortable doing things with is my sister. If she asks me to do something I will. If I'm by myself or with my friends or mom I probably won't. She got me to walk 5 miles without complaining in the heat, or getting out of breath when I can barely run a mile without feeling like I might pass out.
-I have no gag reflex. I used to be able to put kleenex or cotton in my mouth and automatically gag. Now I can clean out the roof of my mouth when I get a gross feeling and there's no reaction. I haven't thrown up since 4th grade. I can watch something and feel sick, and sometimes you get that feeling where you need to throw up but I can't. I don't try unless I feel so sick I just want it out of me.
-There is this feeling I get where I get sick trying to put in tampons, and I feel like I can't breathe and that if I could throw up I would so I don't know how I'm ever planning on having s*x. I put it in right, and I'm sorry if that's too graphic. But it's the same feeling I get when I feel guilt for something that I'd want to do but my body is literally telling me not to, in any situation and it is the worst feeling.
-I want to see a therapist but I feel like my mom is struggling with money from me already (she's being really emotional lately with menopause) just because I feel like they could be someone to talk to because no one else will listen. But I'm too afraid they will tell my mom something. Or think I need to go to seek help from a higher facility or make me feel as though I can't talk with them, like I wish they would be sort of a friend enthusiastic and help me get past all of this.
-I'm so afraid that I've become this complete failure and I'm almost 18. I don't have a license, I don't have a job, I've failed almost half my classes in high school but still can graduate because I'm not credit deficient. I'm going to an alternative online-schooling program because I feel embarrassed at school. I have a 1.4 GPA and this program doesn't affect it unfortunately. And I don't know what my parents are proud of me for NOW, instead of things that happened over 5 years ago.
-I think of my friends all the time. I don't know why I distanced myself and still do to the ones remaining. I was actually afraid I'd lose my friends so I bought them tickets to a comedian's show and I'm the one actually pushing them away, trying to force us to hang out when nothing was wrong. I have dreams we hang out and I'm happy and when I wake up I'm confused and so disappointed but angry at them. I don't know how to feel towards them.
-I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I think I have social anxiety, anxiety on the road, because I'm afraid like.. If I hold the steering wheel or hold a gun in my hands it will control me and kill someone. I would never want to kill someone. But I always have nightmares that something like that could happen.
-When I was 10 my family was driving on the highway, to go to visit relatives in a different state. There was an ice cream truck on this highway in the middle of nowhere and my parents joked we should pull next to it during a standstill if it happens and then we drove past it and my dad looked in his rear-view mirror and it was on fire. And I wanted them to pull over and help this man who 6 minutes ago we could have been talking to, and the ice cream truck drove into the ditch and all I can remember is staring out the back window and being so mad at my parents for not pulling over. And I don't know what happened to the man but I think I witnessed a death that day and I'm now afraid of ice cream trucks.
-later that year, on the fourth of july we were lighting some in the front of our house. i have always been afraid of firecrackers. and this wasn't any different. so i was sort of hiding behind a tree next to our door, wanting to go inside because my parents told me it was okay. My dad lit it and something happened, it was a 3x3 fire cracker thing. and they shot everywhere, straight at us. And I was running behind my dad's car in the parking lot trying to get away from them when one hit me in the wrist and I was screaming. And my sister thought I got hit in the face, so she got hit in the ankle trying to run and help me. If she didn't come over me, and if I didn't put my hands in front of my eyes I would probably have been burned severely in the face. And I am still afraid of fireworks. I always stay home on the fourth of July now, and we stopped lighting them at our house after that year. I will watch them from a far distance if I'm in a car. At Disney World the cardboard was literally falling from the sky we were so close, and I freaked out. And I feel like I'm ruining it for everyone because I try to get over it and I can't.
-I haven't hung out with anyone in over a year. I don't go to bed on a schedule, I don't eat regularly. But it's always been normal. But when I try hanging out with a guy my parents won't let me because they think I'll do something. I have guy friends because girls hate me. I still don't believe I'm depressed but I spend everyday inside, unless I'm tanning or with my sister. And I don't do anything. It's a daily routine.
-I am not motivational. At all. I did okay on my first semester, I didn't fail any classes. I had D's, a B', C's and an A. My aunt told me she'd give me 300 dollars if I got all As and Bs second semester. My mom said the same thing. My grandma was basically saying she'd let me go anywhere on a trip. And my mom said she'd let me go to Washington to see my favorite band play. And second semester, I passed two classes out of 6. I worked really hard two years ago to go on a trip with a friend to Mexico for spring break, so I worked my *** off. Everything was going good. Then my friend decided to wait to late to get HER passport and we didn't go. I said "let's go to disney world" because i decided instead of visiting my sister at disney i'd ditch her and go to Mexico. Well, my friend decided to take her "friend" who she hated for 3 months and didn't talk to at all to disney world. Karma is a *****.
-I hate making plans, I never plan things because something always happens. If they don't cancel it I will. I hate telling people my ideas about things to do because they don't understand that when I say "wouldn't it be cool if..." I mean I want to do it. Not just think about how fun it'd be. Then people turn around and do them without me after not wanting to do them with me. They are so hypocritical that it feels like I'm not allowed to run my life around and if I'm not doing one thing they like I'm the guilty one, who is suffering and they just don't give a ****. So I stopped doing things. I wake up. I eat, I take a shower some days. I watch TV. I go to bed for 5 hours and do the same thing everyday. But when I want to hang out with people all they want to do is get drunk. And the people who don't get drunk don't know what to do for fun so I don't hang out with them even though it'd be fun. And when they promise that we'll get to do something, it never happens.
-I'm afraid of everything I'm obsessed with. The future is what worries me the most. School, boyfriend, family, money, happiness. I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere because it just happens. I don't know how I was raised but I never realised when I was little you had to work for it to get something you want. Between me being spoiled and my mother giving in all the time, I have always been an exception to something. And as much as people love being spoiled, I think it has ruined me as a person.
So what the heck is wrong with me? Any actual disorders to pinpoint?
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