Trying to give my relationship to God, why is it so hard?

Question

I've been dating this guy for 2 years. We have been engaged for 5 months now. So yesterday I went to see a pastor about getting some pre marital counseling, as I would like to have a God based life and home.

He told us that we weren't in need of any counseling because we sounded like we had no serious problems in our relationship. He said we should wait a year to get married, finish school, and read our bibles everyday. He also said we should join a church which I agreed with and planned to do before I ever saw him.

Then he asked us our age and when we told him, he told us to break up because we were too young to be thinking about marriage. I was extremely upset by this but was still open to listening to him.

He said we should break up for 3 months but never gave any specific reason for it except that we were too young to even be dating. He is the second pastor who's said that.

My fiancee was so offended by what he said that he doesn't want to go see this guy again. I don't want to either but what if this was a sign from God? I mean, my fiancee and I have our occasional arguments but nothing serious. We are really happy with each other, we love each other so much.

What I wanna know is what should I do? Is this God telling me to take a break or is it Satan's way of using Gods people to break something good up?

I don't want to defy God but I'm not going to leave my fiancee for the simple fact that we are young. Please help me out people, christians you know more than non-christians but I am open to anyones opinion.

Answer 1

Honestly, it sounds like you are doing your best to go about things the right way. This pastor really concerns me, and here's why:

RED FLAG #1: No matter how great the relationship is, everyone can use pre-marital counseling, so to me that's strange to assume you are in no need of guidance, spiritual or otherwise.

RED FLAG #2: No pastor should tell you what kind of timeline to live your life on. It's not his decision how long you wait to married (though I do agree you should wait until you are AT LEAST 18).

RED FLAG #3: So basically the pastor thought you were pretty much set to get married until he found out your age, and then he thinks you should break up? This man sounds crazy! And why 3 months??

Ok so here's the deal. My fiance and I are both Chrisitans and if our pastor said the things your pastor said I wouldn't go back to him. The couselor's job is to be unbiased, ensure that you are prepared for marriage no matter what the situation, and give you SOUND advice, not crazy timelines and such. Find someone else to do your counseling, and you should be fine. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, seek other's advice, but be careful who you let influence your decisions. Good luck :)

Answer 2

God doesn't exist. If your unhappy break up.

Answer 3

Counselling is good.

However I would seek non-religious counselling from proper counsellors who do marriage or pre-marriage counselling.

They counsel people in marriage all the time about everything (finance, faith, goals in life etc) whereas church groups have an agenda (religion)which is not always a bad thing, but letthemcounsel you on area which are their experienceand not be a third wheel in your marriage.

You are young and you do need to deal with this.  The next 5 to 10 years are going to hold some big changes as you get jobs and all that kind of stuff and many people don't survive, despite best intentions...

Answer 4

Wow.

First of all, never let any pastor tell you how to live your life. Its often hard to find a trustworthy pastor, as bad as that sounds. Pre-marital couseling, I think, is a must. Even if its the Brady bunch couple of the year. There will always be problems and conflicts in everything you do. I strongly believe you are ready to be married. It is a bit young, but I really believe you are ready for this. Heck, they used to be married at 16 in the old days. :]

I'm also very happy to see that you want to put God first, as this will make things with your future husband SO much better. I am so proud of you! If I were you, I would get married, but take a little more time for children, unless you feel you're ready to handle that. They are hard work.

Hope everything works out.

Don't let a pastor live your life. You are completely capable of making your own choices. :]

Answer 5

The pasture is abosolutely not someone you should see again. People in that position should not give opinions but lead by examples and teachings. Although I am Christian I get really angry when people are so judgemental in the church. Thats why Christians get such a bad rap.

I am however wondering how old you are, there are definately issues and challenges when getting married at a young age. That doesn't mean it can't work. I hope that you are both finishing your educations so that you can provide the best life possible for your children. Also, communication is key, you will both change so much thru your 20's especially, if you communicate well hopefully you can persuvere.

Find a new church, you can interview with pastures. Come up with a list of questions that are important to you and ask them. Your church has to suit your beliefs, thats why there are so many out there.

Answer 6

Dear one,

I’m sure your Pastor meant well – but he has the subtlety of a falling boulder.

To his credit, he has a point. 17/18 is awfully young to even consider getting married. Personally I would wait to marry until you are out of college with careers under your belts. And remember, many well-paying careers can be obtained in 2 years or less – machinist, RN, dental assistant, office administrator and others. So it’s not like you have to wait years and years…

Now fortunately for you two, you are very grounded and mature young people. Sadly, that’s not the case for so many other couples he’s had to counsel. So please cut him some slack. And think about this – he’s in the business of helping wounded people mend. No doubt he’s seen an awful lot of couples who married young split up because they simply “grew apart” and stopped loving each other as years went by. He’s really trying to urge you both to expand your horizons and your knowledge – not just with your careers and education, but with other people as well.

The problem is, again, he wasn’t very diplomatic about it.

I urge you to 1. Pray for him. Pastors need prayers too. 2. Pray about your relationship – rejoice that you are intent on giving it to God for His sake.  3. Look into premarital counseling from another church – even secular counseling is good. Talk to your school’s guidance counselor for sources for premarital counseling outside of church.  And 4. Give him another chance to be your pastor. He truly has your best interests at heart – and wants to see you both succeed – not only in marriage, but in life itself.

God bless and good luck.

Answer 7

You're a teenager. You haven't matured enough to make a lifelong commitment.  I agree with both pastors.  Teen romances usually end in divorce.

You're planning a wedding yet you can't even sign a check, rent an apartment, get a credit card, vote, buy a beer, enter into any contract... what's your rush?

Being young isn't a "simple fact" but the fact that you think so says a lot about your lack of maturity.

Answer 8

courts absolutely do not require pre-marital counseling.  that  would be insane.

Answer 9

First of all, courts do not require pre-marital counseling - most churches do, but civil ceremonies do not.

The real thing to keep in mind here is that your minister can only offer advice the best he knows how. I'm sure that he's a Godly man, but he's also human and lives in a society where younger marriage is frowned upon and divorce is becoming more common. So he's advising you based on both his faith and his best common sense - he's not the divine mouthpiece of God. I don't think this is a sign from God or Satan - I think it's just human.

Follow the advice that you agree with - read your Bibles, join a church, pray together, etc. But continue to look for a pastor who doesn't judge your relationship based on your age, but it willing to get to know both of you before he gives you advice. That way, you'll know he (or she) is giving you the best guidance that they can.

Answer 10

All things work together for good to those who love the Lord. (Romans 8:28 I think :)

If you and your guy have sought out Christian counseling and are sincere in your desire to love the Lord, love kindness, do justice, and be humble about it, then Sweetie, that's all God wants: a willing heart.

Don't get all jumbled in what this person said to you about breaking up because you're too young!  You ARE waiting until next year to get married, that is a very adult approach, so I don't think you guys are too immature, but yes, since you have to wait until you are 18, you are legally too young to get married RIGHT NOW.  However, your plans to wed are 11 months away, enjoy this time of getting to know each other and grow as Christians!  

As long as you do what is expected of you, and that means being kind and being humble, then God will take care of the rest of it.  I learned a long time ago that I don't have to defend God. He's a Big Guy and can take care of Himself!  Now let him take care of you.  Just pray for a willing heart and for God to move in your hearts so you can do His will.  It'll happen. I have Faith that it will :)

Answer 11

If you guys are old enough to get married, you're old enough to give this minister's opinion the weight it deserves. Just because he's a minister doesn't mean he's an emissary of God or Satan. He is a professional clergyman and human as you or I.

Answer 12

I will agree with the pastor on one thing only that you sound too young to be getting married. Only because you need soemone elses advice BESIDES the person you are going to marry about what and how to live your life.  If you have God in your heart you don't need him in your home via someone else.  What are you going to do with your mothers or his mothers advice?  Toil and worry whether or not you're doing the right thing constantly?  And if they disagree will it be hardfor you to decide what to do?  Why not just make up your own mind what you are happy and comfortable with including and ONLY including the thoughts and feelings of your husband to be.  This is who and what you should be concerned with.  Everything else is there for consideration but in no way should you be letting ANYONE else tellyou hw when or where to live your life.  PERIOD.  If you don't marry this man and do as your pstor says.  5 years down the road you still haven't found love and yet yousee your so brilliant pastor on tv being hauled off to jail for molesting one of hte kids, how will you feel about his decision then?  He is HUMAN just like you.  ANd you do not know what is inside someone elses head and heart.  They show and tell you what they choose to release.  Be it for whatever reason.  You must learn to make up your own mind.  Or you will never succeed at marriage.  So keep them (ALL OF THEM) out of your relationship and out of the decisions inside your home.  Keep God in your heart and you won't need him anywhere else. As that alone will govern YOUR DECISIONS.  And will give you the confidence you need to make your own decisions.  Why fix something if it ain't broke?  Ever heard that before?  It only creates a problem that didn't exist to start with.  He stated clearly you had no issues.  UNITL YOU went in and now there is an issue.  See where I'm headed?  

Answer 13

Ok...

First, you are dealing with 2 seperate issues here and very confusing ones at that.

First issue is simple, are you too young to get married? Not in a year, not when you finish school and so on. Sp technically you arent too young to get married, or wont be anyway in a year.

The second issue is a bit more tricky. I had to learn the hard way that everything that happens in life isn't necessarily a "sign from God." God gave you common sence and your "gut feeling." So if that is telling you to seek out another pastor then thats what you should do.

Also, giving your relationship to God is wonderful, my personal suggestion is that you stay engaged and have a long engagemement. In my opinion it is a wonderful time in life where you get to transition from literally one way of life to another and you should take the time to enjoy it, feel it, and understand it. Too many people get engaged and have a wedding less then 6 months later, I have no idea how they transitioned. I personally am engaged and will have been for almost 2 years by the time we actually walk down the aisle and I love it. I feel every minute of it, I get sad, and happy, and confused and I really appreciate the feelings.

So bottom line, you wont be too young, if your gut is telling you to seek another pastor then do that, and have a long engagement, not only is it wonderful but it gives you guys time to grow a little and how wonderful will it be that you guys will be going through it together. I mean at your age (I am only 25 mind you) you will be growing maturity wise and growing in a relationship and it really will set a strong foundation.

Just my 2 cents.  

Answer 14

I think you need to listen to him since you are a Christian.he may have a point .so try it and see what will happen .being a christian is not an easy thing .you will not get every thing you way .You can contact me so we talk more on the issue.thank you .

Answer 15

When my friend was dating an older man 9just a few years) in high school and informed us they were getting married, I was amazed that someone that young could even phathom being with the same person thier whole life! They were married christian, but I am not sure how active they are now. But besides they are now expected their first child! How exciting. Well anyway they didn't need god or anyone pretending to be his messenger to tell them what to do. You guys are already living with GOD. Love each other because God is Love and love is within the bond you share and have shared for years now. Good luck, and don't let anyone with a christian label define for you what God and Love are. Peace.

Answer 16

1. I was 18 when I got married, and it was to a Godly man and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever done! 2. A preacher (man of God) should not be telling you to break up because you're too young! He should give you advice on marriage and life and make sure that you're in line with the bible! It doesnt matter if you and your fiance have a great relationship, you always need pre-marital counseling. My husband and I were together from the time we were ten until we got married and we had an awesome Godly relationship. He was part of a ministry and was in the worship team at church but we still went to counseling. Don't listen to what others say GOD says to you, listen to what he's saying to YOU! He talks to us...Now if he tells you no, then a preacher tells you no maybe that is a sign. But if you know and feel that this is right you go for it girl! Marry the man of your dreams. You should be active in fellowship(not necessarily church) with Godly people who can be accountable partners for you. Have spiritual authority to speak into your life ( someone who can tell you straight up Godly advice ). Ya'll will be fine..just know your boundaries in an engagement, especially if you want it to be holy before the Lord. Keep it pure!

Answer 17

I have been married for 4 months now, and I just turned 21.  First of all, you are not too young, what matters most is your maturity level.  You also need to get some premarital counseling from another pastor.  Even if you have no problems in your marriage, premarital counseling helps by preparing you.  Please don't let that pastor get you down, cause I know how that feels.  We used our pastor for premarital counseling, and even though it did help, we did have some trouble with him.  I am so glad you are giving your relationship to God.  My husband and I said that God is the head of our relationship, and that He will keep us together.  I suggest that you read your Bible with your fiance everyday, pray everyday, and to always keep God as the head of your relationship.  You have 11 months to get prepared, that is plenty of time.  We were only engaged for 8 months.  If you need help with anything please contact me at [e-mail] .  My prayers are with you.

Answer 18

if your young then just stay engaged, you change a lot in the first years of your 20's so wait till mid twenties to get married

dont rush into a marriage being to young just to be togheter, you change a lot when you develop, and may well grow apart (and if you end up divorsed then what was the point in the first place)

and yeah no get another pastor, dont know which type of christian direction you belong to or anything, US is very controversial sometimes to being considered a modern country, so this just something you will have to have backbone enough to deal with (i sertainly expect so being european, but i dont intend to let anyone dictate what i grown up and into beliving)

Answer 19

Well how old are you? If you are the legal age of 18, then you are old enough, if not, just wait till you are. If you think that he will be there for the rest of your life, then you can wait a few years if you need to. Ive been with my fiance since I was 16, we are now 20 but planning to get married next year when we are 21. It is just worth it to wait.

EDIT* then you should be fine, as long as you know that you know he is the one, and you are planning the wedding when you are 18, then just find another pastor to marry you. The one marrying me was happy to do so, and Im pretty young myself and havent had another boyfriend since i was 15, but it doesnt matter.. I don't need to see what else is out there when I already have my soulmate!

Answer 20

Whoa a minute!

You're going to break up on this one man's opinion???

How old are you??  How old is this minister????

P-l-e-a-s-e email me so we can do this privately.

Answer 21

The important thing is to listen to God. Its interesting how you phrased your question and the gave the details. Giving your relationship to God has nothing to do with the counsel you seek. Those are two separate things. God blessed you with the relationship, so now the relationship must be given to him that gave it. Secondly, use discernment when it comes to seeking counsel. As a young lady of faith it is vital that you stay in prayer. Don't allow the opinions of others to deter you from what God has given you. 18 is a little young to consider marriage. You need to know w/out a shadow of doubt that he is the one. God bless you.

Proverbs 1:5

The wise also will hear and increase in learning, and the person of understanding will acquire skill and attain to sound counsel [so that he may be able to steer his course rightly]--(Amplified Bible)

Proverbs 11:14

Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Answer 22

dont listen to the pastor, he's just another human being with some religious knowledge, he's not God, if you're a God fearing person, go ahead with the marriage, after all isn't it better to be married than to have illegal s*x (religious wise) !

Always turn to Lord to help you in every direction. He's our protector.

Good luck sweety!!!

p.s: my sister got married last year , she and her bf were 17.parents had to sign it.

you sound like ur gona make an amazing wife/ friend

Answer 23

wow, that is very rude of him to say. I am a christian and I think that was not an appropriate thing for a minister to do. God could be using this to test your relationship. Pray about it a lot and wait on seeing another pastor until you know for sure this is what you want. I think you need to listen to God and you will know whether or not this is right.

I don't think its right for him to tell you whether you are or are not ready for marriage without sitting down and talking to both of you, and I also think it is strange that he didn't even want to do pre-marital counseling with you. Even if you don't have any problems NOW, that doesn't mean that you won't - and you should learn how to deal with them when they come up.

Do you have a pastor at your home church you could talk to, or do you know a pastor that you might be closer to and who might be willing to talk to you? It sounds like you need to find a minister who is interested in bettering you as a couple instead of tearing you down.