Trying to understand your frustration or pain?

Question

I've been checking out this forum for a couple weeks now & to be honest I never realized how many adoptees feel a 'hatred' towards adoption. As an adoptee I can understand the some of the frustration & anger.

What I am trying to figure out is it a hate towards the birth parents, the AP's, the process of adoption, your personal experience or internal turmoil? If you're willing to share your personal experience please enlighten me.

I see posts where people say that the child should remain with the bmom...do you feel that if the child would not be brought up in a loving home and taken care of, as it should be in the best interest of the child, that they would be 'better' off being adopted by a loving family? We know that there are agencies that scam bmoms & AP's. Instead of hating on adoption as a whole are any of you activists in making adoption about the best interest of the children involved?

Whether you're a BP or an AP, parenting itself is a priviledge not a right.

Answer 1

I have never said that I'm anti all adoptions.  

But yes, I do feel that the child should remain with the b-mother, if at all possible, and if that is NOT possible, then the next alternative should be trying to find someone within that child's family to raise him or her.

Isn't that what we would want for our OWN children if we were unable to parent them?

I am against this rampant ideology that all teenage pregnancies should result in adoption.  That all infertile couples are entitled to a child.  That self-gratification trumps familial bonds.  I am against the destruction of the family because Mary Jane over here wants a Baybee and can't conceive one the natural way, and doesn't want the "hassle" of an older child (who already has been separated from his/her family).

Everybody yammers on and on about all these millions of kids who needs homes but when it comes time to adopt, who do they want?  A womb-fresh infant still dripping with amniotic fluid.  But the fact is, those little commodities are not easy to come by and in the mean time we have all these foster kids still waiting, all these poor millions of kids who still need a home but nobody gives a rat's a s s because they're not cute and cuddly and need a diaper change.

THAT'S my frustration.

If you can't understand that by now, then I'm through beating my head against the wall trying to explain it.

Answer 2

Yes, being a parent wither they are adoptive or birth parent is a privilege not a right. That being said I will ask you this: Why is that adoptees on here that tell their story are labeled anti-adoption? Why do you feel that in their stories they are saying adoption is a bad thing? I have seen only two posters on here that come out and say that adoption is bad and they are not for adoption. The rest that post here say that there needs to be reforms in adoption, but they have never said that adoption needs to be done away with. Most posters here recongize the need for adoption, especially in cases of abuse and neglect. Foster care comes to mind, there are thousands of children in foster care wanting a home, yet most PAP's would rather have a white infant, then adopt a child who needs a little extra care.

So, my question to you is, what question and answers are you reading that state that people on here are aganist adoption? Like I said before I have seen only two people who are very anti-adoption on here. People telling their truth should be heard, wither it is a positive or negative experince. Noone should be judged for it.

Answer 3

This is a pretty sprawling question, and I'm not sure I can improve on what Lillie and Heather have already said.

Frankly, while I do not hate my first parents, nor do I hate my adoptive parents, I do have a lot of disgust for adoption as a whole.

Here's the analogy I have used to try to explain this to people in my life:  The Asian tsunami of a few years ago was a huge tragedy.  Many people donated time, money, and goods to help out people whose lives had been devastated by this tragedy.  How should we celebrate the kindness and generosity poured out in those donations?  Doesn't that question strike you as strange?

Should we focus in on the donations and ignore the tragedy?  Should we stand around, patting ourselves on the back about how generous we are and never mention the loss that necessitated the charity?  

ALL analogies are imperfect, and so is this one.  But society, in general, treats adoption like an uncomplicated (unless nasty things like ethics get in the way) affair that should be celebrated.  Quite simply, that attitude is misguided, at best.  Loss precedes adoption.  Let me say that again:  ADOPTION CANNOT HAPPEN WITHOUT LOSS.  The child has lost his or her original family.  By treating adoption as a good thing, we send the message to the child that their LOSS was a good thing.  Some internalize that and never acknowledge the loss.  Others at least get the message and never talk about the real pain that that loss has caused them.  

Adoption, like charity, may be a necessary thing.  But I NEVER feel good about myself for having donated to a charity.  I always feel a sadness that the donation is necessary.  And insufficient to fix whatever cause I'm donating to.  

When we treat adoption as something other than the sad necessity it ought to be, when we celebrate it and act as though it is an "option," we minimize loss and (for some) pain.  

No one here, that I can think of, has said the child should always stay with his or her original family.  But to treat adoption other than a sad necessity is to ignore, at the cost of the child involved, the very real tragedy that has occurred.

Answer 4

I dont feel hatred to adoption at all. Adoption is not a bad thing here in th UK. I dont understand the loss part. Especially if you were adopted from being a tiny baby. I dont see how you can feel a loss. I do understand the pain side. I think that alot of adoptees feel pain, from the thaught of the bio mother giving them up.

I think also, that adoption causes alot of feelings "in the head". It depends on different people, but not everyone feels loss or pain, and People on here should realise that, without assuming we must be mentally retarded if we dont feel it.

All i feel, is that my mother gave me up and thats it. boohoo, move on, **** happens. There is more important stuff going on in the world.

Answer 5

I'm adopted and have often questioned whether or not I, too, would adopt.  I also have three adopted siblings and my APs had 4 children of their own.  I can't say that my upbringing was perfect, but it was far from what it would have been.  There was no one else in my family who could have taken care of my half sister and I.

We've been taking foster babies into our house for years now and in every case, the agencies attempt to work with the birth mother, try another family member and then resort to a carefully selected adoptive family.

The talk on this board about infertile couples and their "rights" or whatever seems assinine to me.  I completely understand wanting a baby at birth.  They would have a baby if they could, but since they can't they'd like the next best thing: a baby someone else doesn't want.  Far be it for anyone else to say that they should have an older child.  That's not what they want!

Aside from that, there are critical bonding years that have already passed with older children.  Those years help to make adoption all the more successful.  I think it would be a greater injustice to put an older child with a family that didn't feel as if they could connect with he/she.

Getting back to the question, I don't have any negative feelings towards adoption just because of my experience.  Every adoption is drastically different.  I would likely feel differently about each one.  In every case, I think it's imperative to think of the child's best interest.  

My sister's two children were taken away from her because of her abusive husband.  One went to the birth father and the other one went into foster care to be adopted.  My family, being the baby-lover that it is, would have taken the child in a heartbeat.  We weren't however going to have anything to do with her husband.  Since it was his child, we weren't willing to put any member of our family in danger so we didn't move to adopt.  It sucks because we'll never get to know the baby, but it was a choice that we think better suits the child.  We don't think the child should have to have any contact with her father. Ever.

Answer 6

So many good answers already!  I'm not angry with natural or adoptive parents.  I don't believe all adoption should be eliminated.  There are abusive people out there (both natural and adoptive) who should not be raising children.  I do, however, accept that adoption is not the optimal situation.  If someone cannot or will not raise his/her own child, placement within the family should be sought first.  Outsider adoption should be the last option.  In a perfect world, it would be possible that all children could be raised by their own families, because there wouldn't be the problems that sometimes make this not possible.

After all, why on earth would  anyone think splitting up a family would be optimal to a family staying together when possible?

That being said, I'm not happy with some of the practices and laws surrounding adoption.  Coercion of any kind toward any party in the adoption process is wrong.  Agencies that lie to PAP's and natural parents to get more money are problem for me.  The few PAP's that are willing to lie to get what they want are also a problem for me.  No one has a right to anyone else's child.

Legally, in 44 states, adult adopted citizens are treated unequally under the law solely because of their ADOPTIVE status, as they cannot unconditionally access their very own records of birth, as non-adopted citizens can.  This is wrong.

My personal experience is beside the point.  I do look at adoption as a whole when I make my judgments about it.  Adoption is certainly far, far beyond my own little experience, whether good or bad.

eta:

People who troll forums trying to find a child to adopt are unethical, too. (Just for clarity since you're the asker, I'm not talking about you, Peaness.)

Answer 7

I don't disagree with adoption.  I do disagree with unnecessary adoptions, the adoption "industry," sealed records, the idea that my bparents' alleged right to secrecy is more important than my right to know myself.

Answer 8

I am really looking to adopt a infant or toddler and I have no problem with the birth mother being involved as much as she wants. I have a deep love for children and can not have any  more.

charlotte

Answer 9

i think that "LILLIE" says it all perfectly!!

Answer 10

I feel passionately for our baby/child counterparts and their wellbeing and making sure things are done in THEIR best interests

I also feel passionately that everyone is entitled to the truth of their own origins and it angers me to witness people messing with that or obliterating any chance of another human being ever accessing their truth intentionally.    Also every adoptee should not have to beg and plead if they want to access a true record of their own birth

Unfortunately this seems to get interpreted as being 'anti-adoption' angry and bitter or hateful toward adoptive parents.  When in fact I am none of those things, not at all.

I am not going to go into my whole story here, on this board.   I am not willing to lay my soul bare for the riducule and cruelness and mocking I have witnessed here.  Not today.

I agree, parenting is a priviledge and not a right or entitlement.  I do wish more people saw it that way.

Answer 11

North American (the US and Canada) society is emotionally invested in believing that adoption is a win-win for all involved.  While sometimes it is the best arrangement (in cases of abuse, addiction, or profound neglect) adoption is often unnecessary, and causes senseless pain for the natural parents and adopted individuals.

Compound that with the fact that the parties on the LOSING end of this deal are supposed to act as if it never happened and that we are even happy and grateful about it.  This has worked well for APs and the agencies, who are on the receiving end of the deal.  For decades many adoptees and natural parents have gone along with this non-verbal agreement, but many of us are tired of sublimating our mental health for others, and are speaking out, not only for ourselves, but for future generations of adoptees.

As I review your question, I can see that you are on the first layer of the large onion that is infant/stranger adoption.  Old standbys like 'loving family' (some are not loving, and some are abusive at higher levels than intact bio families) leap out at me.  The 'best interest of the child' is for that child to be raised by its mother, except in the instances I mentioned above.  A Chevy Suburban and granite countertops cannot possibly replace a child being raised by his mother, and in the cradle of his clan.  I diagagee about your assertion that parenting is not a 'right' for BPs or APs.  Natural parents have the RIGHT to raise their children unless they are unfit.  APs do not have the RIGHT to parent other's children--it is a privilege.

If you stick around here long enough, you'll learn quite a bit.  But the ones, who are INVESTED in believing that this outdated and unhealthy arrangement is a perfect plan, come and go.  They throw out the 'anti-adoption' and 'hating' stuff, then they retreat to warmer waters where their fantasies are kept alive.

Here's a great place to start:

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

It's about adoption in Australia, where the practices were similar to the US, but they have changed how they think about it dramatically.

Some sites to poke around:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.com

http://www.origins-usa.org

Books:

Anything by Betty Jean Lifton, and The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, The Girls who went Away by Ann Fessler.

ETA:  Peaness, didn't mean to upset you.  However my aparents and MANY other abusive parents passed the all-important homestudy.  Smoke detectors with fresh batteries does not a good parent make.  I believe many APs have know idea how they're going to feel about raising an unrelated child until it is a reality.  That's why 10-25% of all adopted children are returned--and sent to foster care.  Another inequality--APs can change their minds, natural parents cannot.